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How would you feel if someone didn’t tell you they were a BT
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tante_feige




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Sep 25 2020, 11:44 am
I don't hide it, but it's certainly nobody else's business, and I don't "owe" anyone the information.

Everyone assumes that I went to a middle of the road BY, so this pretty much never comes up.
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amother
Ginger


 

Post Fri, Sep 25 2020, 11:48 am
amother [ Gold ] wrote:
There are groups of sephardim who won’t even give a ger an aliyah.

I know the group you are thinking of, but that's a whole different story. Most groups of sepharadim are not like that BH.
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amother
Gold


 

Post Fri, Sep 25 2020, 1:22 pm
amother [ Ginger ] wrote:
I know the group you are thinking of, but that's a whole different story. Most groups of sepharadim are not like that BH.


Yes you’re right but I don’t think culturally it would be easy for an ashkenazi BT or a ger to just join a Persian or Bukharian community . I don’t think they’d be so accepted not for religious reasons but for cultural. They obviously are very accepting of baalei teshuva from their community. I know a man who was a Persian Christian and was megayer and he is now ashkenazi... he has a typical Persian last name, speaks Farsi , looks very Persian... but he’s Ashkenaz Smile
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amother
Chocolate


 

Post Fri, Sep 25 2020, 1:24 pm
Like everything else no one "owes" me or anyone else their personal info. So to answer your question I would not feel anything.

Though yes regarding shidduchim one must disclose everything and anything.
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avrahamama




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Sep 25 2020, 1:42 pm
amother [ Gold ] wrote:
Yes you’re right but I don’t think culturally it would be easy for an ashkenazi BT or a ger to just join a Persian or Bukharian community . I don’t think they’d be so accepted not for religious reasons but for cultural. They obviously are very accepting of baalei teshuva from their community. I know a man who was a Persian Christian and was megayer and he is now ashkenazi... he has a typical Persian last name, speaks Farsi , looks very Persian... but he’s Ashkenaz Smile


And I know otherwise.
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zaq




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Sep 25 2020, 1:47 pm
amother [ Gold ] wrote:
Yes you’re right but I don’t think culturally it would be easy for an ashkenazi BT or a ger to just join a Persian or Bukharian community . I don’t think they’d be so accepted not for religious reasons but for cultural. They obviously are very accepting of baalei teshuva from their community. I know a man who was a Persian Christian and was megayer and he is now ashkenazi... he has a typical Persian last name, speaks Farsi , looks very Persian... but he’s Ashkenaz Smile


So what? It's not easy for an Ashkenazi FFB to 'just join' a non-Ashkenazi community, either.
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gold21




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Sep 25 2020, 2:22 pm
amother [ Gold ] wrote:
Can you or anyone else please explain this a little moRe?
I sort of feel like some people think Gerim are put here to inspire FFBs (particularly ones who are jaded or bored or wandering ), and tell them how lucky they are to be born Jewish etc. I once had a madricha of a kiruv trip pull me over without warning and ask me to say something to her group. You want a dvar Torah on the parsha? I could probably do that... you want me to tell you my personal life story that was extremely emotional and difficult to a random group of teenagers with no warning ... no thanks. It was one thing when I was 19 and just starting out but now that I’m married and have kids in school and live in a big community ... I don’t really want to be interesting (my hobbies are interesting, my jokes are interesting , I like to think I have a good personality and get along with all types etc... but I don’t want my PERSON to be interesting , solely because of where I come from and the fact that my mother isn’t Jewish.’I just want to be your friend).

And that goes along with something else. My friends have never probed. Amongst those who do probe I often want to ask “I’m glad you find me so inspirational, but if it were nogeyah, would you you be okay with your child marrying mine ?” Usually I think not .

Not meaning to pick on you, I just see this sentiment a lot.

