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Forum -> Chinuch, Education & Schooling
How do I handle?



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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Aug 24 2020, 7:43 pm
4 yr old DD sometimes just doesn't listen. this afternoon she kept hurting another sibling so I told her calmly she will not be able to get bedtime snack if she continues to do this. she kept doing it and after few warnings I gave her the punishment. she started yelling and screaming and I had to be the one to actually place her in the bath and get her in PJs. all the while she was still screaming and crying. I was very calm and explained to her twice why this was happening.

then she just wasn't staying in bed. she was screaming and not letting anyone else fall asleep. I spoke to her a few time nicely to please go into bed. after 20 mins of this I lost it and yelled at her to get into bed. that didnt' work either and tehn I literally picked her up put her into bed and sat on her bed and made sure she didn't get up. she finally stopped crying but its 7:45 and all the kids are up from all the noise she made Sad

what should I do and how should I handle this in the future. I know I'm not doing something right here.
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amother
Amethyst


 

Post Mon, Aug 24 2020, 7:44 pm
Sometimes when my kids act out like this, I find that they really just need a hug and some cuddles.
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Aug 24 2020, 7:51 pm
amother [ Amethyst ] wrote:
Sometimes when my kids act out like this, I find that they really just need a hug and some cuddles.


you might be very right! I do that to her lots of times when she acts up. this kind of scenario I wouldn't think of that thought.

when should I have tried that-after she kept hurting the sibling? I do need her to know that she can't just smack and hurt another sibling instead of talking to them about whatever they need (which she usually does correctly...)
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amother
Amethyst


 

Post Mon, Aug 24 2020, 7:56 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
you might be very right! I do that to her lots of times when she acts up. this kind of scenario I wouldn't think of that thought.

when should I have tried that-after she kept hurting the sibling? I do need her to know that she can't just smack and hurt another sibling instead of talking to them about whatever they need (which she usually does correctly...)


Well, I see it like this: You said if she continues hurting the sibling, she would have a consequence. (No snack.) That is the consequence. You can give the other kids snack time and go sit with her and hug/cuddle quietly until she is calmer. Empathize: Yes, it's hard to not get a snack that you want. I'm here for a hug.

Because at that age, they need limits and to see cause and effect, but they also need help learning how to handle feelings. You can help her process her feelings. You will not be giving her the snack that she lost the privilege of having.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Aug 24 2020, 7:57 pm
Losing her snack has nothing to do with her sibling, in her 4yo mind. It's not a logical consequence.

Consequences should be directly tied to the action. If you hurt your sibling, you have to go in time out and be away from that sibling. You can come out of time out when you are ready to play nice and apologize (or go do something else and leave sibling alone.)

Is this a fairly new baby? If so, she's going to be all kinds of jealous because your attention is divided. She's resentful, acting out, and wanting you 100% to herself. If she's continuing to be naughty, and tantruming all the way to bed time, she has exactly what she wants - you paying attention to her.

In cases like these, time out is best. When she can come out of time out, tell her again why she was in time out, and then give her hugs and kisses if she promises to be good.
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amother
Amber


 

Post Mon, Aug 24 2020, 7:58 pm
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Aug 24 2020, 8:08 pm
FranticFrummie wrote:
Losing her snack has nothing to do with her sibling, in her 4yo mind. It's not a logical consequence.

Consequences should be directly tied to the action. If you hurt your sibling, you have to go in time out and be away from that sibling. You can come out of time out when you are ready to play nice and apologize (or go do something else and leave sibling alone.)

Is this a fairly new baby? If so, she's going to be all kinds of jealous because your attention is divided. She's resentful, acting out, and wanting you 100% to herself. If she's continuing to be naughty, and tantruming all the way to bed time, she has exactly what she wants - you paying attention to her.

In cases like these, time out is best. When she can come out of time out, tell her again why she was in time out, and then give her hugs and kisses if she promises to be good.


smart and though out. thmnks! problem is she won't stay in time out, nor will she even get there if I tell her to. and I don't like the idea of holding the door shut so she can't open it...
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Aug 24 2020, 8:18 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
smart and though out. thmnks! problem is she won't stay in time out, nor will she even get there if I tell her to. and I don't like the idea of holding the door shut so she can't open it...


You need to take a dining room chair and put it in the corner. Physically PUT her in the chair. One minute for each year of age is the golden rule here. You supervise her, and make sure she stays there. When you put her on the chair, tell her what she did that got her there in the first place.

Here's an example: "Shani, I told you to stop hitting Dovi, and you didn't stop. When you hit it hurts people, and it's not OK. Because you didn't stop hitting, you have to be in time out for 4 minutes. I am going to set the timer, and when you hear the bell, I will come and get you from time out. I want you to stay here and calm down, and then we can talk."

I know that's a lot of words, but the first few times you are going to have to explain in detail why she is supposed to sit in a chair, or she won't get it. Eventually, you will just have to say "Shani, I need you to go to the chair. We don't hit in this house. When you hear the alarm I will get you."

When you get her out of time out, explain again why you put her there, and what you expect her to do instead. "Shani, you got in time out for hitting. Do you think you can play nice now? OK, I'd like you to go tell Dovi that you are sorry for hitting."

It's really important that this is done very calmly, almost like you are bored. The more emotional you get, the more she wins. It's also very important to name the reason she's in trouble, and to explain what you want her to do instead.

She can kick, cry, yell, or anything else she wants, but she needs to stay in that chair. If she gets up, the 4 minutes starts over. The first few times, you may have to put her back in the chair 20 times or more. She needs to know that YOU MEAN BUSINESS, and that you are not going to cave in and give up. Every time she gets up, tell her "No, you have to wait for the alarm. I'm going to start the alarm again, and you need to wait here until you can calm down."

Rinse, repeat. It's frustrating at first, but if you stick with it you'll be so glad you did. My mom did this with my sister and me, and neither of us are traumatized by it.
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pizza4




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Aug 24 2020, 9:06 pm
I'd do what ff says, minus the time outs which have not worked for me. Meaning talk to the kid, listen to her upset and her side of it, hug and remind her what she can do next time, and how to fix this, by apologizing or something.
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