Nice Parenting Ruining Kids?

amother

Royalblue

Wed, Sep 09 2020, 12:21 pm

I recently told my teenage son that I regret that I used to hit him when he was little, and that I prefer the methods I used when he was a little older, like time-outs etc. Surprise, surprise, here's what he told me: "Time-outs were much worse! A potch you get over with quick and easy. Time-outs were so drawn-out." And my time-outs are either 5 minutes or "come out when you feel calm".
Not saying that I want to switch back. Just throwing it in here for those who think that an occasional, non-abusive potch is the most damaging form of discipline.

amother

Mauve

Wed, Sep 09 2020, 12:34 pm

amother [ Royalblue ] wrote:

People I know also said no big deal until they had to discipline their own children and found themselves suffering from trauma.
I'm not saying your son will be like this but a teenager is still young.

amother

Mint

Wed, Sep 09 2020, 12:35 pm

amother [ Royalblue ] wrote:

A lot of us who believe that potch is abuse also believe the same of time outs.
You don’t use youre relationship as a source of punishment. You don’t take away connection from a child- that remains consistent

bigsis144

Wed, Sep 09 2020, 12:35 pm

amother [ Royalblue ] wrote:

In that case, both the potch and the time-outs were punishments, and if they were seen as equal, sure, a quick swat is easier to live with and ignore.

Time outs should not be punitive either, btw. It’s not solitary confinement or “now you don’t get to have fun”-time.

Helping a kid “calm down“ is soooo much more labor intensive than merely sending them to their room to figure out a calming strategy on their own.

(How many times does “go to time out!” turn into a screaming child throwing things at the door, or a parent and child on opposite sides of the door pushing/pulling it? How many times does a parent need to carry a thrashing child back up the stairs to their room to “help them calm down” after they’ve escaped?)

kelly

Wed, Sep 09 2020, 12:43 pm

I think its insulting to call potching with a belt a chassidisha thing. Fully chasidish here and never would I ever......maybe in your mind it's a cultural excuse but its false. Please get the proper guidance and you will find beautiful tips and tools to raise your kids nicely. Mordechai weinberger parenting course is amazing.good luck op!

ChanieMommy

Wed, Sep 09 2020, 4:25 pm

#BestBubby wrote:

But I have witnessed children raised this way who are out of control and abusive.

Many mothers on this site who use this method have children who are abusive towards
parents and siblings.

If the method is working for your kids, GREAT.

Whatever method you use, you must be AWARE - IS IT WORKING?

Are the children respectful of the rights of others?

Hitting does not work.

But some people think it works, and you seem to be one of them.

Why do you think it works? because you never assess the results... you don't see this vicious cycle when it doesn't work - child misbehaving - petch - more acting out - more petch - ad infinitum...

Also, you should not underestimate how sneaky children become when they are afraid of punishment...

I have seen this in practice...

No relationship of trust whatsoever with the mother... but acting like a nice child in front of her, out of control as soon as she has her back turned...

This is especially true for the relationships between siblings: if mom petches the bigger one when the little one screams, guess what big child will do as soon as she has her back turned? Yes, you guessed it: big child will hit little child.

In the realm of siblings squabbling, hitting is particularly counterproductive. And it can really cause hatred... the bigger one who gets hit when little one screams will never develop a loving relationship to the little one...

ChanieMommy

Wed, Sep 09 2020, 4:33 pm

#BestBubby wrote:

If your method produces children who are MOSTLY respectful and co-operative - GREAT.

But I and other posters have observed children raised with gentler methods who are
out of control and abusive towards others.

I think there is no correlation: hitting produces more respectful children, neither one way, nor the other...

There are many neglectful parents out there who also hit, and their children will not be respectful...

I suppose children are respectful when you teach them respect... and you don't need to hit them to teach them respect.

also: the children you perceive as respectful in a certain setting might be competely disrespectful in situations where they think no respect is warranted - be it because the mother just has her back turned, be it because they feel some categories of persons do not deserve respect...

amother

Jetblack

Wed, Sep 09 2020, 4:57 pm

We’re really getting no where in this thread.

I’m still shaking my head about a poster stating that she got hit as a child & she’s perfectly fine.

How can that be?

As far as the OP , how could her 16 sibs be all fine, well adjusted adults with no issues whatsoever when they were raised being beaten and strapped with a belt?

I feel like I’m on another planet

amother

Mustard

Wed, Sep 09 2020, 5:06 pm

amother [ Jetblack ] wrote:

My mother comes from a family of 16 kids. They’re all “perfectly fine”. AKA in denial AKA perpetuating the cycle AKA deathly afraid of calling a spade a spade because maybe their kids will try to break the cycle

ExtraCredit

Wed, Sep 09 2020, 6:27 pm

amother [ Jetblack ] wrote:

Come to think of it, if I’d have 16 kids there’s a strong chance I’d hit em with a belt too. Or hit myself. Or my husband. Or rav.
Once again. Not judging. Just imploring you to stop the cycle.

ChanieMommy

Wed, Sep 09 2020, 6:35 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Deleted my post because it was triggering. Instead I am looking for some parenting books and resources to help me learn difference resources and techniques between authoritarian and permissive parenting. I would consider some classes but not if they are in person just over the phone.

I find it hard to find the balance between what I see as parenting without structure which is done by my peer group and our parents who were more into the corporal punishment route which is probably not the most appropriate thing for today even though it seems to have raised better behaved children. Have other people taken that journey and what did you find helped? Also did you get a lot of blacklash from your siblings or were you judged in anyway? I'm not too concerned about that since you need to do what is best for your family and your children.

Now that's much better!

Probably the best way of preventing chaos is giving children attention when they ask for it, right at the beginning, when they are still asking nicely...

Your best resource is your husband, because he is on site, he sees what is happening, you said he would never raise his voice or hit - discuss it with him! Try things out and keep what works...

You say you have well-behaved and respectful children - why do you fear they will suddenly lose respect when you stop hitting?

I suppose you are well organised, I suppose you have beautiful team spirit at home, I suppose your children have a sense of achievement for work well done - so where does the hitting come in? Why do you at all deem it necessary?

Another mom

Wed, Sep 09 2020, 8:33 pm

amother [ Floralwhite ] wrote:

I'm very Chasiddish.
Books I love:
"How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk"
and all of Sarah Chanah Radcliffs stuff. I also get her daily parenting tips (by signing up to dailyparentingposts.com/sign-up. ). She's fabulous.

Exactly!! My suggestions too!