How do you raise happy frum children?

amother

Copper

Wed, Sep 30 2020, 9:17 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Thank you everyone for your responses.

And as for what I’m concerned about, I think the iker of it is that I don’t want my children to resent being frum. That’s what I want to avoid. I want them to be happy and confident being frum and not resent it or feel oppressed by it.

Do you want to hear the cold, hard truth?

There is NOTHING you can do to ensure that your children are frum. Each child will go on his or her own path and it is impossible to predict where that path may lead. As the parent, you can show them how much you love and enjoy being frum, but that does not mean that one day they won’t realize that they don’t.
Speaking from experience.

On the other hand, there is a lot that you can do to ensure that you and your child have a good relationship!! That, in my opinion, is what your main priority should be.

amother

Copper

Wed, Sep 30 2020, 9:20 pm

Rappel wrote:

Love them. Be honest with them, and treat them fairly.

I grew up "in the system," and I have not yet met one person whom left religion solely because of philosophical issues. Every single person felt emotionally wronged by a parent, teacher, or other powerful figure in their lives. Every one responded well to what I call "cholent Judaism" - warm, empathetic, loving Judaism.

Love. Respect. I think that's all anyone really needs.

Disagree. Most of my siblings are not religious, and mostly for philosophical reasons. It just didn’t work for them, on many different levels. Our home was very warm and loving and my parents always modeled Torah and yiddishkeit that was full of joy.
But that doesn’t mean that their children are going to feel the same. Children are not extensions of their parents.

Simcha36

Wed, Sep 30 2020, 10:55 pm

Love them

Show love and acceptance of kids

Show a good role model of a happy frum mother who has a happy life,

do fun family activities, outing, projects , baking together, discssing yom tov menu and allow them to have an input on choosing and making.

show living mitzvs is a happy life. show you enjoy mitzvos, see hashgacha pratis, see hashems hand adn love, verbalize it and your being grateful for... teach them : I am grateful today for....

take mitzvos seriously (when you daven you dont answer phone, dont look at text and dont particiapte in conversations w kids - tznuis - show you are committed to looking pretty but tzanua!! (no short skirs - you give a mixed msg, kids will say mom is hypochrit, and they do say it. they are sensitive to lack of consistancy. (ready to get stoned). your behavior, speech and apprearance should be refinded.

Shower them with love and attention. they will want this lifestyle for their future!

zaq

Wed, Sep 30 2020, 11:25 pm

amother [ Seagreen ] wrote:

If they are in a happy home and feel fulfilled by love, they will want to continue that good feeling and continue living that lifestyle.

True. Mostly. But let’s be honest here. There are no guarantees. Even if you follow instructions to the letter, sometimes your sponge cake will collapse. A couple can bring up 9 happy frum kids and 1 OTD. You do your part and the rest is up to the KBH. If you have a kid go OTD it doesn’t necessarily mean that you did anything wrong.

amother

Royalblue

Thu, Oct 01 2020, 5:05 am

amother [ Copper ] wrote:

Thats rare. In general if the home was safe, loving, warm, secure, fun, all material needs met and parents modeled love of yidddishkeit and had good bonds with their kids its rare to see a whole bunch not frum. Definitely happens, but rare. Generally there's an emotional component that goes along with leaving yiddishkeit- abuse,needs not being met, strife in the home, issues with school (friends bullying etc). I've only met a few people out there that had a wonderful loving, well adjusted, happy childhood with no abuse and left for purely philosophical reasons.

Rena K

Thu, Oct 01 2020, 8:39 am

Kudos to OP for asking the question! My children BH seem to be happy with being frum, so I will try to list what I think works, in order of potence:
1. Being thankful. As a family, every Shabbas, each child has the opportunity to say a sentence to thank Hashem that goes like this: "Thank you Hashem for ______ because _______". We profusely thank Hashem all the time and both me and my husband point out things to be thankful for that they wouldn't have thought of on their own. To the point where they feel bad for other people who don't have a G-d in their lives
2. Financial stability. I know this is not always in your control, but for us, we make this a strong priority. Children who grow up with financial instability can come to blame religion and it can create resentment. In addition, financial stability usually leads to children's physical needs being met, as well as emotional needs (parents are calmer, able to be more nurturing), and a happier and healthier child is much less likely to rebel or make immoral choices. Note, financial stability is a goal, not becoming wealthy or spoiling children. If you are not blessed with financial stability, please be aware of the impact this might have on the children and compensate in other ways
3. Solid hashkafos. Children ask questions. We ourselves need to be so confident in our beliefs that our answers provide clarity from a child's perspective. If our belief wavers, our children will pick up on it. They will notice inconsistencies in our behavior.
4. Discipline. Do NOT be so concerned about your child being "happy" and not going OTD that you fear disciplining them. Children need their parents to be kind but firm. Loving but demanding respect. Rules and parameters should be clearly communicated as the child matures, with consequences being fair and consistent. Never criticize the child, but rather be firm about the rules. And choose them wisely. You don't want to make everything about frumkeit, but you also don't want to have zero rules with regard to frumkeit. Balance is key.

Hatzlachah on your journey!!!