Would you visit/reach out?

amother

Fri, Aug 28 2020, 9:19 am

If your sibling in law was injured and is therefore homebound and has temporarily limited abilities, would you visit/call or message to check in, more than just an initial Refuah sheleimah/ express care in some form?
If it was your dil and you live far away so can't visit, would you call to inquire how they are doing, send a card...?
Am I wrong for being offended that only my side of the family and friends offered assistance/visited/sent small gifts but dh's side didn't at all, other than wish Refuah sheleimah when they heard what happened?
It's not affecting the way I interact with them at all, I just feel that it's strange and I feel bad for Dh that this is what his family is like.
Curious what your thoughts are.

Edited to add I am actually hurt by this. But I don't hold a grudge, I'm not angry, I'm just hurt.

amother

Coffee

Fri, Aug 28 2020, 9:33 am

I would reach out to help family if I knew about it. DH didn't tell me his mother was having surgery and I only found out because I video called her with the kids and saw the bandages.

Can you be DLKZ and assume that they're busy or overwhelmed with kids home or in their first trimester and unable to spare energy for anyone else?

amother

Ivory

Fri, Aug 28 2020, 9:34 am

What was your relationship like before?
How do they interact with eachother or the other in-law children?
Have you invited/asked for help?
My in-law family is very formal and values privacy above all else. Years ago I would have been offended and thought they didn't care about me, but I see it is them being respectful and not wanting to impose. They assuming that if one wanted company or assistance or anything else, that they would ask and it is offensive to impose and offer. No ill is ment. It is in stark contrast to my family which is, as my husband would say-in your face, obtrusive, and overbearing.
I would be hurt and have been many times over the years. But after 20, I accept it as just a different social derech.
I see the benefits and flaws in both. Neither is good, bad, right, or wrong.
But nobody is happy with anything.
Good luck to my future in-law children.

Chayalle

Fri, Aug 28 2020, 9:35 am

You are not wrong. It boggles me but some people act that way toward their son's/brother's/husband's family.

I'm lucky to have incredibly supportive SIL's - wives of my husband's brothers. When I had a baby, when I sat Shiva, when I had a power outage...they stepped in and offered whatever they could do to help. I'm very grateful to them. I don't take them for granted, OTOH, but OTOH, I do think it's the right way to behave toward family.

ra_mom

Fri, Aug 28 2020, 9:54 am

I would try to check in with texts occasionally if we aren't close. If I just heard through the grapevine and she didn't call to tell me directly, I might just give her her space.

amother

Scarlet

Fri, Aug 28 2020, 9:58 am

Actually when I was in that situation it was my sil who offered to come and help out. (as well as my mother) We aren't super close but most of my sils called or texted or actually helped. Still grateful to her. Most of my siblings reached out to help too.

southernbubby

Fri, Aug 28 2020, 10:43 am

Some people are not very perceptive or thoughtful but there are lots of ways to show caring without spending a lot of money. A DIL, for example may really want that Peas, Love and Carrots cook book so for approximately $40, you can be a hero. New snoods, ditto. Same for SIL. Find out first if she already has one. The frum book store is a cheap way to look generous.