Teshuva and Geula - please hashem

PeanutMama

Tue, Jul 28 2020, 6:04 pm

So y’all pretty much know my story and everything.
I decided to take a short break, until after Tisha B’Av. (to get into the mournful mood)
During my journey I’ve been though a lot of ups and downs.
I’m so grateful that I found ima and I’m on it a lot lol more than I’m on Facebook (If you figured me out...oh well lol) or WhatsApp combined just because I love the sense of community and reading everything on here.
Honestly I actually learnt a lot from ima.

But I’d like to share with you something that’s close to my heart.
During the three weeks I am usually more connected to the concept of teshuva and geula. Back before I married I used to ask hashem when will the geula come? How can I make myself worthy to see the coming of Moshiach? How can I inspire others to become close to Hashem so we can speedily welcome Moshiach? Unfortunately now I don’t have the answer to those questions.
Then I married.
Then I was pregnant.
Then I lost that baby before I made it to the first appointment. We badly wanted that baby and we were so excited. I didn’t get the chance to grieve. I was rushed, with people saying “oh you’re so young you’ll have another” “I lost mine at 38 weeks at least it wasn’t painful for you as it was for me.”
Then I found out 2 DAYS after chanukah that I was expecting again.
Although I was happy and excited I was quite fearful and anxious until I was reassured with my baby’s movements.
But something was missing and sadly I knew what it was.
I lost my emunah and bitachon in Hakadosh Boruch Hu. I started doubting my journey and it it was really worth it.
Then my son was born.
Finally a baby to hold! A baby to love and to kiss and to cuddle.
But— I was still “in the depths”. I struggled with many mitzvos.
Sadly I broke shabbos (minor stuff, like breaking toilet paper) a bunch of times and I cried guiltily until I slept.
The biggest melacha I did was switch on the light in my anger and hurt.
My husband was shocked and couldn’t believe what happened. He kept saying “shabbos!” in a pained filled voice and his eyes were full of tears. That’s when I realized I went too far.
I scolded myself for hours. How could I have done that?? Have I really fallen that low...did I really think that hashem would let me get away with it? Later my husband said that if one breaks shabbos he isn’t worthy for the next world.
Right away my guilt turned into hurt, maybe anger. “First of all you don’t know what I’m going through yes we have our Moshe (name is, obviously, changed) but I wanted THAT baby! I’m so angry at hashem, we did everything perfectly!”
My husband reminded me “no we were not exactly perfect. Remember we touched while nidda? Hashem punished us by taking that baby and teach us a lesson.”
Oh.
We had a long talk that night and my husband asked me if I have a rav or Rebetzin, or even a mentor.
I said there’s someone who knows me from well before my geirus.
“So then talk to them and tell them what’s on your heart.”

I contacted my mentor who I have not been in touch with since my wedding.

And BH, we discussed many things and I had a LOT of questions. I now keep shabbos fully thank gd and I’ve come to accept chasidish lifestyle. I don’t think it’s that much of a difference from where I came from, which was more like black hat litvish community.

Now that the long part is over....

I grew up with music. I love music and I love to sing.
Since my geirus, I’ve had a HARD time letting go of music for sefira and the three weeks. When I couldn’t stand the no music rule, I’d listen to just one song. But than just one song turned into “just one more song” until I had the self control to s t o p. Sure when I’m anxious I would listen to music enough to calm me down.
Some years were harder than others and after I married and had a baby it was especially hard. It’s like too many changes happened in a short time. Boruch hashem I’m thankful for my husband and my son but I honestly wished I had a little more “me” time, to grow firm in hashkofa and to solidify my trust in hashem.
During this year, it was very very trying.
I’d listen to music once a week but BH I had the control to stop after 2-3 songs. They were songs about Yerusholayim.
But then a few days ago things got so trying, I was sick and tired of being cooped up and not working and only going out for walks or to the grocery, and I said “just one Yerusholayim song.”
HA.
I should not have done it especially after how far I came. I knew subconsciously it was the yetzer hará trying to ensnare me into its long arms. I should’ve listened to that little voice in my head which begged “dont.”
Just today, someone posted a video and for some reason I was compelled to click on it.
It was an acapella song with a video animation of the beis hamikdash and its destruction and finally, it’s rebuilding.
It really woke me up. This is what we lost. This is what happened 2000 years ago. But this will happen. The beis hamikdash will be rebuilt and the Geula will happen — please hashem.
All we gotta do is constantly work on ourselves to be better and to be closer to hashem.

May you all have an easy meaningful fast.

https://youtu.be/gKSIEKX8enY