How should I of handled this?

amother

Thu, Oct 01 2020, 12:59 pm

I have an adult son who has some social issues. Doesn’t get some ques.

He does his own laundry. He told me he gets annoyed when he wants to do laundry and the washer is full. I have this habit of starting the wash filling it half and turn it off until I have more laundry to fill it.
He gets mad when that happens. He wants the washing machine to be empty so when he wants it it will be free. We came to an agreement that it will be empty if I can’t do it right away.
Yesterday I started the wash and my husband asked me to do something for him.so I left the wash.
My son got so mad that I broke the agreement. He went on and on.
I said fine I will take the dirty towels out of the wash so he could do his.
He never did the wash in the end.
How should I have handled the situation?

ShishKabob

Thu, Oct 01 2020, 1:02 pm

You should have told him that you got sidetracked. It was a mistake. If he is super rigid, he probably never gets sidetracked and he can't understand it. Hugs op, you did nothing wrong. I would've told him that he can't speak this way to his mother and you will try to remember for next time, and he should remember next time this happens that it's an honest mistake as well and not go on and on.
Hugs and hatzlocha!

NotInNJMommy

Thu, Oct 01 2020, 1:13 pm

Can you set aside 1-2 set times a week for your son to have priority for washing during those times? Work together with him to come up with what are mutually agreeable times for you both?

Also, if he does find your stuff in there (for whatever reason) during that time can he just run drain/spin (if needed) and place that laundry in an agreed place (laundry basket)?

amother

Aquamarine

Thu, Oct 01 2020, 2:08 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I'm truly confused. You put laundry in the machine, then your husband asked you to do something else, so instead of allowing the machine to run, you stopped it, so that it wasn't washing clothes, and wasn't available to others, either. Why didn't you just allow the machine to run through its cycle while you were doing something else?

I honestly do sympathize with your son. He's not complaining that the machine is in use when he wants to do laundry. He's complaining that although its not in use, its not available. How would you feel if he regularly did the same thing?

You should have apologized to him for breaking your promise not to leave the machine half filled and not running, explained that it was inadvertent, and offered to do a load for him.

Buy a bucket to presoak.

Chayalle

Thu, Oct 01 2020, 2:25 pm

Your son needs to learn that he doesn't get to get mad at his mother. Period.

Does this happen in other areas? Does he think that he gets to be upset at people who do alot for him, but don't quite meet his expectations or needs? If so it could be an issue in the future, and needs to be addressed.

He can ask you - Ma, when do you think the washing machine will be available? Or something like that.

(My adult DD does her own laundry - her choice. Before she does a load, she checks with me if the machine is free. Basic courtesy.)

imasinger

Thu, Oct 01 2020, 2:53 pm

NotInNJMommy wrote:

Great ideas! Having a regular time for him will provide reassurance, both for him, and for you in that if he misses his window, he has to wait until the next time it's his slot.

Responds to his needs, and helps teach flexibility.

The other piece is possibly to have regular conversations about mistakes, apologies, and moving on.

Talk about it, model it, and remind him that's the expected way things are handled.

Make sure to cover:
- everyone makes mistakes
- when we make mistakes, we need to fix them
- fixing them means offering an apology that shows you understand the wronged person's perspective
- it then means working together to decide if this was an occasional problem, or a frequent one, and finding a non blaming way to solve anything that causes stress
- when these steps are done, it's expected that the other person will graciously move on.

It's a skill we all need to focus on from time to time.

amother

Mustard

Thu, Oct 01 2020, 2:54 pm

Chayalle wrote:

I strongly suspect that her son has Autism.

NotInNJMommy

Thu, Oct 01 2020, 3:09 pm

amother [ Mustard ] wrote:

I strongly suspect that her son has Autism.

My 15 yr old son is also on the spectrum. I find he responds better to calm, firm correction/suggestion.

Just last night, he raised his voice to me (I think he felt I was nagging him about something)..."STOP!" or something like that, but with plenty of 'tude.

I calmly stopped (was on my way to something else and just had neutrally reminded him about something in about 3 words), turned, and told him that he needs 1) to stop and do something different.

2) Disagreeing with me is 100% ok (and I walk the talk on this), and he needs to find a respectful way and respectful volume to present his perspective.

Then, I turned and continued where I was going to do whatever I was going to do.

I find these moments do yield results, and I view that this is what I need to do to help him learn things that aren't easy for him. I also find that he makes reasonable points, and I do reconsider my position on some things sometimes as a result and we come to a solution.

amother

Thu, Oct 01 2020, 3:13 pm

amother [ Aquamarine ] wrote:

The machine was not full yet so I didnt want it to run because I had more to put in. I was going to continue after I got the paper my husband needed.
What bothered me is I told him I will take what is in the machine out so he could do his laundry and he ddnt do it at the end. I waited until I saw he went to sleep to do the rest of the families wash.
He did it on purpose not doing his wash then.
And he was never diagnosed officially but he does have a bit of Aspergers.

NotInNJMommy

Thu, Oct 01 2020, 3:17 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I think you both need to treat this issue like adult roommates. In a calm, courteous way.

You're both frustrated and being indirect, and somewhat insensitive as a result.

He may have been so overwhelmed mentally/emotionally from the disagreement that he had no koach to do the laundry at that point.

I think having some clearer sharing plan for the laundry facilities would prevent a lot of hurt feelings and stress for you both.

FranticFrummie

Thu, Oct 01 2020, 3:21 pm

OP, here's how you can keep things running smoothly.

You: Keep a few laundry baskets, for whites, blacks, and bright colors. Don't put anything into the machine until you have a full load.

DS: Give him a day or two of the week that is entirely his for the laundry room. Stick to those days. It sounds like having hard rules would make him feel a lot less anxious and kvetchy.

BTW, good for you for getting him to do his own laundry in the first place! Thumbs Up