13 year old boy who keeps touching himself...there

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children

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amother

Wed, Oct 07 2020, 12:42 pm

At my wits end
He's my third son
I never had this
He keeps 'mazturbading'
while sitting on the couch..in the car

Who is a professional who can help?

NY area

amother

Crimson

Wed, Oct 07 2020, 12:48 pm

He doesn’t need a shrink. He needs a lesson in manners. This behavior is normal for that age, but he needs to be taught that it’s a private activity that doesn’t belong in public. Just like picking his nose or his zits, nobody wants to see it. Not to do it would be better but if he must, it belongs in the bathroom or his own room if he has one.

crl

Wed, Oct 07 2020, 12:55 pm

As much as it’s assur, please don’t shame him. He’s 13, going through some crazy puberty feelings, changes, hormones etc. This is normal boy behavior that we try to avoid because of halacha but if you make him feel dirty or bad, he won’t have a healthy relationship with himself and these feelings that can be a huge future issue.

Firstly, he does need to learn that any exploration needs to be done in private. It’s not appropriate for anyone to touch themselves in front of others so that’s an important boundary.

Secondly, if possible, this is a conversation that your husband should have with him — he needs to understand that these desires and feelings are NORMAL and EXPECTED but as Jews, we aim to control them to redirect these energies into a healthy and correct way in a future relationship. Don’t make him feel bad; like anything else, it’s a struggle like every other mitzvah. This is an opportunity to teach him and provide him with healthy future relationship with these feelings and avoid years of shame and embarrassment.

amother

Copper

Wed, Oct 07 2020, 1:01 pm

He's past bar mitzva, and should know right from wrong.

Please have your DH talk with him right away.

avrahamama

Wed, Oct 07 2020, 1:02 pm

I learned that when it's done in public don't even say anything. Just quickly deflect. Toss him a ball and shout "think fast" ask him to do something else with his hands. Vacuum, pick up a toy, write your shopping list. Whatever.

Just don't ask him to make you a sandwich 🤪

malki2

Wed, Oct 07 2020, 2:13 pm

Just touching himself, like putting his hand in his pants, or literally rubbing away in public? I seriously doubt it’s the latter, and if it is, the kid needs a real talking to, pronto!

amother

Royalblue

Wed, Oct 07 2020, 2:27 pm

OP, if he is actually masturba#ing in public in front of people, he has to be taught that that is NOT done. But otherwise kids do masturba#e. Please dont shame them.
One of my daughters was doing that, in the living room, well past the age where it was appropriate. I had a talk with her, telling her that this was something that was only done in private, in her room or the bathroom, with the door closed.
Talk to your son, but please, do not shame him. That will only make things worse.

amother

Mint

Wed, Oct 07 2020, 2:42 pm

Tell him he can do whatever he wants. In private - the bedroom if no one else is in there, or the bathroom. No one else wants or needs to see it. He can take his hands away from his genital area if he's not in private.

PS is he actually playing with himself? Or is he itchy?

amother

Bisque

Wed, Oct 07 2020, 3:00 pm

I’m having a similar issue with my 12 year old. It’s been better the last few months. I just gently remind to stop and if he wants to do that go to the privacy of his bedroom or the bathroom. The constant reminders seems to finally be helping.

naomi2

Wed, Oct 07 2020, 3:15 pm

Does he have any emotional issues such as anxiety, sensory issues, ADD, ASD?

amother

Wed, Oct 07 2020, 9:23 pm

thanks everbody

dh is freaking out and not feeling comfortable to talk to him
BUT
he did. and more than once.
behavior still continuing

yes anxiety and adhd

amother

Khaki

Thu, Oct 08 2020, 12:51 am

Mayb try getting him bigger/ looser underwear..if it’s not tight it maybe he’ll forget about the habit.

amother

Ecru

Thu, Oct 08 2020, 3:07 am

Does he take medication for ADHD?
We had the same issue with DS 12 but once he got started on meds, the touching improved drasticaly.
On days he forgets his meds, the touching gets worse.

amother

Saddlebrown

Thu, Oct 08 2020, 3:28 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

thanks everbody

dh is freaking out and not feeling comfortable to talk to him
BUT
he did. and more than once.
behavior still continuing

yes anxiety and adhd

Maybe he needs something to do with his hands. Stress ball, fidget spinner, silly putty..?

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