Pushing off an Upsherin/Chalaka?

amother

White

Wed, Aug 05 2020, 9:36 am

Oh, and ftr, the elder of my sons was toilet trained at 3 years, 10 months. The second was at 3.5. (bowel movements they were already having in the toilet for at least half a year, and I felt like that was the bigger hurdle). School was not an issue as they were still home then.
I don't know how parents get their children to go to the bathroom. Mine always refused, but once they decided to go to the bathroom of their own accord, the "toilet training" was accomplished overnight they almost never had accidents.

amother

Mint

Wed, Aug 05 2020, 9:39 am

I think this is a question for a Rav and not for imamother. Many boys are stubborn, it's not reason enough to push it off. Unless we're talking about a special needs child. Ask a shaila. Maybe he can wear a kippa without cutting his hair.
I do find that many boys get overwhelmed when having a big party causing them to be more stubborn and scared. Cut his hair in private without an audience.

SuperWify

Wed, Aug 05 2020, 11:04 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I'm happy to hear you think it might be sensory and not a mental delay, B"H. He's very sensory, yes. I can go about the evaluation thing, but through insurance, it takes a long time. What can I do in the interim to help him deal? I did find with my other kids that they all outgrew their sensory issues to some extent.

I don’t know your child. I can only guess from what your describing. Could be something else. But an evaluation never hurts.
You can also go for an evaluation with a neuro-developmental specialist if you thinks it’s something more.

amother

Wed, Aug 05 2020, 11:48 am

Hi, thanks for all the input. I'm adding in that we are Litvish, and we have no halacha regarding cutting hair, so we would not need to consult a rav. I can cut his hair today if I want. But we are in E"Y, where all the Litvish kids wait until age 3.

I know one family that pushed off the chalakah for convenience purposes (read: the mother was too emotionally attached to the long hair). And I know one mother of a special needs boy, who doesn't want to cut his hair and have him look 3 when he's on the level of a 2 year old or less.

I don't know of any "gentle" barbers in the area. I do like the idea of having him sit on my lap while my husband cuts his hair. I also like the idea of not making a grand party out of the haircut, rather something simple and private. I also love the idea of first giving dh and my older son a cut, so he might want to be involved.

Toilet training is a must if he wants to start cheder on time. I called today to check. He's doing ok in that regard, but he's scared to make poop on the toilet (sensory issues). I've always known he was sensory, I never realized his stubbornness and needing everything to be exactly the way he's always known it was part of the sensory issues.

Anyone reading this just take a moment to daven for us, ok? I know, B"H, these are all just the small bumps along the way of child-rearing. But it's hard while you're in it.

amother

Babyblue

Wed, Aug 05 2020, 12:00 pm

My son is wild and we didn’t think he would sit still and we didn’t push it off. The barber came with a big spinning chair so he was excited to go for a ride. My siblings brought him presents so he was looking down and opening the presents while we each took a snip. The barber did the machine and we didn’t make a big deal and he sat nicely. We talked before hand about the barber and a machine that goes whirrrrt on his head but doesn’t hurt and bh he was good. It was very fast

amother

Wed, Aug 26 2020, 2:58 am

I don't know how exactly, but B"H we managed to cut his hair yesterday. He is also fully potty trained and wearing a kippah (he refused tzitzis, so we'll have to work on that). Nothing short of a miracle. Thanks for all your support! Very Happy

amother

Wed, Aug 26 2020, 4:03 am

In Israel, basically all Chareidim, Litvish included, do a chalakah. It's also done in many Dati Leumi communities. I think most, even, but I can't confirm that.

Edited to add: It is not a Litvish minhag, but it's just become the norm here. So maybe it is a minhag by now?

chanchy123

Wed, Aug 26 2020, 4:09 am

amother [ Seashell ] wrote:

So glad it worked out, but curious - what kind of Litvak grows a boy's hair long? I know of chassidim and some sefardim who do this, but as far as I know it's totally not a Litvish minhag.

In Israel it is very common among all frum Jews to give a first haircut at three with a khalake, and the boy gets a kippah and titzit. It’s a minhag, not Halacha. We’re growing my son’s hair add I hate it. I did not grow up with this minhag but it’s important to DH.

camp123

Wed, Aug 26 2020, 5:12 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

He's made it pretty clear with his very limited verbal skills that he will not be cooperating for any haircut.

And, let's say he does get his hair cut, but then refuses to wear a kippah and tzitzis? That would be very awkward for us. I'd much rather a boy with a long ponytail who looks like he's still 2 if he's not going to agree to wear a kippah.

A three year old not wearing kipa and tzizis should not feel awkward to you. Clearly he's refusing. But, more to the point if you are going to worry about what others think before worrying about what is right for him, you will cause him problems in the future.
Cut his hair, encourage him to wear the kippa, he might surprise you and if not when he's ready he'll do it. Personally I like to wait for tzizis until they are toilet trained. Just bc when you toilet train it gets wet and in the way and makes it hard for them.

amother

Green

Wed, Aug 26 2020, 7:57 am

I think it’s typical for a child whose that age who never had a haircut to be nervous. Don’t do it at a party. Do it privately at the barber shop if it’s a big deal does him.

It’s not a Halacha at all.

Don’t let your 3 year old decide when it’s time to cut his hair. Your the adult, act like it.

Edit:as for wearing tzizis and yarmulka, he’s a kids it’s ok if it takes time for him to get used to. My three year old hated wearing a yarmulka so I bought him lots of caps.

And there are Jews who don’t keep the minhag so your kid won’t be the first Jewish boy without long hair and yarmulka.