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Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette
Don’t you hate when....?



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amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Aug 02 2020, 8:10 am
Don’t you hate when you complain about something or even say something good that happened and the other person tries to one up you? I know they’re usually not trying to do that. I know that more likely they’re trying to show they understand. Even those reasons, let me complain about my thing and you not list your grievances. It makes like mine mean nothing. And with good stuff, you don’t have to show that you also have it great. Let me bask in my glory and make it special!

I see it in real life and here.

I have done it in the past, but I have worked on myself to not do that. I still might do it and when I do and realize it, I feel terrible!
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Frumme




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 02 2020, 8:30 am
It's definitely annoying but I think it's a sensitivity most people have to learn, unfortunately.

I, myself, wasn't really aware of it until I went to a positive discipline class. The speaker explained how kids (and adults) are often just looking for validation and she spoke about one of the times she came to this realization IRL (as opposed to just in theory). She said that once, her family was walking on a very hot shabbos. One of her kids complained that they were super sweaty and it was too hot for them. She complained, "imagine walking in this heat in a sheitel!" The child was obviously not happy at the response and the speaker felt guilty after for her choice of words. She could have just said "I know sweetie, it is very hot out, just try to hold on for XYZ minutes" and the kid would have felt validated; instead, the child felt like no one was listening and, like you said, probably "one upped."

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that I don't think people realize it when they do it. Unfortunately, so many people do it that it seems socially acceptable to do, even when it's unhelpful. I think if there is a person who does it often to you and you are relatively close to them, it might be fair to tell them that you're just looking for validation or a space to vent before you start the rest of the conversation.

If it's a stranger or acquaintance, I'm not sure there's much to do, unfortunately.
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amother
Mint


 

Post Sun, Aug 02 2020, 9:54 am
I usually dont do it regularly but I for sure slip up on occasion. It is very invalidating and makes you not enjoy the convo.
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amother
Coral


 

Post Sun, Aug 02 2020, 10:44 am
Yes, my husband does it all the time.

He is a great man, but this one aspect is so frustrating.

I'm still trying to remind him/ explain to him. Eventually he'll learn.
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amother
Tangerine


 

Post Sun, Aug 02 2020, 3:05 pm
My co worker does it all the time.
My mom went to the hosptial I couldn't even finish the story, because she launches in about the story of her mother ( which of course we already heard when it happened ! ). It is very annoying but I know her personality and it is not changing so I just don’t tell her anything about my personal life.
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asmileaday




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 02 2020, 3:25 pm
I used to do this as a young child till one of my friends made me aware of it and I stopped.
I think it's a way of trying to connect to the other person's story, but is wrong and comes across as very invalidating.
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amother
Teal


 

Post Sun, Aug 02 2020, 6:39 pm
My MIL does this and it's so frustrating. I think on some level it's conscious. She needs to feel like the victim in every situation. I can't talk about my kids because whatever they're doing, her kids did it better - or more dangerous - or harder - or faster. I stopped sharing with her.
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