Do you find raising children is religiously inspiring?

amother

Lavender

Fri, Aug 21 2020, 3:17 am

A major reason and goal for Torah and miztvos is to develop, enrichen and deepen our connection with Hashem; our emunah in Him, our relationship with Him. Whatever will bring your husband closer to that goal is kodosh kodosh kodosh. If he can connect and awaken his neshama thru Tehilim, that is avodas Hashem! Thru chassidus and musar; he is bringing Hashem true nachas! Thru talking it all out with Hashem (as our avos and all Jews through the generations did); that should provide comfort, clarity, direction and a closeness that cannot be traded for all the excitement and pleasure of this world! Hashem wants our heart, not just our head. Men as well. Hashem understands what your husband is going through and loves Him in the struggle. Hashem is waiting for him with love and patience to turn to Him and simply say, "Hashem, it's hard for me; please open my heart and bring me close to You. Please arouse in me Your love and can we have a close, enriching, rewarding relationship." Then he could return to gemara with an new excitement! Wishing you both hatzlacha and siyata d'shmaya.

someone

Fri, Aug 21 2020, 3:47 am

zaq wrote:

Nope nope nope. Bringing up children is years and years of noisy, messy, frustrating, exhausting, teeth-grinding, crazy-making HARD WORK interspersed with moments of rollicking laughter, deep embarrassment, eye-misting sentiment, soul-flooding nachas, rip-snorting amusement, and sheer indescribable joy. People who are already of a spiritual bent will find religious inspiration in all of this; those who are more earthbound will probably not.

One should have children because one wants them, period. You never know in advance how your children will turn out, and at the end of the day, they are not there to be your nachas machines or your religious inspiration or even your comfort in your old age. You can certainly pray and work for them to be all three, but if you 're planning to have children because you romantically envision the frum equivalent of a Norman Rockwell Thanksgiving, you're asking to be disappointed.

It's not religiously meaningful to bring children up lemaasim tovim? If that isn't, then I'd like to know what is? Seems to me if you don't accomplish at least that, there's no point to having them, be you Jew or gentile.

Wow. Just liking this wasn't enough

amother

Slateblue

Fri, Aug 21 2020, 5:32 am

I don’t think it is your responsibility to be his Magid Shiur and buy him seforim if he is not interested in learning and has doubts.
Unless he asks you for sources and help to figure this out, you are pushing him away by trying to make him into something he is not.
This is his experience to live through and figure out. No amount of pressuring will get him there.
You need to accept the fact that this might be your life, or move on if it is too much for you to swallow.
Figuring out your faith is a gut wrenching personal experience, that is not just about being inspired by religion. You might want to go along with his journey as well, or decide to sit it out.
Or you might decide that the risk of him coming to other conclusions is too much for you.
Good luck in whatever you choose.

amother

Lemon

Fri, Aug 21 2020, 6:23 am

I feel your husband may like Torah more and frumkeit more if he A wasn’t so hard on himself, perhaps he has high standard he thinks he needs to live up to and B he found something at his pace he could enjoy maybe in a social setting

To answer your actual Q,
Becoming a father and becoming a mother are two VERY different experiences.
You can’t answer the Q as “becoming parents“ “raising children” as a whole.
Because your experience and his will be very different.

For me personally, it hurt my frumkiet in ways and made it better in others.
I had less time to daven, or go to shul, I mean basically time was non existent for that anymore!
But I grew spiritually, and emotionally, in ways that connected my emunah and appreciation to Hashem way more. I valued things differently, people differently, life differently.

I don’t think a baby EVER fixes any problems.

He needs to work that out.

I’m concerned you say therapy isn’t a fit. That’s not for you to decide or assume.
Try to get him the help and guidance he needs because a baby makes everything harder and more stressful.

Last edited by amother on Wed, Nov 04 2020, 2:52 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Maroon

Fri, Aug 21 2020, 6:25 am

Grandchildren are very religiously inspiring. However, sounds like you have a ways to go before then.

Behind the scenes discreetly look for mentoring connections for your husband. Listen to shiurim together, participate in events and socialize with people who model this. I would focus on bringing more joy into our home. Kids can help bring more joy into the yomim tovim, shabbos, as you can make it fun and kid friendly and work to inspire them which inspires us. Kids take us out of ourselves and help us focus on our tradition and future.

hugs and hatzlocha

Bshaah Tovah!

princessleah

Fri, Aug 21 2020, 1:59 pm

OP, you say you are RWMO, so maybe your DH can read some of Rav Soloveitchik's works, which are inspiring. Specifically, the book "Halachic Man" which is about living your life in the modern world and incorporating Torah and Halacha into the essence of who you are and how you go about living your life.

I just read a few passages from Rabbi Heschel about Shabbat and they were absolutely breathtaking. There is so much good stuff out there.