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How does one do a cheshbon hanefesh
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Cheiny




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 13 2020, 8:24 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
My Rav said to choose something that needs a tikkun but did not offer to go through it with me and help me figure out specifically what. I do not feel comfortable asking him for further help, I feel anxious and as though I'm wasting his time.


First, you shouldn’t think that way. You’re not wasting his time. He’s getting a big mitzvah and will have part of the zechus of your desire and attempts to improve in the areas you need. Second, try to make a list of things you’d like to improve in, and try to gauge which you think are most important to start with. Don’t take on too much at a time. Pick one or two areas that you feel it would be doable for you to try to take on and improve in. The Torah says it takes a lifetime to fix one middah. Once you’ve improved in the first and second, you can slowly take on another. Hatzlacha in your journey to self improvement! I admire you.
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Cheiny




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 13 2020, 8:27 pm
crust wrote:
In Yiddish we say-
מען דארף זיך נישט פארנעמען מען דארף אננעמען.

(You don't have to take on something you have to accept Hashems will.)

Rav Avigdor Miller's seforim introduced this way of thinking to me so it is an absolute Jewish way of thinking.

Having said that,
OP I hope your situation gets better. I'm not sure Hashem works this way that if you would've done something he would've not done something.

Saying that we think that if we would've done x then z wouldn't happen is essentialy saying that we understand how He runs the world.

Whatever you do it should be something small and doable.


Actually, there’s nothing about op’s post that indicates she’s not accepting Hashem’s will. I’m not understanding your train of thought at all. Second, we are taught that indeed, we are in fact supposed to focus on whether Hashem is sending us signals ie, to improve.... I believe op is spot on and if she feels there’s a connection between something she considers a sign from Hashem, and certain areas she feels she needs to improve in, I’d venture to say she’s absolutely right, and is doing exactly what she’s supposed to. When Hashem send a nisayon or pain and it doesn’t wake the person up, He will send a stronger one.
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amother
Beige


 

Post Mon, Jul 13 2020, 8:28 pm
amother [ Cerulean ] wrote:
So any bad occurrence in a persons life is a message that we weren’t behaving properly according to this?


Yes right. Everything that happens is from H-Shem and it’s a message for us even things that happen in the world even to the non jews. Didn’t u ever learn this?
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amother
Cyan


 

Post Mon, Jul 13 2020, 9:18 pm
crust wrote:
Reb Avigdor Miller is mussar.

Not really. Teaching mussar means teaching the classic mussar sefarim. Mesillas Yesharim, Derech Hashem, Chovos Halevavos, Orchos Tzaddikim, Shaarei Teshuva, etc. Rav Avigdor Miller's teachings are his hashkafos, which might sometimes be based on mussar, but it's not called learning mussar. Mussar is a very specific mehalech which our generation needs more of in the schools.
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crust




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 13 2020, 9:26 pm
Rav Millers teachings are based on Mesilas Yeshorim, the Rabbeini Yona and the Chovos Halvovos amongst others. If someone tytches or quotes them does the mesillas Yeshorim lose its meaning?


What I was trying to tell OP Is basically a version of what says in Pirkei Avos ואל תתייאש מן הפורענות.

I guess I have a wrong interpretation of that as well so I will not argue further with the well meaning mussarniks here.
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amother
Cyan


 

Post Mon, Jul 13 2020, 9:32 pm
crust wrote:
Rav Millers teachings are based on Mesilas Yeshorim, the Rabbeini Yona and the Chovos Halvovos amongst others.

It says in Pirkei Avos ואל תתייאש מן הפורענות. I guess that I have a wrong interpretation of that as well so I will not argue further with the well meaning mussarniks here.

I learn alot of mussar but I'm chassidish so I can't claim to be a slobodker mamish.

I'm not trying to "upshlug" you, but yes Mussar is a certain type of limud. You should read the book The Mussar Movement, I think you would find it very interesting.

And I never heard the mishna interpreted that way, but I'm not going to start up with your interpretation, shivim panim laTorah.
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amother
Cerulean


 

Post Mon, Jul 13 2020, 9:32 pm
amother [ Beige ] wrote:
Yes right. Everything that happens is from H-Shem and it’s a message for us even things that happen in the world even to the non jews. Didn’t u ever learn this?

