Baby Name Blues | Imamother

amother

Tue, Sep 22 2020, 10:32 am

I'm iyh expecting my third boy, and we're planning on naming after both of DH's grandfathers, with his mother's father's name first. Neither DH nor I like the first name, but DH wants to give this name because he thinks it will make his mother happy, and because he hasn't had an opportunity to name a boy after his side, and because of the way it would look to his family if he didn't give this name. All these reasons, to me, sound external... but ok. He wants to give this name, so we'll do it.

The problem is, I really don't like the name, and we can't settle on a nickname that we both like. When I suggested calling the baby by his middle name (paternal grandfather- much nicer name), DH told me that it will be like a slap in the face to his mother if we did that. My MIL is very into ppl naming after her father (there are already several nephews with this name), and apparently this would hurt her feelings, as would switching the names around to have the paternal grandfather's name first. I'm not really so particular about boy names in general, but this is getting me kind of depressed. We're basically planning on giving a name that neither of us like in order to make my MIL happy. I feel like this is really not normal and idk what to do.

Ruchel

Tue, Sep 22 2020, 11:00 am

When she's around make an effort. If she's not around, nickname. You can add a name, yes, and this is what you call him when she's not around. This is not normal to have to always use a name yu dislike esp when others carry the name

amother

Firebrick

Tue, Sep 22 2020, 11:07 am

Is your husband scared of his mother?
The rule is: your kid, your name. The second rule is: you can’t CANNOT absolutely shouldn’t live your live to please other people because you will end up being resentful, AND some people just like to be offended anyway. Just. Stop. Yesterday.
From personal experience, I was also mentally tortured into giving my second oldest kid a name I didn’t like. I thought I would get used to it, because duh why wouldn’t I. Fun fact, I’m still not ok with it. I regret giving him the name. I can’t even call him the name, only stupid, unrelated nicknames.
Please please please name your child a name that you love, a name that makes Y.O.U. happy.

amother

Green

Tue, Sep 22 2020, 11:07 am

I so agree with you. It's so not fair to have obligations what to name your child!! I'm almost due and I already decided what I'm naming but I know I will get plenty of comments for not giving the name I am expected to be naming... at least my husband and me are in agreement but I am not interested in hearing everyone else's comments...

amother

Tan

Tue, Sep 22 2020, 11:14 am

It sounds like you have already settled on giving the name. Nicknames can be all sorts, including initials and based on a sound in the name.

Important: I know you and dh don't like the name. But is it a name that is in general considered fairly normal where you are?

ChanieMommy

Tue, Sep 22 2020, 11:41 am

I don't know... I wouldn't give my baby a name I don't like... I would try to find a name both my husband and I like...
But I also would not give my son the exact same name as his cousins...

Ruchel

Tue, Sep 22 2020, 11:46 am

I do love same name as cousins

amother

Tue, Sep 22 2020, 11:47 am

amother [ Tan ] wrote:

It's fairly normal. Not very common, and not very attractive. But he won't be ostracized because of it. My difficulty right now is that I want to call him by the middle name or a derivative of the middle name, and my husband thinks it will defeat the purpose of naming him the first name.

essie14

Tue, Sep 22 2020, 11:54 am

My policy: when you carry a baby inside of your body and then get your insides ripped out delivering that baby, then you get to choose that child's name.
Thankfully my mother is the one who taught me that and she gives me zero pressure about naming children.

Ruchel

Tue, Sep 22 2020, 11:56 am

Nicknames do NOT defeat naming
Everyone in the shtetl went by a nickname

amother

Tue, Sep 22 2020, 11:56 am

essie14 wrote:

Love that and totally agree. We've done that until now and gotten some grief for it, hence thi situation.

silverlining3

Tue, Sep 22 2020, 12:13 pm

Delete

Last edited by silverlining3 on Mon, Sep 28 2020, 9:36 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Coffee

Tue, Sep 22 2020, 12:32 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

If using the second name will defeat the purpose of giving the first name, what is the point of giving the second name if you’ll call by the first? Does your husband want to use this name for himself or for his mother?

Figuring out names can be really stressful, especially when grandparents have expectations. I hope you find a solution that is meaningful to both of you!

imorethanamother

Tue, Sep 22 2020, 1:19 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

The problem is, I really don't like the name, and we can't settle on a nickname that we both like. When I suggested calling the baby by his middle name (paternal grandfather- much nicer name), DH told me that it will be like a slap in the face to his mother if we did that. My MIL is very into ppl naming after her father (there are already several nephews with this name), and apparently this would hurt her feelings, as would switching the names around to have the paternal grandfather's name first. I'm not really so particular about boy names in general, but this is getting me kind of depressed. We're basically planning on giving a name that neither of us like in order to make my MIL happy. I feel like this is really not normal and idk what to do.

I don’t get it. Your MIL already has her fathers name with several of her grandchildren. Why do you have to do it too? It’s not like she doesn’t have the name?

The paternal grandfather - is there anyone named after HIM? If not, just call him that name, and explain to your MIL that you wanted to give a name no one has had so far.

amother

Purple

Tue, Sep 22 2020, 1:58 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I'd like to address your last line.

It has always been VERY normal to give a name to make an in-law happy. VERY normal and commonplace. It is only now, in this generation of increased chutzpah, selfishness, and entitlement that people have begun to feel that they can choose their own names because they don't "like" a family name.

Ashkenazim have a long-standing tradition to name after the deceased, especially close relatives. In fact, it is a part of the mitzvah of Kibbud Av V'eim to choose a name to honor your parents' relatives. It will make them happy, and that is honoring them.

So, if the only reason to name your child this name is to make MIL happy, that is enough by itself to name your son this name.

Next...I'm sure you've heard this before, but names grow on you. When YOUR son has that name, it's not like your other nephews' names. It's much more special, because it's your son. When you call his name a few times a day, or talk about him, etc, it grows on you. Give yourself a chance to get to like it, don't just say that you don't.

Third. If you really want to use the middle name, do it. Or don't, and see what nickname fits organically. Once you give MIL's father's name in first position, you have done your obligatory filial duty. If she gets mad that you call him something else, THAT'S ON HER. Giving the name is on you, but you have the choice to call him whatever you like. If she get's mad, she'll either outgrow it (hopefully) or do like my MIL does, and tease you that "A daughter-in-law is not a daughter." (100% true). And if she stays mad forever...she's really immature.

Good luck.