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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Our Challenging Children (gifted, ADHD, sensitive, defiant)
Does your 11 year old go to shul



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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Sep 21 2020, 3:53 am
My 11 year old has add. He played all rosh Hashanah with his younger brother at home. I encouraged him to go to shul but he says he hates going. Is this normal?
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amother
Bronze


 

Post Mon, Sep 21 2020, 4:15 am
My son is 12 and also ADD I did not make him go. He never goes. My older son who was OTD for a while and is now on but much more modern told me that one of the reasons that he went off was because my husband his dad made him wake up in the morning to go and he felt very resentful. We have decided to take a different approach with this child.my husband goes regularly so at least he has a good example but I don't know if I will ever force him to go.
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Elfrida




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Sep 21 2020, 4:32 am
I don't have an eleven year old, but I know that at that age I couldn't have taken a full Rosh HaShana service. We had a children's service, which included a fair amount of solid davening, but with explanations and sometimes translations, and full participation. He blew shofar for us, and one of the entertainments was timing the Tekiya Gedola, and watching how red he would go. The man who volunteered to run it was the Headmaster of a primary school (up to age eleven) and he knew how to speak to children that age. He would also tell a story - normally he made it up, and he was a wonderful storyteller. And we would finish with a kiddush.

I always credit him with teaching me to enjoy shul and davening, and it's only as an adult that I've appreciated how much he sacrificed by going out of shul to run that service for us. (Every Shabbos, not just Rosh HaShana.)

After about Bar/Bat Mitzvah we graduated to the youth service, which we ran ourselves, and was basically regular davening, but a small group and we could organize everything how we wanted, with a lot more singing and 'audience participation'. And spending about a third of our yearly budget on a kiddush.

It wasn't until seminary that I spent the full morning in a regular shul service. By then I could pick out the landmarks in the service, and my hebrew was good enough to understand most of the davening, and I was mature enough to read and appreciate the explanations in the machzor. I don't think I could have done it - or enjoyed it - at eleven.

Especially if his Hebrew is still limited, he could just feel swamped by the unfamiliar words with very little of the familiar weekly structure, and concepts that at his age he is not mature enough to fully absorb. He may do better in a minyan with lots of singing.
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amother
Hotpink


 

Post Mon, Sep 21 2020, 6:26 am
I was a pretty good kid (read: I was smart and my add was undiagnosed) and at 11 I was expected to be in shul just from the first shofar till the last one, with breaks to walk around the building pretty often in there. We had a hand signal if I would want to leave and my mother would show me in her machzor what I had to wait for before I could leave or when I had to be back by.
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amother
Seagreen


 

Post Mon, Sep 21 2020, 6:40 am
I don’t believe in forcing kids to go to shul. I was forced and have a hard time davening to this day, and I’m almost 40. If your husband goes and sets a good example and “invites” him along, that’s as far as I’d go. And btw I did not have ADHD or anything like that. I just hated being forced to daven. My son is 14 and went to shul late both days of RH. Not very late at all, but my husband woke him and left and then I woke him again a little later. He also found the first day way too long so he and my husband went to a faster minyan the second day. No ADHD there either. Throw that in and you need to be even more laid back about it. I can assure you that nothing good will come from forcing it.
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amother
Gold


 

Post Mon, Sep 21 2020, 6:43 am
Rosh hashana has long tefilot. Even some adults do not appreciate the length...
So this might not be the ideal occasion to train a child with ADD to go... It's important not to force them to do more than they could.

also, they should have contents they know and that are not too long for them...
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Sep 21 2020, 6:55 am
Tysm I just wonder will he ever go? What happens when he is bar mitzva? Just asking so I know what to expect.
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bigsis144




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Sep 21 2020, 9:21 am
My 11-in-November son didn’t daven at home, let alone go to shul.

I won’t fight over it with him, or remind him more than once. I won’t make Yiddishkeit a battleground.

I don’t know what will happen when he’s bar mitzvah, but for now, I will allow him to take the initiative in this area. I’ll take each day and month and year as it comes.
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Fabulous




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Sep 21 2020, 9:27 am
Mine was there the whole time but only davened in Shul for about 45 min- an hour. The rest of the time the boys played outside. My husband wasn't super happy and had a talk with him that he really needs to work on davening more because by next year he needs to be there the whole time because it's the year before his bar mitzvah. I don't know how that will happen but I hope he will want to.
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keym




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Sep 21 2020, 9:52 am
At 11, I request that they show up in shul for something plus shofar.
Personally, I prefer that they stay home and play, rather than play in the shul parking lot or social hall.
I've also had long conversations with each child about what can make shul-going more pleasant. Closer shul? Different seat? Machzor with pictures and stories? Shul with more singing? Less singing?
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mha3484




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Sep 21 2020, 10:30 am
My 10 year old with severe adhd LOVES shul I think the term is called hyperfocusing
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ShishKabob




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Sep 21 2020, 10:33 am
My son is 11 and was ok with going to shul Rosh Hashanah. I think it's normal for an 11 year old not to want to go to shul though. Gmar Chasimah Tovah!
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Success10




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Sep 21 2020, 10:35 am
mha3484 wrote:
My 10 year old with severe adhd LOVES shul I think the term is called hyperfocusing


ARE YOU ME??? She was such a little tzadekes, she sat and davened for HOURS! I can't daven for more than a few minutes and I don't even fault myself, I know my limitations. ADD/ADHD can manifest in different ways for all.
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amother
Beige


 

Post Mon, Sep 21 2020, 3:16 pm
For people replying, I'm pretty sure op wants to know if your child has adhd or similar and goes to shul, not just any regular kid.
Op, my son is 11 and has add and ASD went to shul but I'm pretty sure he didn't crack open a machzor and just played the whole time. I don't know what will be with shul when he reaches bar mitzvah. It's a long way down my list right now lol
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amother
Lavender


 

Post Mon, Sep 21 2020, 3:24 pm
My 14 ADHD never went to shul before his BM on shabbos. He would sleep late. Eat breakfast. Maybe he would make it to the very end of Musaf
I think even with these kids there is a certain sense of responsibility when something is optional vs mandatory

My 11 year old didn’t come to shul this year on RH and I didn’t fight it

It’s easier said than done but no point in worrying about what will be vs what’s happening now
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lilies




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Sep 21 2020, 4:05 pm
Yes, it's normal.
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Sep 21 2020, 4:57 pm
amother [ Lavender ] wrote:
My 14 ADHD never went to shul before his BM on shabbos. He would sleep late. Eat breakfast. Maybe he would make it to the very end of Musaf
I think even with these kids there is a certain sense of responsibility when something is optional vs mandatory

My 11 year old didn’t come to shul this year on RH and I didn’t fight it

It’s easier said than done but no point in worrying about what will be vs what’s happening now


Thanks -that is what I am hoping. It's just that in the past I would not make a fuss. But this year other kids in the neighborhood were like how come you don't come and he was like cuz I hate going to shul. I was sad that he said he hates going and I am curious to know if the peer pressure will make a difference once he is bar mitzva. I guess we'll have to accept whatever it is ....
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