Chabad names- how to still be unique??

banana123

Tue, Aug 11 2020, 3:25 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Good for DH. Next time he pushes a 9+ lbs baby out his nether regions, he can totally choose from those 7 names. Or all 7 names together in a super kadosh conglomerate.

I'm calling this kid Muhammad, because I'm just so fed up of trying to please such a stubborn DH.

C'mon, at least call him Abdullah, which is the Arabic equivalent of Ovadia.
Don't give him the sicko prophet's name...

amother

Mauve

Tue, Aug 11 2020, 3:26 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

This isn't a "finding unique Chabad names" issue. This is a "can't compromise with DH about naming the baby and coming to a decision together" issue.
If it were the former, we could write you lists and lists of names. But being that it's the latter, you have a different question on your hands.

banana123

Tue, Aug 11 2020, 3:36 pm

Following Mauve's comment, I want to add that there are plenty of "gezhe" Chabad families who don't name exclusively after the rebbeim, but also include grandparents' names, etc.

And there are non-frum and even non-Jewish Menachem Mendels.

I believe - I need to find the source - that the Rebbe made it very clear that first you name after grandparents and only then do you name after the rebbeim.

But while I understand your husband's desire, and it is a very common one among BTs (very very common), you both need to know that naming a chassidishe name does not guarantee acceptance in Chabad, nor does it make you more chassidishe as people. I'm saying this because many people have tried these tactics, only to be disappointed. It's true that names reflect a person's pnimiyus, but giving names to fit in is the act of a chitzon, and it doesn't work. (If you tell this to your husband, show it to him, don't tell him, so that he can blame me. You have nothing to do with what I decide to say...)

This is one reason why you both need a mashpia, and perhaps you should ask your rav, if you don't have a mashpia.

trixx

Tue, Aug 11 2020, 3:37 pm

amother [ Mauve ] wrote:

I was just going to say this. Even rumpelstiltskin won't be your answer bc the name isnt the problem here.

amother

Lavender

Tue, Aug 11 2020, 4:20 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Which is personally why I strongly believe a woman has the upper hand when choosing a name. Sorry, she carried the baby for 9 painful months, she went through a nasty delivery, she goes through another month till she is anywhere near her old self.

Yes, she has more rights to choosing the name. You can say it's not PC or whatever, but there is no equality here. The least a mother can have after all that is the upper hand in choosing a name.

Obviously a couple should come to an agreement together, but I stand by what I said, mom's preferences come first.

OP, your dh is going to an extreme. I don't know why you are going along with this. Try to find a name you like among his tiny list. If you don't find anything, then sorry, he will need to compromise. He is not being reasonable at all. It's not like he said he doesn't want a three syllable name or a modern name or a name with a 'chet' sound.
Vetoing certain groups of names is fine. Vetoing all but seven names is just controlling and ridiculous.

amother

Scarlet

Tue, Aug 11 2020, 4:28 pm

That same strength that enables a baal teshuva to change his lifestyle is why he must have guidance to know when to relax his rigidity and how much.
Just like any character trait, it needs to be channeled appropriately.
OP please realize that every individual needs guidance in life. There is nothing wrong or shameful in asking a Rav or mashpia. It's the way we stay on the right track.
My children are named 2 for Rebbeim, 2 for grandfathers, 2 Rebbetzins, and 1 grandmother.

banana123

Tue, Aug 11 2020, 4:28 pm

amother [ Lavender ] wrote:

Please, don't sow resentment in someone else's home.

For your information, while I don't agree with her DH's insistence on choosing one of only 6 names (the Tzemach Tzedek and the Rebbe were both Menachem Mendel), her husband is not being controlling at all.

And while we see this as ridiculous, from his perspective it is not.

You need to understand the mindset. What he is insisting is actually very common among people who are relatively new BTs. It's not controlling, it's not ridiculous, it's incredibly common. And, I would venture to say that her DH at some point won't care as much as he does right now. But in the meantime, this is a totally normal desire and totally normal stage, and totally normal insistence.

That doesn't contradict the fact that the two of them need to come to some sort of compromise, and preferably discuss the issue with either their rav or a mashpia.

Also, instead of telling OP off for trying not to pick a fight, why not tell her kol hakavod for trying so hard to work with her DH even though she really doesn't want to give any of these 6 names?

Frumme

Tue, Aug 11 2020, 4:29 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Oy I'm so disappointed, just when I'd fallen in love with Meir Shlomo and read about him, DH said he only wants a name of one of the Rebbeim Sad

Back to the drawing board. This must be the real reason pregnancy lasts 9 months...

Uhh what happened to compromise? DH doesn't get to just suddenly say he only wants a name of one of the Rebbeim. First he wanted a Chabad name and didn't seem specific on it. Then you finally found a Chabad name that has very holy roots and that appeals to you on a deeper level than others have, and now he is making more demands? It doesn't seem right at all.

The Rebbe himself suggested that parents take turns naming children and stressed that both parents have to agree to the name (Shaarei Halachah Uminhag). So if the names of the Rebbeim are currently not appealing to you, there must be a reason and you shouldn't be bullied into naming a child something you don't like.

(By "there must be a reason," I mean that parents have a spiritual connection to the name they give their child... As a personal story, my first child was the first in my family after my Zaidy had passed away. There was a lot of pressure from my Bubby to name my child after him. But as much as I loved my Zaidy, I couldn't get behind naming my child his name! I had a lot of anxiety about it. As it turns out, I gave birth to a girl! Of course I wasn't having a "connection" to the name because it wasn't the right name for my baby at all. After I gave birth, I suddenly didn't mind my Zaidy's name much at all and in fact would probably be fine with the name now. Lol)

amother

Lavender

Tue, Aug 11 2020, 4:34 pm

banana123 wrote:

I am sorry, but sometimes someone needs to see it from the outside. And sometimes a BT who has gone to the extreme needs a good shake, not a wife who submits but inside is seething with resentment. (Look at her last post if you want to see how happy she is about this).

I don't think it's my job to convince her to settle for one of six names the dh presented her with. (I did tell her to try. If she can connect to one of them, then great. But it doesn't seem to be going in that direction).

If she chooses a name she doesn't like, the resentment will build. That is not healthy for anyone long term.
Sometimes not picking a fight now creates an explosion down the line.

amother

Lavender

Tue, Aug 11 2020, 4:45 pm

banana123 wrote:

Just because something is 'incredibly common' doesn't make it any less controlling.
And just because from his perspective it's not controlling, doesn't mean it isn't.
I am sorry, but presenting your wife with only 6 names to choose from is incredibly controlling, and it doesn't matter if those names are of rebbeim or grandparents or just names you love.