Doing for my children vs being with my children - pls advise

amother

Mon, Sep 07 2020, 6:51 am

I have a hard time spending time bonding with my children

I'm very literal technical practical

I'm not naturally playful

I missed the boat with the teens maybe but perhaps there is still hope

children range ages 4-18

all advice much appreciated

ChanieMommy

Mon, Sep 07 2020, 7:10 am

My father is very literal technical practical, but we bonded over playing the same instrument and going to orchestra rehearsal together every week... mainly just the way to drive there and back home - and the fact we do something together

Also we ate dinner together every evening as a family. And we children were always allowed to speak, to ask,to express our opinion.

I think this did a lot of bonding, and also gave me an excellent basis for logical and scientific thinking.

On the other hand, he also liked to make fun about my other hobbies (except the music we shared), about the names of my friends at school, etc. and this gave me the (wrong) impression that I could not confide in him and that he is not interested in those topics... I think it's good for a child to learn to bear to be made fun of, but he took some aspect of it too far...

amother

Bronze

Mon, Sep 07 2020, 8:17 am

You may not have missed any boat. Good for you for being so self aware.

Relationships especially with kids can always be deepened and strengthened. Even when they are already adults. Never too late. Sooner the better.

Maybe you can verbalize a sentence or two linking and showing your kids that this is how you show your love for them. That everyone is different and you are a very practical person. If you are married and comfortable doing this you can enlist DH's help or grandparents' in verbalizing "mommy does x y z for you, runs such a beautiful home, etc" because she loves you so much..." not hammering it in but helping them make the connection.

Kids crave unconditional love and praise. Show them verbally that you "see" them, that you get them, and that you appreciate them for who they are. Does not have to be a lot of words.

And you do not have to be who you are not; Hashem Made you their mother just as you are. Please do not be too hard on yourself.

Maybe you can draw the connection for them that you want to help prepare them for productive lives because you love.

Hugs and Hatzlocha

amother

Cobalt

Mon, Sep 07 2020, 8:22 am

I really appreciate this thread since I’m the same. Most women are not this type and that makes me feel guilty. Hope my kids are not missing out by not having a warm mushy touchy-feely mom.

ChanieMommy

Mon, Sep 07 2020, 8:56 am

I think the best bonding takes place when children suddenly discover you are there for them in a moment of need...

When they bring home a bad grade and you don't manifest displeasure.
When they are heartbroken because their friend is mean to them and you console them.
When they come home after some failure and you hug them tight and cheer them up.