When I went through a hardship and felt guilty that maybe my own sins brought it upon myself I was told time and again that no. We don’t know the cheshbonos at all.
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amother
Cyan


 

Post Mon, Jul 13 2020, 9:40 pm
amother [ Cerulean ] wrote:
When I went through a hardship and felt guilty that maybe my own sins brought it upon myself I was told time and again that no. We don’t know the cheshbonos at all.

It doesn't mean that's the reason for the hardship, it just means that what Hashem wants from you in the moment is to do a cheshbon hanefesh and pick one thing to improve.
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amother
Fuchsia


 

Post Mon, Jul 13 2020, 9:59 pm
#BestBubby wrote:
First, Kol HaKovod for seeking to improve.

Tell your Rov what areas you think need improvement and ask for Advice on what area to
work on first. As you said you cannot work on too many things at one time.


How many times on this site do I see things like "tell your Rov" and "ask your Rov". Who has all these Rabbaim who are waiting by the phone for me to call, and:
1) Have oodles of time to discuss my whole spiritual existence with him
2) Talk to women
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amother
Dodgerblue


 

Post Tue, Jul 14 2020, 3:11 am
Rebbetzen Gottlieb (Heller) has some very practical steps on doing cheshbon hanefesh.

I quote:

"I love Elul. It’s a time of such simchah. Hashem extends Himself toward us and takes us as we are. The Zohar states that if we knew how great is Hashem’s love for us, we would roar like lions and run after Him. So how do we get rid of all the impediments to getting close to Hashem, to doing teshuvah?

There are different ways to do this. I make a cheshbon hanefesh, a life review. Every person could divide his life into distinct periods and ask himself four questions about each era.

1. What are the important events you recall from that period?

2. How did you respond to what was going on in your life at that time?

3. Now it gets tricky. Reflecting back on those decisions, ask yourself which choices brought you closer to where you want to be in life and which pushed you further away.

4. The last and most important question: Why did you make that particular choice? What was in it for you? This last question is going to clarify what motivated you and what your core middot are. You’ll notice that the same character flaws and weaknesses come up again and again. One individual may make poor choices because he has a deep fear of disapproval or a strong desire to belong. Another may be driven by physical pleasure. Year after year, our motivations tend to stay the same, but they appear in different, and perhaps more sophisticated, guises.

As you mature and reflect back on the various periods in your life, your insights and perspectives should change. It may take years and even decades to have a deeper understanding of events that have taken place in your life and how you responded to them.

Once you have identified a core weakness that is constantly tripping you up, you need to develop a concrete plan for change. Everybody wants to change; no one looks at his mistakes and flawed motivations and says, This is how I want to be twenty years from now. My path is hitbodedut—introspection—talking to Hashem at length, asking for His help, letting myself be vulnerable to Him and letting teshuvah come from that place. This intimacy brings out a sense of hope and optimism. You have a sense of Hashem’s believing in you, which is very inspiring. It has affected my life dramatically."


I hope that helps. Her sefarim - Battle Plans, Return and others are all superb.
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PinkFridge




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 14 2020, 8:29 am
amother [ Fuchsia ] wrote:
How many times on this site do I see things like "tell your Rov" and "ask your Rov". Who has all these Rabbaim who are waiting by the phone for me to call, and:
1) Have oodles of time to discuss my whole spiritual existence with him
2) Talk to women


I just posted something on another thread: https://www.imamother.com/foru.....97313
OP, you are reminding me of an article I recently read in the March 2020 Readers Digest. Medical writer Michelle Crouch wrote about doctors and trust, using the personal example of her husband's benign but scary brain tumor as a conceit. Obviously she has the chops to do good research in such a case. At one point, she says, she turned to her rabbi for support. The rabbi then mentioned a congregant who had been through something similar, who urged her to get a second opinion with a particular doctor who used a surgery protocol that was much less risky, and her husband is bH doing well nearly 10 years later.

All I could think was, so many times we tell people here to turn to a rav, along with whatever other hishtadlus we need to do. And Ms. Crouch did. Her temple and rabbi would not be the ones that we be our spiritual homes, but look at the blessing that came into her life by bringing spirituality into the picture.
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