Asking children to pay for their own living expenses

amother

Tue, Sep 15 2020, 10:26 pm

19 year old DD started her first “real” job this year (meaning not a babysitter or daycamp counselor). She’s living at home and going to college. Her job does not pay mega bucks. DH and I are paying her college tuition. Should we expect her to pay for whatever she buys? We don’t charge room and board obviously (and have no interest in doing so), I’m thinking more about clothing, toiletries, and food that she buys separate from what our family eats (ie if she goes out to eat with her friends)...
She’s our oldest, I have no idea what’s expected. I realize there is will be a variety of responses, and they are all acceptable, just want to do what is “most” commonly done in yeshivish/yeshivish lite communities. I have no recollection what I did when I lived at home (waaaay too long ago).
We are not poor but definitely don’t have any extra money (we’re taking out loans to pay for college)...
She’s a great kid and will happily contribute whatever/however we ask her to.
What makes sense in this situation?

amother

Cerulean

Tue, Sep 15 2020, 10:29 pm

It’s really uncommon to ask your child to pay for basic stuff. Rather they should save there money for when they get married. Extra stuff yes you can ask them to pay for.

My parents had no money I paid for everything I always resented it none of my friends had that . To this day I still resent that.

amother

Tue, Sep 15 2020, 10:35 pm

amother [ Cerulean ] wrote:

What’s considered “basic stuff?” I wouldn’t ask for room and board, isn’t that the basics (ie any/all food in the house or when we go out to eat as a family, use of any toiletries or items in the house...)? I guess I’m asking mainly about clothing, going out to eat with friends, entertainment, etc. Is all that considered basic stuff too?

singleagain

Tue, Sep 15 2020, 10:36 pm

As an adult living with her parents. Though, granted I'm 34. But it's only in like the last five years I've been self sufficient. Before I was recovering.

I pay for toiletries. Food. Entertainment. I just recently bought a car. My dad kindly lent me the money and I'm paying him back instead of a bank (thank God he was able to front it) but even before even I was driving the car they bought. I paid for gas.

I mostly buy my own clothes. But I know my folks will chip in for that.

I paid for my phone. Not my service. Although I've talked to my dad about that and it's more of a lazy I haven't set up the account to pay my dad automatically. And he doesn't remember to ask.

I joined a yoga studio, that's my money. So is my massage and my waxing. And my Starbucks.

My insurance is still my parents. Car that is. For many years I was on my parents health insurance. But I payed my own copays. Now my insurance is from my job so I pay it all.

But also, I don't keep strict track. If I ask my dad to pick up my medicine. He doesn't expect me to pay him back. If I'm out with my my and I want a cute pair if shoes. She'll pay. If my parents ask me to pick up one thing for shabbat I might put it on my account instead of using their card.

I don't pay room and board. But my dad does my laundry and I'm home most shabbats.

If this doesn't make so much sense that's bc it's late and I just had an emotional thing.

But I'm happy to answer questions and clear things up

amother

Cerulean

Tue, Sep 15 2020, 10:38 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Toiletries is basics, going out to eat alone with friends is not basics but with the family I believe the parents should pay. Clothing I would give her an allowance by change of weather but not make her pay for everything. Undergarments are basics. 19 is young still. Entertainment is not basics

Fave

Tue, Sep 15 2020, 10:40 pm

singleagain wrote:

You have a truly loving family!!!

amother

Babyblue

Tue, Sep 15 2020, 11:01 pm

When I was in that stage, I paid for anything I went to buy, any outing with friends, etc. My parents encouraged me to save but I would spend a small percentage for whenever I wanted to buy lunch, go to the mall or movies, get make up, birthday/ engagement gifts for friends, etc.
My parents bought my clothes and shoes as needed, if I wanted an extra scarf or whatever I'd sometimes treat myself.
It wasn't a spoken agreement, I just never asked them for money. My mom would offer to take me shopping for Yom Tov/ the season changes, etc.
The only financial discussion I remember having was regarding school, my parents agreed to do 50%-50%, with each of us fronting $1000 at a time. Once I got married and moved out, that stopped and so did my schooling.

amother

Pearl

Tue, Sep 15 2020, 11:04 pm

I don't think it's common to ask your daughter to pay for basic things. My parents were comfortable, and I don't remember what I did, but I know with my siblings they did provide them with a car to use, my mother bought them the clothing she thought they needed and they supplemented everything else on their own. If they went out with friends they paid for it. Cell phones were all on one plan, I'm not sure if my mother pays everyone's or people pay her back I don't know. Personally we pay her back every couple months.
Food, toiletries..... Those are basics and parents are pay for those. Even if she likes her and food, if she feels like she could buy it on her own, but I still feel it's a parent responsibility.
She should be saving her money for a down payment for her house down the road iyh

amother

Khaki

Tue, Sep 15 2020, 11:10 pm

amother [ Cerulean ] wrote:

Totally disagree! I think it's normal and healthy for her to pay for toiletries, clothing, and extra food or treats. I never had an ounce of resentment that I was expected to do so. My parents weren't mean about it, it was just understood.

singleagain

Tue, Sep 15 2020, 11:16 pm

amother [ Khaki ] wrote:

I think it depends on what it is. And what the rest of the house is doing.

For instance, I have my own bathroom with my shower stuff.. but if I was sharing a shower and shower stuff .. I think saying "hey I finished the shampoo can you pick some up" isn't harsh on either end.

However, if your parents always by V05 and you want Pantene. You buy the whole pantene and don't even ask them to cover the .99 cents that "they would have spent anyway"

I think a lot of it also depends on what you get now and again... How many other people live in the house. And the overall financial situation.

amother

Red

Tue, Sep 15 2020, 11:17 pm

I think a factor here is that you’re paying her college tuition. Many parents don’t do that (take out loans and then help either he monthly payments but most of my friends took over their own student loans at some point).

For me it was basically the breakdown you’re suggesting- anything at home was mine to partake in but if I went out to eat/ took a trip with friends/ bout an extra clothing item it was on me. My mom took me shopping about once a season and made sure I had a nice wardrobe but if I randomly saw something I wanted I paid.

When I needed a car they got one but I never asked them for gas money. They gave me a gps on their account. Paid my phone bill on family account but I bought my cellphone when I wanted to upgrade.

It was great life skills and I still have about 80% of my earnings saved.

amother

Ginger

Tue, Sep 15 2020, 11:18 pm

I think whatever you decide it should be a convo and discussed.
This was something that I struggled with - my parents were generous (maybe beyond their means) and $upported me. Despite that there was lack of communication so there was a layer of guilt on my part.
An example of this was when I was in seminary I had limited phone/texting mins. I knew that, but I didn’t know the actual limit -and when ever I asked my parents were like Dw we got it - I would have been better if it was ‘ you have this amount, the rest is out of you pocket.

mommyhood

Tue, Sep 15 2020, 11:24 pm

At that age I was expected to pay for ‘extras.’ Things like eating out or vacations with friends and random trips to the mall. My parents paid for some clothing but if I wanted to go to the mall for fun that was on me. It was a gradual progression that started in high school it didn’t happen overnight.

causemommysaid

Tue, Sep 15 2020, 11:29 pm

I think basics like food the family is eating, room, board, family phone plan, stuff you buy for the family, and basic clothing is normal for you to pay for.

Extra things like eating out, extra clothing, entertainment, upgraded phone, extra makeup and toiletries should be on her.

There is nothing wrong with a 19 year old chipping in for her extras.

amother

Khaki

Tue, Sep 15 2020, 11:31 pm

singleagain wrote:

True. I mean, I didn't buy my own bar of soap or laundry detergent. But anything beyond regular household staples I knew I needed to buy on my own. Certainly no car or personal phone until I got my first f/t job!

amother

Emerald

Wed, Sep 16 2020, 12:01 am

She should be able to fill her food and toiletry needs at home. If she goes out to eat or wants special toiletries it would make sense for her to pay for those things.
If you're buying clothes for other kids then buying for her makes sense but it can be capped and she can fill in the rest. But really I think you should assess the situation first. Sit her down and say now that you're making your own money, what do you think you should cover? Maybe she has plans for saving that you decide you want to help her with.

amother

Taupe

Wed, Sep 16 2020, 12:06 am

I would think basic toiletries, food, clothing, etc are paid for. Clothing and makeup-remember she may need newer nicer things if she’s “on the market”. If she wants to go skydiving or out with friends to a restaurant, that can be her own funds. Personally my parents didn’t let me pay for anything but Then told me what I could/couldn’t do. I think a healthy balance is allowing her entertainment and luxuries from her own money

amother

Magenta

Wed, Sep 16 2020, 12:35 am

the rule is -if she shops for it- she pays. if you shop for it - you pay. easy.

meaning- if she is in a store and decides to buy something- she pays for it. you pay for food soap etc you are anyway buying for the house. at 19 years old you do not give a cc for things she decides she wants.
, 19 is an adult and she needs to learn finances.