FLOP and other chossen side responsibilities

amother

Wed, Sep 16 2020, 3:05 pm

I'm asking because my daughter is engaged to a boy from a different country. From the beginning of the engagement there had been an attitude of entitlement from the other side. Baruch Hashem we are comfortable and from the outside it definitely seems like we have a lot more money than we do. Truthfully though, our financial state is much less than it was two years ago and we are scaling back on large purchases and various luxuries that used to be commonplace for us. The other side has expressed their expectations for us to pay for a brand name singer and arrange for limo service and five star hotel accommodations for the chossen and kallah among other things. I'm blown away that these traditionally chossen side responsibilities are being pushed onto us. My husband expressed to them that the singer is their responsibility. They're upset because the heard that we paid for a brand name singer for another child's wedding a number of years ago.

amother

Orange

Wed, Sep 16 2020, 3:19 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I am so sorry to hear that.

It's a good idea to set limits now, because if you do later, they will not be thankful for everything you gave up till then, but curse you for the one missing thing you are not giving them at that moment. There is no end to entitlement. Also, it's not a tojredig value to have such an attitude. My principle is: I pay, I choose... They cannot tell you to have brandname singer and ask you to pay for it... If they want their brandname singer, they should pay for it...

And I agreee with the two previous posters: No side should expect to pay less than the other, except if one side has many more guests or much higher expectations, then they should finance their own demands... which leads us to what was said before...

Elfrida

Wed, Sep 16 2020, 3:35 pm

It might not feel comfortable, but there is nothing wrong with explaining that are not now in a position to afford what you did a few years ago.

Especially if they are from a different country, they might not have any particular expectation of FLOP. They see what you have done in the past, and expect something similar. As a previous poster said, you might be better off splitting it all 50/50.

But when I think of a wedding I went to recently (before corona):

Flowers - they got artificial flowers from a gemach for the tables and for around the kallah's chair. The flowers that she carried were real.
Liquor - there were one or two bottles of wine on each table.
Orchestra - they went out of Yerushalayim so they could have music. I think there were three men in the band.
Photographer - they did spend on that, because the photos are what you have afterwards for your memories. They weren't interested in a video, but there was a good quality photographer on each side of the mechitza, and they were both taking g photos from different angles during the chuppah. They got a very good album afterwards.

And they spent on inviting about 500 guests.

So if they had done FLOP the payment would have been wildly uneven. 50/50 tends to work out a lot safer.

coloredleaves

Wed, Sep 16 2020, 11:40 pm

Always be really nice in how you talk regardless of what you do or don't agree to! I think can directly say that it seems there may some Misunderstandings about what you are reach paying for or how costs are being split and you want to explain where you are coming from and come to an agreement. You can say you realize this may be because we are each from Different countries, or perhaps just different expectations based on whatever you heard about us.

Then Explain what the situation is in a really calm way and then be quiet for a minute and then ask them what their thoughts were and are now. Then try come to an agreement.

Based on what u explained here, it sounds like what you would explain would be that in your circles the costs are typically split as FLOP and so that is what you were assuming. In your circles if one side wants something fancier than the other side, the side wants fancier usually pays for the upgraded amount. So that's why you were taken aback. If u paid for the singer for a son that fits in. If it was a daughter and the other side paid then that also matches. If it was a daughter and I actually paid for the singer u can say honestly that you were in a diff financial situation then and while u are still ok now, due to the economy u are not in a position to splurge on luxuries and would rather use money for more substantially important items. If this is true in your circles u can also even say that given the push in America for less luxuries at weddings due to corona - and the rabbanims messages about reducing costs, you feel especially like this is not the time to splurge on a high end things. Don't call it silly or dumb or a waste. Just a luxury that certainly woudl be nice but just ain't in your budget right now.

You can possibly say you know in some
Circles expenses are split 50-50 but then too, your understanding is that in such cases expenses are talked through and agreed on.

Ask their thoughts. Try to listen politely even if it sounds entitled. Don't criticize them or call them entitled. Use a euphemistic way of saying anything, like "different expectations" or "misunderstandings" or "different norms" u are used to in America and find a way to compromise. If u can't figure it out still end positively like "ok well let's all sleep on it. I'm sure we can come to an agreement after we all think it through"

Possibly they simply really just thought u did pay for all this for another daughters wedding and/ or who knows what the shadchan said about what u Would pay for. A lot of time shadchanim or people who were called about a shidduch grossly exaggerate how much money people gave or say I'm sure they will pay for this to that.... they any need a couple days to process that their expectations weren't really founded or that corona or post corona times call for diff style weddings

Odelyah

Thu, Sep 17 2020, 12:08 am

coloredleaves wrote:

wow--so much wisdom and good advice in this comment! kol hakavod!! Heart

amother

Khaki

Thu, Sep 17 2020, 12:12 am

We did 50/50, and both our parents paid for the extras they wanted. My parents wanted to get us better furniture, and renovated our rental apartment somewhat. My in laws wanted upgraded photography, a bathroom attendant, and an additional musician or singer by the chuppah. They also may have requested to upgrade the sweet table.
We did not have fancy transportation home, as it wasn't important to either side and even tho I would've appreciated it I wasn't going to ask for it. There was a lot of communication in advance about it, and bh my parents and in laws get along wonderfully.
My sister married a boy from a family that is more financially limited. Although their agreement was also 50/50, her in laws put a very tight cap on expenses and she ended up getting some less stuff than I did, which she was disappointed about. Her husband wanted an expensive band and singer, which he asked his parents to pay for as their gift to him.
I think as long as there's proper communication and understanding on both sides things can be worked out ok.