Why does your 4 year old lie?

Lizzie4

Mon, Sep 21 2020, 9:04 am

For small children, it's not lying, that is their reality.

My kids have a pretty active imagination and it's fun to get into their little worlds with them.

Instead of getting angry that they are untruthful, try to imagine what they are really trying to say and respond accordingly.

Rappel

Mon, Sep 21 2020, 9:15 am

It does seem like he's imagining his own reality, where we all gave him permission to do exactly what he wants. That seems more plausible than that my little rule follower suddenly breaks all boundaries.

Does anyone have good literature/articles which will tell me more about what's going on and how to deal with it?

amother

Aquamarine

Mon, Sep 21 2020, 9:20 am

ExtraCredit wrote:

You should ask why does my 4 year old lie.
Who says mine does?
Mine just has a great imagination and is really convinced he’s saying the truth!

I like that answer!
Mine too! Every time he hears a story, he puts himself there! LOL

Chayalle

Mon, Sep 21 2020, 9:57 am

Because they have tremendous imaginative powers B"AH. And sometimes, they really want a certain reality. So they lie, hoping that the lie will become their reality.

(e.g. Child really wanted chocolate and took some without permission. Child is asked did you take the chocolate. Child says no. Reality - child wants to be allowed to have the chocolate and get away with it.)

My MIL A"H once explained this to me. She was a preschool Morah for many years, and she really understood young children. She had interesting experiences over the years - like a child who came in and said that her Mommy had twins. They sang songs to her, made cards, etc...and then, at dismissal time, Mommy came for pickup as usual. The child really wanted that attention, so she got it....

And things kids told her that were totally a figment of their imagination....

What you want to do is convey the ideals of truth, while not stunting that imagination.....

Chayalle

Mon, Sep 21 2020, 10:00 am

There's a book I used to read my DD at about that age, I think it's called Eli and the Little White Lie (it's been a few years). I think it really helped her visualize the lie and how it takes shape, and appealed to her imagination. It was a great way to teach about telling the truth.

Lizzie4

Mon, Sep 21 2020, 10:13 am

Rappel wrote:

Are your rules that clear cut?

If he breaks a rule, don't ask him if he did if you know he did.

Just say, Mommy sees you did XYZ, now we have a consequence of XYZ.

keym

Mon, Sep 21 2020, 10:27 am

Also, help him learn the difference between reality and fantasy.
When he tells a story of Morah taking everyone to the amusement park and buying unlimited ice cream and pizza. Without getting hysterical, comment how that's a great story that we WISH would happen. REALLY, Morah does painting and the playground.

FranticFrummie

Mon, Sep 21 2020, 10:57 am

When does it end? Depending on the kid. Some can go way into their teens.

DD was amazing at taking a tiny kernel of truth, and embroidering it so brilliantly that you couldn't find the seams with a magnifying glass. I was constantly fact checking her. "If I call the morah, do you think that she will say the same thing? What do you think she will say?" or "Oh, that sounds interesting. Can you show me?"

Even when I found ways to talk to her without embarrassing her or making her feel defensive, she could still wiggle out of it at least half the time. She was never malicious, or a straight up "liar", it was more of a game for her. Just fun, and to see how far she could go.

Once she burst into tears in class, and told the teacher that her uncle died in the Boston Marathon bombing. She was excused, and got out of doing a dreaded math test that day.

I had a rule that she could not skip school unless she had a fever or was throwing up. Halfway to the bus stop, she texts me and says "Mama, I threw up. Can I come back home?" I told her I didn't believe her, so she sent me a picture of a mess on the sidewalk. I let her come home, and put her to bed. She even wanted me to apologize. --- A few years later she confessed that the mess on the sidewalk was someone's spilled ice cream.

Her teachers all tell me that she has a very bright future as a fiction writer!

You really need to get this book. It will help put things in perspective. https://www.amazon.com/Think-T.....44947