It's so hard for me

amother

Tue, Sep 22 2020, 2:41 am

I find it much harder to parent my older kids then my younger ones. It's a real challenge to me . I feel like I have to measure my words , be gentle all the time even when they cross limits or do things I dont agree with. It puts so much pressure on me how to talk so we can connect better , understand each others better , I feel it's hard for me to put myself on their level , and in their shoes . I do try a lot to be validating just when things get out of hand and they cross boundaries or brake rules I just dont know how to confront them to better themselves. They do get offended fast. Seems like a low esteem issue , but it does come times that I have to speak up or be more firmer . It's just so hard for me. I'm not looking to upset them . I want them to learn boundaries, and average limits. But when I try to teach it to them they take it all negatively. I really dont anymore know how to continue parenting older kids . I'm young . It's just so hard .
I guess I'm just hurting and venting at the same time.

FranticFrummie

Tue, Sep 22 2020, 3:02 am

It sounds like you are on the right track, and you know what to do. You are struggling because it doesn't come naturally, and in the moment you get all up in your feelings.

It also sounds like your kids are developmentally normal, and pushing boundaries is how the grow and learn about the world around them. Think of your kids as cars. They aren't mean to just sit in the driveway for their whole lives, they need to learn how to dive safely and stay between the lines. There will be a few fender benders along the way, you just need to make sure they don't have any major accidents. They will learn eventually!

Sara Chana Radcliffe has an excellent parenting blog that deals exactly with how to use tools to gently direct your kids in the direction you want them to go - and what to do if they decide to push your buttons. I really like everything she has to say. You can sign up for free daily emails.

When my DD was young, instead of yelling, I trained myself to come closer to her and lower my voice. She knew that when I did that, she was in big trouble! I saved yelling for safety concerns, like running into traffic. That way I knew she'd never tune me out.

Forcing myself to get even calmer in the face of chutzpah definitely does not come naturally! It takes hard work and consistency, but eventually it does become a reflex. Your kids will learn that when you lower your voice and get "super calm", that they had better listen up. It takes time to teach them that, as well.

If you are struggling with pre-teens, HUGS!!! Remember that their half developed brains are being flooded with all kinds of new hormones, and they just can't get to themselves most of the time. They are not being bad on purpose, as much as they don't have the ability to emotionally regulate or make good judgement most of the time.

I clearly remember one time, saying to her "What is WRONG with you?!", and then "Oh yeah, puberty." LOL

I was on a Skype call with my 17 yo DD last night. She was telling me about visiting a cousin who was 12. She said that the girl was a hot mess and really obnoxious to be around. Then she said "I know I was really hard on you, and I just want to say that I'm really, REALLY sorry for putting you through all of that!"

I told her that it wasn't her fault, it was just part of her brain development. I also reminded her that when she was going into that age I told her "I wouldn't be that age again for all the money in the world" and she totally agreed with me.

Hang in there, it gets better. Hug

ora_43

Tue, Sep 22 2020, 12:43 pm

How old is 'older'?

If you're talking preteens or young teens, I second what FF said - hormones. Remember that sometimes, everything is going to upset kids that age. Like, even perfectly lovely, well-behaved 12-year-old girls will sometimes be sent into floods of tears by an untied shoelace.

I don't have all the solutions to parenting teens, not even close, but things that help me:

- designated 'good times' to counterbalance the rest.

There's just no way to completely avoid situations where you have to say something that's going to upset your kid. So it's good to have little rituals that are kind of built-in good times - even though, of course, you can't guarantee that nobody will be crabby that day... But if you go for a weekly evening walk with your kid where you chat and catch up, and listen to a podcast together a different night, and do the shopping together on Fridays, then when you inevitably irritate her by saying something horrible like "please move your dirty laundry off the stairs" or "you need to do your homework now," the ensuing fight won't feel like such a big deal.

And make sure you tell them how great they are and how much you love them. A lot. Even when they roll their eyes about it. Find specific things to praise them for.

- humor

If they aren't too angry, sometimes you can reduce tension by joking about the situation. "Ugh, you're the worst!" "Can I get that in writing? I'm hoping to officially win the Worst Mom Award this year, and I need another few votes." (only if they aren't too mad, though, because if they are genuinely upset this will just make it worse)

- Make sure the rules and responsibilities are clear in advance. Nothing irritates kids (or, let's face it, plenty of adults) like being criticized for something they didn't even realize they weren't supposed to be doing. Plus, this helps them feel respected/independent - like you're just two grownup, independent people who are both doing their share of the work that you both agreed to, instead of, you're the manager who gives them new assignments each day.

It also helps to give reasons for the rules. Again, to help them feel like you see them as mature and responsible.

Punishments should also be clear in advance. (This is for you, too - it's better to choose a punishment for, say, being rude to a teacher, when you're calm and collected, and not 5 seconds after finishing an embarrassing phone call with an angry teacher.)

- Remember that plenty of great adults were awful teenagers. Most of them grow out of it just fine.