Lhavdil... it reminds me of a teenager I recently heard lament that her bubby won’t talk about the Holocaust. She wants to know what happened. I told her, I get why you want to know. But she doesn’t have to reveal private pain for other people’s inspiration . You know she went through terror, you see her amazing today, that’s enough. Its her story to share or to not share.


I guess I don't see a BT as that interesting because we're all BT in some way or another. We're all a work in progress and we've all improved on past mistakes. I hope. Maybe if I was a flawless specimen of a jewish woman, I would be more fascinated by BT's.

As for giyores, I guess I find that idea more interesting because I'm not a giyores in any way at all and it's just different to me. I don't look to geirim for inspiration. Humans are humans. It's just interesting and different, the same way you might find living near a satmar chossid interesting and different.
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amother
Gold


 

Post Fri, Sep 25 2020, 2:43 pm
avrahamama wrote:
And I know otherwise.


Well, you know your personal experiences and I know mine. Unfortunately there’s no real data or evidence on this .
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amother
Gold


 

Post Fri, Sep 25 2020, 2:48 pm
zaq wrote:
So what? It's not easy for an Ashkenazi FFB to 'just join' a non-Ashkenazi community, either.


Sorry I misread.
Yes you’re right. I was responding to PP who said Sephardim may be more welcome to newcomers.

Ancedotedly, of the dozens of gerim I’ve met, including numerous African Americans, Caribbean Americans (black), Indians , Hispanics , Asians , etc., not a single one chose to be Sephardi . I’m sure there are Sephardi gerim but I do believe the culture in Sephardi communities is very strong (generally a great thing ) and hard for anyone to just join.
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BH Yom Yom




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Sep 25 2020, 3:55 pm
People take journeys in life. I like hearing people’s stories of their journeys, whether it’s growing up in unusual circumstances, struggles with mental illness, becoming a BT or being megayer, transforming a relationship, overcoming trauma, etc.

That said, I would never ask, unless the relationship with such that it would be appropriate. A person’s journey is his or her private business.
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Ruchel




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Sep 26 2020, 11:55 am
Yes there are many people who become Sefardi or Mizrachi. But also many such communities were an outside even ffb is weird, or a ger is "a ger" even though he is much more observant than them.
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amother
Coffee


 

Post Sat, Sep 26 2020, 12:58 pm
I'm 36 and found out this year that my mother is a BT!!
She wasn't hiding it, it just never came up!
I knew she went to MO schools for elementary and high school and became more right wing after high school but I had no idea, until she casually mentioned it, that that her family wasn't shomer shabbos until she was in upper elementary school.
I was shocked but honestly it made no difference to my life. My parents raised us right wing/yeshivish and we're all married B"H.
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ora_43




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Sep 26 2020, 1:54 pm
There's keeping it private, and then there's hiding it.

Heck, you don't even have to keep it private on purpose. I've known plenty of people for years without knowing their family background. Even with friends, a lot of times it just doesn't naturally come up in conversation that, say, they're morrocan, or their dad is frum but their mom isn't, or they used to be OTD... whatever.

None of that is weird.

Also not weird if someone deliberately doesn't mention it.

If somebody actively hides it (eg jumping through hoops to avoid having their non-frum parents meet their friends), or flat-out lies, that's a bit weird, though. I wouldn't hate them for it or anything, but I would think that they're bizarrely self-conscious. (and if they hid it from me, specifically, while telling other people, it might make me question whether we were as close as I thought we were)
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ora_43




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Sep 26 2020, 2:06 pm
amother [ Gold ] wrote:
I don’t see how you can be close to someone for years and them not know you’re a BT. Unless you only discuss recipes and where to find Lil legs on sale Smile

I dunno, thinking about this thread I'm realizing just how many people I know could be BTs without me realizing it.

You can talk pretty much anything aside from whether your parents keep Shabbat and where you went to high school What . You can even talk about your relationship with your parents, or about high school English class, or your hometown, as long as you don't say "and then after that conversation, we drove to the mall on Shabbat."
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