How in the world do divorced women survive financially?

amother

Mon, Sep 21 2020, 10:00 am

Well my understanding based on research is it’s costly and difficult to go after an ex not paying. It has to be worth the legal costs. So the order for child support is only good if he willingly pays it. And if there are no assets and he hides money then good luck. Many men work in a way that there money can’t be traced. I am not divorced but have been on the brink and this is what my research ( even from a lawyer) has told me.

amother

Pearl

Mon, Sep 21 2020, 10:15 am

Why are people bringing up alimony?? Most women don’t get alimony.
If a father doesn’t pay court ordered child support there are severe consequences. His drivers license can be suspended, passport taken away, if he files taxes and is supposed to get a refund it goes straight to child support ...plus more.

amother

Coral

Tue, Sep 22 2020, 2:23 am

Without reading all the comments, as the child of divorced parents
You need to:
A) find a job that is family/school schedule friendly, because you don't have dad to fall back on on vacations, sick days, etc., and your kids need more structure and mommy than other kids and not to be farmed out and dumped at people who are doing you a favor (something work at home or teaching- babysitting)
B)Sure you can say no to kids, it is even important, but make sure to say no about the right things, baceause fitting in with their friends is very important

amother

Emerald

Thu, Sep 24 2020, 9:56 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Please any and all feedback appreciated.
If you don't have much training or cannot work in your field of training or in general cannot keep up with the demands of raising a bunch of kids and working, how do you manage?
Any ideas for fields that are worth training in? That are more adaptable to work from home?
If you had a good job and feel able to work then probably not in same category as me.
Interested to know if there are differences women felt in US vs. Israel in terms of how they were able to navigate/find employment and in general stay afloat?
Think in terms of mainstream yeshivash circles and all the expectations that comes with . And the suggestion of needing to say NO more to children isn't so helpful when certain things have become the overwheliming norm in our communities.
Please help!!

What infuriates me is that for the SAME job men get paid more.
Think Rebbi vs. Morah.

amother

Sienna

Thu, Sep 24 2020, 10:18 am

amother [ Emerald ] wrote:

What infuriates me is that for the SAME job men get paid more.
Think Rebbi vs. Morah.

This is false. Hour for hour most don’t get more. My sons rebbeim teach from 830 to 3 and work sundays and fridays there’s no midwinter or legal holidays off The girls teachers teach from nine to twelve or twelve to three forty five don’t work all Friday’s and no Sunday’s and have many days off for midwinter legal holidays etc. one is an intense full time job the other is part time.

amother

Pumpkin

Thu, Sep 24 2020, 10:22 am

amother [ Sienna ] wrote:

I know of some schools it's accepted that standing, full time rebbes can get some property tax codification award...forgot what it's called...in NYS. But this is not done for full time morahs, etc.

That is worth a lot of $$$ too.

amother

Sienna

Thu, Sep 24 2020, 10:29 am

amother [ Pumpkin ] wrote:

No idea what your referring to. I used to teach and have since found way more lucrative work. I’m tired of hearing this kind of thing about the poor oppressed morals. I loved teaching. Constant off times. Work hours are short. Amazing atmospehere and enjoyable work. The hours and demands of the job are incomparable to what rebbeim put in.

amother

Pumpkin

Thu, Sep 24 2020, 10:31 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Are there any divorced women that just aren't able to work at a regular job and run their house properly? Is there any way to reduce expenses so that don't have to push self beyond what you feel you can manage and still function normally?

I've always worked full time in the velt and no, I never feel like I run my home "properly" according to many others' standards.

We have clean laundry, don't live in filth, and at least sit down to eat together on Shabbos--but I take a lot of shortcuts and have really lowered my bar on cleaning, clothes shopping ,etc. For example, as my older kids hit their teens, they really made it clear they don't want to wear dress shoes on Shabbos, so I don't even bother shopping for those anymore. My son made it pretty clear he doesn't like suits either and isn't going to wear them, so I don't bother shopping for those anymore either. BH I live OOT so some pressures are less intense.

