So down after Yom Kippur

amother

Mon, Sep 28 2020, 10:50 pm

I'm feeling really depressed.

I feel like I had such a bad yom kippur. Not spiritually uplifting in any way.
Ppl can darshan from today until tomorrow abt a woman's place being at home... But

I like to be in shul. I feel accomplished that way. I feel close to Hashem that way. Maybe it's false spirituality, but it makes me feel good.

I wasn't able to go to shul as much as I wanted because of my kids. (Made it for yizkor)

I really wanted to be there for neilah. Wanted to say the yud gimmel middos. Wanted to scream with a tzibbur.
Instead, I just dealt with my two youngest at home. And instead of chapping arein at least tehillim when they were quiet, (couldn't try shmoneh esrei)... I squandered the moments and read a book Sad

at least I said avinu malkeinu and kabbalas ol malchus shamayim, with almost no kavana Sad

Feel like I'm off to a bad year.

Coronavirus is just getting worse and worse.
Dont feel cleansed by YK.

I've been in a nasty mood the past few hours

Chizuk?

amother

Yellow

Mon, Sep 28 2020, 10:52 pm

I totally get you. it's hard.
I'm pregnant w my first baby and this was my first YK at home ever. BH it went well and I feel fine but I feel so...unfulfilled. like I missed YK.
intellectually sure I know I was where I was supposed to be and hopefully got a kapparah just for that... but I feel like instead of YK being an uplifting experience like I'm used to it was just... a hurdle to get through before Sukkos.

avrahamama

Mon, Sep 28 2020, 10:57 pm

I attempted shmoneh esrei ... It was an interesting site.

I started just singing my own tefillot. There was one line in the tefilla today that got me good... It was the line where we ask H to have mercy on us for the sake of the nursing baby. I'm currently nursing a very voracious1 yr old nursling. And while all the words I read today were a jumble of trying to be yotze this one line felt like my whole days tefilla. The next line is to have mercy on us for the sake of the newly weaned child.

I remember since covid-19 started. I'd beg H to keep me healthy for the sake of my small children and for the sake of my nursling.

BZH you should go through sukkot and feel the simcha and love surround you. You have so many moments you can still grab. You're a new briah!

May you have a physically, spiritually, financially, emotionally healthy year! For the sake of the children you gave yourself to today.

amother

Khaki

Mon, Sep 28 2020, 10:59 pm

What should I say ?! I wasn't allowed to fast and it felt very aweful. Whatever happens or comes down is from hashem. I know that I'm how and at where hashem wants . Looking forward for next year to do it all the way. And btw u can talk to hashem in your own language and from your house . Hashem always listens .

amother

Mon, Sep 28 2020, 11:02 pm

Thank you everyone.

But I wasn't able to daven my own words. I'm feeling dead inside. Spiritually dead.

If you saw me, you'd think I'm a very frum normal lady, but I'm feeling spiritually dead inside. Sad

On a lighter note, I kept thinking ppl were having lots of kavana with malei asameinu sova, because of all the school food we got because of corona. Our freezers are definitely full, bh!!

imasinger

Mon, Sep 28 2020, 11:10 pm

Will a little perspective help?

I remember those years well, staying home, and feeling like I had missed out on my favorite yom tov.

But even though I missed the spiritual connection, I believed Hashem saw my being with young kids as my contribution to a good year. And those years passed.

Now, my youngest is 14. We spent the day (or at least most of it) in the tent our shul had. Lots of things were different this year, and I didn't have my usual emotional and spiritual high for a variety of reasons.

But because I was a young mother once, I have evidence that be"H, that there will come a time when Yom Kippur will be that special again.

Hashem has sent nisyonos to all of us. In trying to meet them, we are more likely to feel like a "failure" than when we're in a more familiar routine.

But that's a false perspective.

New situations offer new growth, and that will come with feelings of failure along the learning curve. But it's just part of the process.

May you have a wonderful year!

amother

Tangerine

Mon, Sep 28 2020, 11:14 pm

I very badly want to go to shul Yom Kippur and I used to feel bad about not being able to go. This erev Yom Kippur I heard a very inspiring shuir that a women has a chiyuv to be home taking care of hashem's children and that is more important than any davening. Daving in our own words straight from the heart is very powerful. I went into Yom Kippur happily knowing that I'm doing what hashem wants from me at the moment.

silverlining3

Mon, Sep 28 2020, 11:25 pm

Even I didn't get much to daven or say tehillim and also not feeling my best-was a lot in bed, when I put my kids to bed at around 7, I sat down and read through neila in translation. Was much more meaningful than praying while trying to also read the meaning of the words. I did shed some tears.

My husband had told me before Yom Kippur, the mani mitzvah is to fast.

I haven't been to shul in years and most likely won't for the next few years. Bh for good reasons-kids

Last edited by silverlining3 on Mon, Sep 28 2020, 11:26 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Orange

Mon, Sep 28 2020, 11:26 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

On a lighter note, I kept thinking ppl were having lots of kavana with malei asameinu sova, because of all the school food we got because of corona. Our freezers are definitely full, bh!!

Same here. And that is why I have not been in shul in a few years and on YK I listened to a local out door minyan and that was that. I played with my children and that was that.

If you dont feel like you can talk to hashem, its also ok.