How badly are children affected in an amicable divorce?

amother

Aqua

Thu, Sep 17 2020, 4:43 am

amother [ Purple ] wrote:

Maybe your DH will be more involved, but some guys drop a lot of responsibility when given the option.
Even if they may live around the corner (as DH's father did).

Actually, from what I have seen, many dads actually become better fathers once they divorce.
This is NOT to encourage divorce!!! But, I have seen that some dads suddenly realize they need to be active parents if they don't want to lose the relationship entirely.
Dads who barely noticed the kids when they were living in the house, suddenly make a lot more effort to be involved. When they are with the kids, they are now solo, so they need to be more focused. They can't just lean back and let mom take care of the kids etc.

Yes there are deadbeat dads who just disappear, and that's a tragedy (I wonder how involved they were before). But most divorced dads I know suddenly discover a renewed interest in fatherhood.

amother

Aqua

Thu, Sep 17 2020, 4:46 am

Rappel wrote:

DH comes from a healthy divorced household. His parents lived a mile from each other all his life, they shared responsibilities, times, finances when it came to him. They are cordial to each other.

The one thing that I think was really tough for him: his mom would badmouth his dad a lot. She subtly tried to get him taken away from his dad when he was little. Today, their relationship is very strained because of it.

His dad never said a bad word about his mom, he praised her, he took on the tough stuff financially, time-wise, etc. Today, they're very close, because DH admires his dad's uprightness, and feels his unconditional love.

That's far from healthy or amicable.

The amicable divorces I know don't badmouth each other. They are civil, even friendly. Birthday parties are usually celebrated together. Some of the more civil even share Shabbat meals once in a while, or chagim. They usually live near each other and the kids have easy, free access to both homes. (Although I personally think it's best if one home is the 'main' home, and the kids aren't skuttling back and forth every three days).

amother

Slateblue

Thu, Sep 17 2020, 8:09 am

I'm close with the child of an amicable divorce, where the children kept strong relationships with both parents and saw them both almost every day. The parents divorced partly due to mental health issues (like you mentioned, but I suspect you referred to your DH's, and here it was the mother with serious mental health issues) but it was very amicable and the parents were committed to the children's well-being.

Every. Single. One. of the children has suffered into adulthood because of the divorce. Struggles to form lasting relationships, choosing the wrong person and getting abused, zxual abuse by someone in the community around the time of the divorce and lasting for years afterwards (yes because of the divorce), general trauma that even years later hasn't healed, mental health issues, sleep issues....

They are functioning adults with very heavy burdens.

Hope that helps

amother

Aqua

Thu, Sep 17 2020, 8:38 am

amother [ Slateblue ] wrote:

The question is, did these children suffer only because of the divorce, or because they had a mother with serious mental health issues?

Someone very close to me suffered very much because one of their parents had serious mental health issues. The parents stayed married, so divorce can't be blamed.

Maybe because I live in a community with lots of divorce, and I see the grown up kids of divorce, I am not so quick to blame divorce. There are lots of adults who are functioning just fine. Those who are not - there was usually dysfunction there beyond the divorce. (A seriously mentally ill parent will affect a child, divorce or not).

I do think that community matters. If you live in a community where divorce is rare and 'ruins' shidduchim, or in a community that refers to divorced families as 'broken families', then it will be harder to come out unscathed. If OTOH every class has a few kids from divorced homes and it's just another neutral fact of life, it will be easier.

watergirl

Thu, Sep 17 2020, 8:46 am

My parents had a horrific and abusive marriage and got divorced when I was 16 and my sibling was 20. We were so relieved to hear the news. They had a very amicable divorce though, and were even best friend after a few years. THAT was the weird part. We were more affected by living in the home with them while they were married. We did not learn how to fight in a healthy way, if that makes sense. When I am mad, I revert to what I grew up with, which is how my mother and father behaved. Therapy helped but its a struggle. I take on the worst of both parents. In their divorce, they were both amazing as a team and real role models for me when I divorced. Unlike them, I did not divorce because of fighting so much, it was other things (see my past posts for why).

My parents, without knowing it at the time, taught me how to be divorced and still do the right thing by my kid. For example, my parents told me when they first got divorced, I would be getting one birthday gift from the both of them just like I would had they been married. If I was sick, my dad knew because my mom called him and told him. I do these things with my own child (not with gifts but we go in on things together). If I was still married to my ex, he would know if our child had fever. So why should he not know just because he is not in the house? By contrast, my husband has gotten hospital bills for his kids and never knew what happened because his ex wife told them not to even tell him what happened. We just had to pay the bill. SCHOOLING: even though I was older, my parents discussed where I would go to school for the remainder of high school and college (since they would both be paying). So I discuss with my ex where to send out child even though he does not pay a dime for tuition. My husband is not given a say and just a month ago we got a tuition statement from a yeshiva that we had no idea his son was even going to. This happened with his daughter as well. I remember when his daughter said in tears, Mommy said not to tell you at all, she made me promise not to tell you or she said I cant go to this school".

So my sibling and I, and my child from my first marriage - yes of course we suffered in our own way due to the divorce. No one likes it when their world changes. For me as a teen, it changed for the better and the suffering ended. But I was older. There was no stigma for us because we were in a MO community and it was just not stigmatized. My child - she does not have it easy and I am not daft enough to claim that she does. But she will never EVER hear a bad word about her dad from me or anyone in my family. His parents are like my own parents to this day. There is a bit of a stigma I am sure but not as bad as it could be if we lived in another kind of community. I've been remarried over 14 years now and my husband treats the child as his own. His own kids suffer greatly. In her anger and resentment, his ex wife has created a world for the kids with one bad guy and now thats what they have - a world by her design. And she keeps getting remarried and then divorced again and with each divorce, she retaliates on my husband (her first ex). Some of the kids are already past age 20 and one has come around, one has not, one always did his own thing and never believed his dad was a bad guy BH. Another child lived his whole life being told his dad was a deadbeat dad who didn't send a dime. An older one as well believes this and the other two think everyone is lying. Even the receipts showing YEARS of on-time payments, camp receipts, dentist, etc. could not undo the brainwashing their mother did.

So you can see, there is a way to be divorced well. It is very much a team even once the papers are signed and I feel bad for those who are not able to see it. If someone in MY situation can get over what was done to me and make it work, believe me, most others can as well. But both parents have to be willing. BH my ex was.

Last edited by watergirl on Thu, Sep 17 2020, 8:53 am; edited 1 time in total