Also, sometimes Shabbos lunch is bagels, lox, and cc and a salad. I'm big on salads because I don't have to cook more...but sometimes it's cut up veggies because I just can't be bothered checking lettuce for bugs.

And my home is more cluttered than I'd like and sometimes my kids' rooms are a mess and I just have to close the door.

Also, we don't really "go on vacation"...Occasionally a day trip or going away to friends' for YT (not in recent years, especially this year). This year was the first year we ever went on a family vacation--which was renting an airbnb 90 min away with lots of land and a game room and a big kitchen I could work with for kosher and just being. Our big achievement was that I made them camp fires for the first time and we roasted hotdogs and marshmallows.

But, we are happy.

amother

Sienna

Thu, Sep 24 2020, 10:32 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Unfortunately there’s no way to get around the fact that life is expensive and life for a ingle working mother is extremely difficult. Sad

The only way to know if reducing expenses is possible is to know your current expenses. Example Maybe if you live in a house you could downsize.

amother

Mon, Oct 19 2020, 1:44 pm

Does anyone have a specific success story for themselves or someone you know that worked to make themselves financially independent (either while they were married in anticipation of a divorce or afterwards). Could you share details about what this person did, how they found the time to train or get an education for new position, etc.
Would be very helpful.

amother

Burgundy

Wed, Dec 02 2020, 10:12 pm

I was offered a job. My then dh was disabled from surgery and we needed money. So I took the job. A few months later I told him to leave. (due to addiction and cheating). Where I live is not a high income location. The schools worked with me on tuition. I found a babysitter for my youngest. My job is not very high paying, but somehow I was able to keep up the mortgage (BH not overly expensive), pay off the home equity loan I hadn't known about previously, and keep us fed and clothed.

Somehow, I was better off financially after my divorce than we had ever been while married. xdh didn't know how to handle $$ and didn't work full time.

I even managed to make 2 weddings without any $$ from his side. Though I did get a small gemach loan for 1 of the weddings which I was able to pay back as requested.

I have to say it maked no sense. I worked hard, but I still can't figure out how I managed to pay it all. HASHEM took care of me. At one point I couldn't get homeowners insurance unless I painted the outside of the house. When I did it I was able to pay for it.

I am remarried now. My dh lived in another state a flight away. I flew to see him a number of times-and was able to pay for it myself. Total siyata dishmaya.

When things got hard-mentally or financially-I turned to HASHEM and asked for help. HE always came thru. And still does.

By the way, I do get very minimal child support.

amother

Chartreuse

Wed, Dec 02 2020, 10:23 pm

There’s a huge spectrum of divorced women.
The majority get some kind of child support.
Many also get tuition (or some of it) paid for by the father. Same with camp. And other expenses related to the child(ren). One divorced friend gets the entire tuition bill paid for by the father. Nice, isn’t it. I happen to not get anything but I’m in the minority. Nada, nothing and I have my kids full time. I rely on family to help me when my pay check doesn’t cover my bills and tuition. Almost all my divorced friends get child support. And some of them do very well because of it.

amother

Dodgerblue

Wed, Dec 02 2020, 10:25 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

What about with seminaries, college/higher degrees, chasunas? What if someone has a spouse that does not contribute and especially if they are from yeshivash circles where I find the expectations are very specific and narrow. how does anyone manage? I am honestly feeling major despair over this.

Xh doesn't contribute even one cent. Chassidish here and many don't go to seminary. My daughters all knew from a young age that they will not be going to seminary because xh was very stingy. That ended up giving them an extra year to earn money.

My daughters all worked and piled up enough money to pay for their weddings. Two of them took a degree. They used their own money and worked while taking the degree. Others bH earned nicely on other jobs that don't require a degree. Totally yad Hashem. I repeat, totally yad Hashem. Some we're lucky and their in-laws paid for their wedding bH.