High Strung Children, Mom Up in Arms

amother

Fri, Aug 07 2020, 9:18 am

amother [ Brunette ] wrote:

Do you implement firm boundaries in the home? I.e. if child does something chutzpadik or hurts another child in the home is their an immediate firm consequence? I'm a super laid back parent and had to learn that in order for my home to thrive consequences and boundaries are crucial or else everything goes haywire. Kids thrive from having appropriate boundaries- including ODD kids (which it sounds like yours are)

Can you give me examples of consequences for chutzpah?
Some of my challenge lies therein here. Much of their behavior deserves punishing, but then I would be handing out punishments all day. That’s too much negative energy flowing around, which backfires. I have 2-3 things I’m super firm with but believe me they are so cunning & creative that they manage to get around it, or they just don’t care enough. Again, they are atypical children. If you can help me with ideas of consequences I would appreciate that.

amother

Brunette

Fri, Aug 07 2020, 9:49 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Negative energy is created by not enough consequences and kids run amok as well...so lets say a kid says shut up to a parent- boom, immediate consequence. It can be the next thing on the list - if its time to ride bikes outside, that kid isn't allowed to, bike gets taken away. OR a significant amount of time in his room to cool off. I find after room time my kids are more focused and dont come out fuming, they come out much calmer. Deep down they need the safety of feeling put in their place, and the security of knowing a parent is there to put keep in line when they are out of control. Yes, the first week you may feel overwhelmed doling out punishments but I can almost guarantee the second week you'll see overall improvement if you're extremely clear and committed. the kids have to know the rules first obviously, the problem with chutzpa is that its not so clearly defined. so you might need to have a conversation first about what is against the house rules- I.e.- silly faces might be ok, but shut up is not, and you'll be punished for it.
Feel empowered. YOU are the parent and they are the children. No matter how extreme their opposition deficient disorder is, or how hyper they are- you are the parent, they need to know that and you need to know that. And punishments and consequences are NOT going to hurt them, they are going to help them in the long run even if emotionally it feels counter-intuitive. You need to grab the reigns of being the parent and do it like a boss! You are in charge, not them.

amother

Fri, Aug 07 2020, 11:15 am

amother [ Brunette ] wrote:

I could not agree with you more!! This is constantly at the forefront of my mind. BUT the challenge is that the given child refuses to go to their room, says I anyway didn’t want to ride the bike, I don’t care... then it’s punishment upon punishment and the negative cycle gets us back to square one.
I appreciate your insight. Each response enable me to see things from a different perspective and delve deeper trying to figure out the root of the problem.

amother

Brunette

Fri, Aug 07 2020, 11:20 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Can you share the age range of your children? If he says he doesn't care about not riding the bike then great, no problem, YOU still followed through and set the consequence, no need for anything more. He can't refuse to go to his room though. If he's little you calmly pick him up and stick him there. If he's older then its harder and maybe not the right punishment for him, but up until 11 or so there's no room for no, if mommy says go the room you go, or you get put there.

amother

Burlywood

Fri, Aug 07 2020, 12:12 pm

Hi OP! I am in a similar situation here too with more then 5 kids. My 9 year old, who is the most difficult of the bunch with other behavioral issues, in the above example would refuse to go to his room and then turn it into a whole game of try and make me do anything I won't listen or come chase after me. There is no way to get him in the room. He is too fast and strong to physically pick him up or drag. How a mother above would you respond?

amother

Burlywood

Fri, Aug 07 2020, 12:43 pm

While I am not OP, I hope since I have a similar situation that you mothers can help me too. Op, please let me know if you feel I am hijacking your thread. My kids are definitely gifted! I think that's why normal toys and activities don't interest them. They like to use random items found around the house creatively instead of for their intended purpose, as a substitute for toys. But, the creativity comes at a price because it usually comes with the destruction of items, intentionally or not. Planning a very busy day, to prevent boredom and destruction, will lead them to claim it's all boring unless I let them use power tools like electric saws and do wood working projects. That's impossible to do safely with so many little kids, even with drills being a substitute for the saws. My husband has no interest in doing these activities or sports with them even on the rare occasion that he is home like a Sunday afternoon.

amother

Fri, Aug 07 2020, 2:20 pm

mha3484 wrote:

OP are any of your kids gifted? Some of this sounds like boredom to me which would explain your school related challenges.

