What kind of professional can help my angry kid?

amother

Tue, Jul 14 2020, 10:05 am

I have an almost 8 year old son. He has always been a challenge, but never challenging 'enough' to get professional help, if that makes sense. He is doing bH very well in school, he has friends, he doesn't look to an outsider like what a struggling kid would look like, if such a thing even has a look.

At home though, and I think it's gotten worse since schools shut down from Covid, he is a black cloud. It hurts me to write it, but I'm so drained and frustrated and I don't know how to help him. There are times he is perfectly pleasant and sweet, but then other mornings he just wakes up like a different person. Scowl on his face, lashing out at anyone who encounters him, blaming everyone for everything, etc. etc. If he can't find his sneakers (because he didn't put them in his cubby where they belong), it's because his brother hid them. If someone accidentally bumps into him or steps on his toe, it was clearly on purpose. Everyone is out to get him, no one gets the benefit of the doubt. He also has a toddler-esque way of thinking where he seems to believe people can read his mind, so if they're not doing what he wants (even if he hasn't communicated what that is), it's because they are purposely ignoring him or don't want him to be happy. He has so many feelings swirling around him all the time that he is basically always at the tipping point for an outburst, so they happen often.

We have tried at this point for years to ignore his tantrums, but it's not getting any better. And it always spirals because inevitably, while he's throwing a fit, he misses breakfast or play time or whatever it is, and then he throws an even BIGGER fit because of whatever he missed.

I could go on and on with examples, but my question is what to do now. I spoke to the school counselor last year before school shut down, but he didn't qualify for school based services because he is doing so well in school. He is happy and shining and gets along with his peers. I guess I can call his pediatrician but I don't even know what I'm asking for a referral for. A therapist? A psychologist? Some kind of counselor? Are those things the same?

Any help would be very appreciated.

amother

Natural

Tue, Jul 14 2020, 10:20 am

Cutting out gluten and dairy has by far been the best intervention to date for my ragey, meltdowny, fight-picking, oppositional kid, somewhat paranoid, kid. Along with treating chronic strep, and cbd. FWIW this child is always a pleasure in school.

amother

Denim

Tue, Jul 14 2020, 10:29 am

Ask for a referral for individual counseling. Private services (not through school) will generally be more comprehensive and better than school based services. Generally, the first few sessions focus on bonding and forming a good relationship with the child before actually working on anything specific.
Best of luck!

amother

Brown

Tue, Jul 14 2020, 10:40 am

Following and to let you know my 7.5 year old son is very similar.
Sweet and charming and all teachers love him. But scowls and fowl days are much more frequent since covid.
You aren’t alone!

amother

Tue, Jul 14 2020, 10:43 am

amother [ Natural ] wrote:

Interesting, definitely going to ask his pediatrician about this! Thank you!

amother

Tue, Jul 14 2020, 10:44 am

amother [ Denim ] wrote:

Thank you!

amother

Copper

Tue, Jul 14 2020, 10:44 am

What worked for me was a shift in me- changing myself is changing my son. It’s a long journey and tough as nails but it works

amother

Tue, Jul 14 2020, 10:45 am

amother [ Brown ] wrote:

Following and to let you know my 7.5 year old son is very similar.
Sweet and charming and all teachers love him. But scowls and fowl days are much more frequent since covid.
You aren’t alone!

It really really helps to know I'm not alone. Some days I just wonder what I did wrong that he's so upset all the time but so happy in school. So thank you for the support, it really helps make me feel a little better.

amother

Natural

Tue, Jul 14 2020, 10:45 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Interesting, definitely going to ask his pediatrician about this! Thank you!

feel free to run it by your pedi, but don’t expect to get much support :-/

amother

Cyan

Tue, Jul 14 2020, 10:53 am

As an RD, I will tell you that there is anacdotal evidence but not scientific based research.
Additionally, depending on his personality, I am not sure if depriving him of gluten and dairy is going to help his disposition or if he will feel deprived and like the world is out to get him.

FranticFrummie

Tue, Jul 14 2020, 10:55 am

Poor kid, he sounds miserable!

The lockdown made me very much the same way. I would find myself feeling absolute rage and indignation over the tiniest thing, or for no reason at all.

The only cure is fresh air, play dates, and some space from his siblings. He needs somewhere that he can read, build Lego, or anything else, without being pestered. He needs to go ride his bike around the block. He needs one friend who is somewhat Covid compliant for socialization.

Most of all, he needs tons of empathy, and he needs to know that you hear his complaints. I know it's draining when your child is being a negative black hole of angst. My DD gets that way too, and it's all I can do not to leave the room. I confess that sometimes when she's on a rant, I nod my head, but do grocery lists in my mind at the same time. Mom's gotta do what mom's gotta do. Wink

Try reflective listening, where you repeat back to him what he is saying. "It sounds like you are saying that Dovi is always getting into your stuff and breaking things. It sounds like it's really making you mad that your stuff is not safe." etc.

Next, ask him to help you come up with a solution. "What do you think you should do about it? Is there a way I can help you fix it?" Empower him to problem solve his complaints (AFTER you've offered empathy and listening, not before.)

I've said this a million times, and I'll keep saying it. "Parenting Kids with Love and Logic" is the best parenting book EVER! I've read tons, and nothing has ever come close. The book for teens is excellent, too. It completely changed my relationship with DD.

amother

Natural

Tue, Jul 14 2020, 2:03 pm

amother [ Cyan ] wrote:

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/p.....6949/

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/p.....1836/

OP’s child is already feeling that way. She doesn’t have that much to lose. For us the benefits clearly outweighed the downsides.