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-> Interesting Discussions
turca
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 Fri, Sep 18 2020, 7:59 am
| tweety1 wrote: | | There's a big rebbe in e"y that recently passed away who never gave his wife a get. |
Someone once told me that in chassidish dynasties, if one side wants a get, they have to pay big money for it. Is it true?
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amother
Indigo
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Fri, Sep 18 2020, 8:29 am
| turca wrote: | | Someone once told me that in chassidish dynasties, if one side wants a get, they have to pay big money for it. Is it true? |
Not true. I believe it the same with all types of jews.
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zaq
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Fri, Sep 18 2020, 9:19 am
| amother [ Lilac ] wrote: | | I know a woman who was without a get over 20 years then finally the guy died. True story. At least she has one less stress in her life. |
And she is free to marry a kohen, assuming she has any interest in remarrying.
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zaq
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Fri, Sep 18 2020, 9:33 am
| FranticFrummie wrote: | How long do you have to wait for the get, before you are considered an agunah?
Does a little over a year and a half count?
B'H I finally got mine. IYH I'll link to my post after RH. I'm in the middle of last minute cooking. |
Well, technically an agunah is a woman whose husband either disappeared or is mentally incompetent to give a get (in a coma, dementia, amnesia, insane, that sort of thing). A woman whose husband is all there but refuses to give a get is a "mesurevet get." Not much of a practical difference other than that in theory a mesurevet has a better chance of being freed since it all hinges on her husband's wishes, which could change at any time. An agunah has to hope her husband recovers his wits, reappears from wherever he disappeared to, or is proven dead (not declared "legally dead" for civil purposes, which varies by state but can usually be done after seven years).
I don't believe there is any time criterion for declaring a woman an agunah or mesurevet. I would think that a year and a half more than qualifies. After all, if the get is given without impediment, the wife is free to remarry in 90 days.
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NotInNJMommy
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Fri, Sep 18 2020, 9:44 am
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I have a friend whose second husband disappeared. She knew he'd left the state, and by the time she got a PI to find him, he'd left for EY. She did get things in place there so that he couldn't leave, but he was off the radar, had changed his appearance, etc. She also paid a PI there but to no avail. So, about 18-36 months after he left her town originally, she gets a call in the middle of the night (US time) from a BD in Tel Aviv that he'd just walked in and wanted to give her a get, but needed her to come there (money of course). So, a few days later, erev Purim, she hopped on a plane to EY. Spent a day or so in BD where he tried to extort 6 figures from her (she'd always supported them, and he took all her money and drove her into insane debt. They were only married a handful of years max and had no kids). She settled for her get for 1/10th of the insane extortion he asked for, got letters from BD to take to raise the money, and got her gett and came back to US. Not sure if she ever fully paid him, but she probably did because she's a straight person and lots of people helped raise the money. (NOTE: before you flip out, the settlement was worth it for her or she'd have had to stay in EY for months, not working, paying for accommodations, etc. while the BD did a full adjudication..and even if she had to pay him nothing, she likely would have been out much more money and lost her business back in the US) BH She's remarried now.
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zaq
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Fri, Sep 18 2020, 10:12 am
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There's a special place in Hell for men who use religion as a hook to torture and extort money and concessions out of their wives. The extortion is bad enough, but using "religion" as the tool adds an extra measure of depravity and hypocrisy. And the "religious" authorities who enable them to do so have their own seating assignment in that place.
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dancingqueen
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Fri, Sep 18 2020, 10:16 am
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I know these stories have happy endings, but they are still pretty sad honestly.
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NotInNJMommy
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Fri, Sep 18 2020, 10:24 am
| zaq wrote: | | There's a special place in Hell for men who use religion as a hook to torture and extort money and concessions out of their wives. The extortion is bad enough, but using "religion" as the tool adds an extra measure of depravity and hypocrisy. And the "religious" authorities who enable them to do so have their own seating assignment in that place. |
Yes, it's complicated. I think this BD did the best they could without dragging her through a Din Torah where she'd be stuck in EY, unable to work, etc. She could have chosen to do that, but that would have also risked that the husband would change his mind again. I think yes, there is a special "reward" for that in the hands of shemayim.
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NotInNJMommy
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Fri, Sep 18 2020, 10:25 am
| dancingqueen wrote: | | I know these stories have happy endings, but they are still pretty sad honestly. |
Yes, they are. There is a lot of galus in this world, everyone has their measure, and those in this type of galus have a very difficult row to hoe.
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amother
Brunette
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Sun, Sep 20 2020, 3:58 pm
My ex refused to give me a get . All he wanted is for me to come back to him ... because I cooked and cleaned and did his laundry ...
After 18 months I got a good asken involved and bh miraculously he gave me a get . I did have to give up on child support for my 2 children (which is not easy ) and agree that he can see them and talk to them (which I wanted to agree on cos he is their father after all )
Since the get kids havent heard from him . I tried sending people to reach out to him with no response (and obviously his family is blaming me .. )
I bh remarried not too long after to an amazing man
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amother
Dodgerblue
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Sun, Sep 20 2020, 5:35 pm
I know of a woman in my community who was an agunah for approx 20 some odd years because her ex dafka didn’t want her to have children.
I believe one day he just randomly gave her the get a few years ago.
She’s in her early 50’s and bh met someone shortly afterwards and now has two little kids.
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shaqued_almond
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Sun, Sep 20 2020, 5:39 pm
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Op here. Baruch hashem I'm happily married to an amazing guy. This question was born out of curiosity after reading an article. Shana tova!
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amother
Orchid
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Sun, Sep 20 2020, 6:20 pm
| amother [ Dodgerblue ] wrote: | I know of a woman in my community who was an agunah for approx 20 some odd years because her ex dafka didn’t want her to have children.
I believe one day he just randomly gave her the get a few years ago.
She’s in her early 50’s and bh met someone shortly afterwards and now has two little kids. |
maybe she froze her eggs 
& good for her!
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doodlesmom
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Sun, Sep 20 2020, 7:21 pm
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I know of someone who’s husband was into drugs etc and was too high most of the time to even give a get. Then one day he overdosed, and she was free, and ended up marrying a kohen.
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amother
Burgundy
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Sun, Sep 20 2020, 8:07 pm
I had a friend who divorced an abusive narcissist (he was FFB). She was an agunah for a couple of years with no end in sight. Then someone did some digging and discovered that his mother's (BT) father had married twice - first to a non Jew and then to a Jew. Apparently they always pretended she was the second wife's child, but she was potentially actually the first one's. If that was so, she wasn't Jewish, he wasn't Jewish, and my friend wouldn't even need a get. The ex DH was told that if he didn't give the get, they would start looking into this - I don't recall 100% but I think this came directly from someone in the Beis Din. I believe he gave the get within days.
That story always confused me slightly because if he truly wasn't Jewish, then why would she actually need a get. But I guess batei din don't look to make people "not Jewish". (He had a large family too, of married siblings.) But I feel like there was some truth to the idea about his mother based on how quickly he gave the get after vowing to never ever give it.
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