My oldest has different interests than children of the same age. He’s a Very intellectual & analytical child. I definitely think some of them are gifted in certain areas, but they have their weaknesses also, which balances it out. I strongly feel that the school issues border with authority and being completely fearless, plus pushing their boundaries.

amother

Fri, Aug 07 2020, 2:22 pm

amother [ Brunette ] wrote:

My children’s ages range from 1-9.

amother

Fri, Aug 07 2020, 2:25 pm

amother [ Burlywood ] wrote:

I can definitely relate to the electric saw and power drill usage. Creative uses for house items? Absolutely!!
The QUESTION is how to guide these high spirited children to toe the line in school and at home??

amother

Fri, Aug 07 2020, 2:29 pm

amother [ Burlywood ] wrote:

I feel your pain fellow mom! It gets even more challenging when the rest of the kids follow suit and challenge as well. If he’s not going to the room they take advantage of the moment & why should they listen to mommy?!

amother

Burlywood

Fri, Aug 07 2020, 5:14 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I definitely think some of them are gifted in certain areas, but they have their weaknesses also, which balances it out.

This is very common amongst gifted children. Being gifted in one area while having difficulty in another. Do you mean "balances it out" that they use their strengths to compensate in the areas in which they have weakness? Sometimes the weakness is in an academic area or it can be behaviour or socially.

Op, as I read your post I find myself nodding and thinking....My kids have very similar issues. You are not alone. While it's not a very common issue, and people sometimes can't understand and relate to it, it is a very real and difficult issue. Having gifted kids is a blessing, but it doesn't mean that it is all peaches and cream. It comes with its own set of challenges.

amother

Blush

Fri, Aug 07 2020, 5:21 pm

Basically a weak immune/ digestive system that does not optimize nutrients being eaten for a variety of reasons ie chronic infection , or inflammation .. I’m not a medical person but have been reading up on this for years .. Dr. Elisa song in California is a fabulous pediatrician who combines western medicine with functional medicine .. wish we had a pediatrician like this in ny . Sometimes a simple dietary change can have a huge impact especially gluten, dairy, and eliminating certain chemicals . The pandas threads will be very helpful to read. These kids are often labeled twice exceptional ... uneven development with clear strengths and weaknesses, often challenged in self - regulation of behavior.

amother

Firebrick

Sun, Aug 09 2020, 1:40 am

Op, I can so relate with your struggles.

2 of my kids have pandas and you are describing some of their behaviours... add to that, leaving the house and walking off. They were missing for 2 hours!.....
Leaving the house at 6am. Oh yes! (4yo girl)
Exrteme hyperactivity. Rage. Emotional dystegulation. Extreme sensory avoident / seeking both in the same minute.
Sleeping issues. Incontinence issues (in a 7yo) selective hearing.

I struggled for 6 years like this. Bh we got a PANS diagnosis after a particularly bad episode and since starting treatment there has been a HUGE improvement.
(Even so, one kid threw something in an impulsive rage and gave the other kid such a bad injury she needed to have her stitches on her face.)

3x strep in one year is imo a lot. You could all be passing it around. You might need to treat the entire family at once. And your kids w behavioural issues long term abx.
Pandas / Pans often runs in families. So if you have one kid with pandas / pans, chances are you will have another kid. Keep that in mind.

amother

Babypink

Sun, Aug 09 2020, 1:51 am

I have been there...my saving grace had been getting support for me and my family from the Guttmann sisters in New York. They helped my child with anxiety years ago but during the treatment they helped me so now with covid and me struggling with my two younger ones, I’ve reached out them and they have been a rock. They have a way of identifying the problems and being solution oriented - not just generalized. Good luck and keep us posted. 💗

amother

Sun, Aug 09 2020, 9:50 am

amother [ Firebrick ] wrote:

And once again they have strep:( I was able to tell by their regression in behavior.
If I’d like to rule out pandas, where do I start??

amother

Tangerine

Sun, Aug 09 2020, 10:09 am

I am a big fan of Sara Chana Radcliffe.
You can hire her privately

Friends & family sign up at dailyparentingposts.com/sign-up

With Chutzpah you educate. “We don’t speak this way” “that is unacceptable “ and then “If you feel you should get first, say, Mommy please can I have first”

Oh, and it’s not a quick fix. You will educate until they are 18 1/2 for sure.

amother

Jade

Sun, Aug 09 2020, 10:42 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

And once again they have strep:( I was able to tell by their regression in behavior.
If I’d like to rule out pandas, where do I start??

Don't know where u live, so we can't help with doctor. but I would make sure they are on a great antibiotics (amoxicillin doesn't cut it) and try motrin round the clock for all of them for a week. You should be able to see some improvement from those two things alone.
And also, test mom and dad for strep as well (every family member with overnight culture, so all are treated at once).