Starter support: Messy hoarder - my AREA 51

amother

Sat, Feb 08 2020, 11:39 pm

My family has suffered and is suffering because I am all of the above. (Removed some name calling but they were true) And it is costly and embarrasing. Affects chinuch and sholom bais and productivity. I want to do a drastic tshuva! Just being nice and loving is not enough. A house needs to be very functional!
(Note a few months later: I decided AREA 51 is a very proper name to my most dificult area. I started it finally on August 9)

amother

Khaki

Sun, Feb 09 2020, 12:32 am

https://www.aslobcomesclean.com/new-here/

I love this blog. Really helped me understand what makes me tick. This category in particular (https://www.aslobcomesclean.com/category/figuring-myself-out/) was quite an eye-opener!

Don't worry, even though it feels like you're the only one, you're far from it. We all just do our best to hide it.

amother

Linen

Sun, Feb 09 2020, 1:08 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I will look at fly lady. Thanks. I think I just need to says and write to myself like a child writes 25 times something...."toss toss and toss and toss again". I have so many drawers and boxes etc of mixed unusefull garbage!

So flylady helps with that!
She has a system to throw things out every day. Definitely check it out!
Its really worth it to read her book

FranticFrummie

Sun, Feb 09 2020, 5:51 am

The Konmari technique helped me the most. By giving myself permission to put things in the "maybe" pile indefinitely, I didn't have panic attacks about letting other things go. I am a super sentimental person, and I also have a lot of anxiety, so I feel your pain.

The great thing about the "maybe" pile, is that you can go back to it again and again, as you feel stronger and more able to tackle it. Sometimes it takes me 6 months to let something go. It has to really sink in that I can get rid of something and still feel safe. It's OK. I quit beating myself up about it.

The easiest stuff to let go of, is when you are sending them to a good home. Things that are in good shape can go to a gemach, a charity shop, a new family on the block, or anyone else who might be in need. I can let things go with joy when I know it's a mitzva, and it makes me realize how truly blessed I am.

I also save things like my daughter's favorite rock, from when she was 3 years old. WHY??? I had to convince myself that it was OK to put the rock in the garden. I know, I'm weird like that.

There is no one day that your house will be perfectly organized. Life is a work in progress. Start in one corner or closet, and go from there. When my daughter would get overwhelmed looking at her messy room and not knowing where to start, I would ask her "How do you eat an elephant?" and then say "One bite at a time!"

Your house is your elephant. You just have to take one bite at a time. When you are "full" from decluttering, take a break and let it digest before you start another closet or cabinet.

The one thing that has no place in your home, EVER, is shame. That's just the yetzer hara's way of tricking you into not doing what you want to do. If you ever start feeling shame about your mess/hoarding, open the front door and kick it to the curb. (Do this literally if it helps you.)

SingALong

Sun, Feb 09 2020, 5:10 pm

I found watching Marie Kondo on Netflix very helpful. The people on that show had TONS of stuff! (I did break it down room by room though, couldn’t pile up my clothing, dh, my kids, and Baby etc all in 1 pile, didn’t make sense for me). As I decluttered stuff, if my closet/ task didn’t match something I saw on the show, I googled or watched on you tube how to organize/ declutter, whatever it was. Like my kitchen I couldn’t really relate to her methods, so I looked at a lot of you tube tutorials and stuff.

Mostly give yourself a lot of time. Took me 6 months to do a basic job in my house, 6 kids. I never tackled the garage. I think I’ll hire a professional to do it one of these days.

amother

Thu, Feb 20 2020, 4:24 am

Awesome support here! I started a little only. I did BH get an appt with a psycologist I used once for a child. Bechasdei Hashem she set me up for once a week for a short time. She does not have availability for long. I saw her this week and am scheduled for next week same time. I urge you to make an appt with someone that takes your insurance. You can even make it for 3 months from now. It pays. Its oxygen. And seriously a house that is messy or cluttered and housework lags is bad for your kids and surely bad for husband even if he does not say anything like mine. Thanks everyone!! Yes FF dear, how did you know shame eats me up?

amother

Wed, Jul 15 2020, 2:16 am

Update: Psycologist canceled due to corona. I may go to a replacement. Anyway. I kept house so so. Pretty much bad. The front I made an effort to clean and organize. The other areas were neglected. Now it's summer and my list is big but DH is pestering and doing himself so I do some every day because I feel embarrased when he catches old garbage from about 1999. He complemented, which was massive for me. Its in the works and a neat person does not see the difference, but I know I did work. There is still one tiny part I hid for later . But 40 percent of the room is done. Its a sickness I can tell you. Music helps me clean up. I am neglecting cooking while on this project and we do either easy grocery or take out. To all of you duffering or told to improve. Please do 10 things today!

Rappel

Wed, Jul 15 2020, 2:40 am

OP, you're amazing! You're riding the tiger!

I don't have a hoarding problem, but DH does (not drastic, but definitely affects our lives). When we address a space, I find it useful to talk with him about what we want to use that space for, and then what we need in that space so it can be used properly. Then EVERYTHING else must leave that space. The vision of making the space useful keeps him motivated to decide - move, store, toss - on everything else.

amother

Apricot

Wed, Jul 15 2020, 3:58 am

Check out you tube there is a lady who's channel is called a horders heart she goes though her journey of learning to clean and declutter she tries out all the different methods and makes up her own a bit. She talks about how it's a mental struggle and how it makes her feel. and why it can be hard to get rid of stuff and why she puts a value on things. You can see the begining was hard and then got better and still going strong. It's better then hearing just do it. I am not a horder but grew up on a horded house and never learned proper cleaning/ maintaining skills so it hard I wish I was more organized and clean so it's hard but you can do it .

PinkFridge

Wed, Jul 15 2020, 4:27 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I didn't realize you started the thread in Feb.
You say you kept the house. So so. You and many many thousands/millions of people during this period, with kids home all the time, multiple obligations such as supervising school, working, and doing the housework. It sounds like you're getting there. Hatzlacha!

amother

Wed, Jul 15 2020, 4:03 pm

Just so you know this time my DH pressures a lot. But when I do the few minutes a day I dont let him in. This is my way and I demanded he respect it. I said Im ok you nudge me daily but dont want you by my side. He was offended but too bad. I said look you can change bedding or pack away other rooms but not clean a cluttered area with me. I accpet you pressure me to clean and I know you even want to clean yourself without me but I feel to do it myself. In my case Im embarrased when we find messes of years. So far he pesters every night and I do about 30 minutes (maybe for others it would take 10)

amother

Coral

Wed, Jul 15 2020, 6:04 pm

I'm a hoarder and dh is an extreme minimalist, 99% of our sb problems revolve around this.
If you are on fb there is a group called motherhood simplified which is so kind and uplifting. I've read Marie kondo but something about this group made things click for me in a different way. Still not there but I've gotten way better

amother

Sat, Jul 18 2020, 7:20 pm

My DH wants things faster....Im ok with it. I told him he can. I just dont want anyone by my side when I do this task. I'll have to sweat tomorrow. Most things are garbage... Clothin I dont wear years, lists old mail, old shoes, old everything. What am I so scared ... Why am I so attached? May I will find my lost things...earrings... A head covering I like ... My bathing suit.... tens of gadgets trinkets booklets
garbage. A garbage bag had good things and by mistake I thought was a garbage bag so I added garbage on top ...This is a real handicap for me. I must conquer! I watched a messy teenager. It was great for me. To see how she kept such unimportant stuff. And what a procratinator. It was by seing her mistakes that I had a push that day. It continues a huge strugle. My husband finally complimented even tho Im far from done. It meant a lot.