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Forum -> Judaism -> Halachic Questions and Discussions
Aveilus and family chanuka parties
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amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Oct 18 2020, 3:26 am
To all of you that unfortunately lost a parent what have you done or been told to do about family chanuka gatherings. I do plan on asking my rav when it gets closer but want to hear what people have done.
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Elfrida




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Oct 18 2020, 3:34 am
We got up from shiva two days before Chanukah, so no one was really thinking of parties. My question was whether we said שהחיינו one the first night. (We did.)

If you're asking now, you won't be in the shloshim during Chanukah, which would be the biggest problem.

I don't think any large party would be really appropriate, and certainly not with music, of course. Having a family supper with a game for the children would probably be ok. Of course, we can't predict what the situation will be in two months, but Corona will also be a consideration.
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amother
Slateblue


 

Post Sun, Oct 18 2020, 3:50 am
Was told to skip gifts and give $ instead if wanted.
Small intimate family dinner at home instead of everyone in hall with party and games.
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amother
Mint


 

Post Sun, Oct 18 2020, 5:03 am
By us my siblings were all told something else. No one got same answer
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clowny




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Oct 18 2020, 5:37 am
We were told to skip the Chanukah party.
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amother
Mint


 

Post Sun, Oct 18 2020, 5:42 am
clowny wrote:
We were told to skip the Chanukah party.


So one was told if it’s a melava Malka he can go so we did a melava Malka.
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silverlining3




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Oct 18 2020, 5:50 am
Honestly, everyone is paskened something else..
I remember my mom was in the year of her mom's passing when a few siblings did a Shabbaton. My mom asked a sheila, she was told she didn't need to back out, it's how she feels.
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PinkFridge




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Oct 18 2020, 6:06 am
Are you a child in law?
CYLOR. You might be told you can go if you stay in the kitchen, serve, don't eat, etc.
If this is your family, I can see this scenario: Everyone asking his owr her own LOR and getting different psakim.
Zooming might be the best way to go, not just because of COVID.
Hatzlacha. May your family be b'shalom. And HaMakom yenachem eschem b'soch she'ar aveilei Tziyon vYrushalayim.
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amother
Brunette


 

Post Sun, Oct 18 2020, 6:12 am
We were told to go. As long as it was all family and it happened yearly. Not host but go. I don't remember why. It ended up being really strange but good.
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amother
Hotpink


 

Post Sun, Oct 18 2020, 6:17 am
amother [ Slateblue ] wrote:
Was told to skip gifts and give $ instead if wanted.
Small intimate family dinner at home instead of everyone in hall with party and games.


Hall?!
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amother
Mint


 

Post Sun, Oct 18 2020, 6:21 am
amother [ Hotpink ] wrote:
Hall?!


Sure when u have a family of 8 and over 30-50 kids people start making in a hall. Usually nothing fancy and not catered
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silverlining3




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Oct 18 2020, 6:23 am
amother [ Hotpink ] wrote:
Hall?!


Many with large families don't fit in a house so they rent out a hall or shul.
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amother
Forestgreen


 

Post Sun, Oct 18 2020, 6:25 am
amother [ Hotpink ] wrote:
Hall?!


One of our family Chanuka parties has over 200 people. We always need a hall!

One of my uncles was in avelius during a different (much.smaller!) family party. The psak he was given was that my aunt (his wife) should host it and he doesn't have to leave the house.
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Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Oct 18 2020, 6:32 am
IIRC we had our usual family chanuka gathering (we take turns hosting) that year. We asked a sheilah and were told if we say Divrei Torah (my DH was the guest speaker) and for pirsumei nisah it was okay. Maybe we toned it down a bit. We didn't do a gifts exchange that year (usually everyone grandchild receives one gift from an aunt/uncle - done by gorol.)

Ask your LOR and respect everyone's individual psak.

I can tell you 100% that my mother A"H would've wanted us to get together.
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amother
Jade


 

Post Tue, Dec 01 2020, 3:10 pm
I have a first cousin that it's in aveilus she told me she probably won't come to the family party .
I also have a sister in law in aveilus but didnt hear yet what she's planning to do
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amother
Ivory


 

Post Tue, Dec 01 2020, 3:50 pm
I planned to stay home and send my dh with my kids but the psak that I got was that if it’s a yearly party I’m allowed to go.
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amother
Gold


 

Post Tue, Dec 01 2020, 3:56 pm
I didn’t even think of asking. My mother is planing the usual get together in her house and all of us siblings are in aveilus for my father. It’s usually low key so maybe it’s not a problem. I know it’ll be hard for my mother if it’s cancelled (was cancelled last year due to his being sick).
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amother
Cyan


 

Post Tue, Dec 01 2020, 4:08 pm
amother [ Gold ] wrote:
I didn’t even think of asking. My mother is planing the usual get together in her house and all of us siblings are in aveilus for my father. It’s usually low key so maybe it’s not a problem. I know it’ll be hard for my mother if it’s cancelled (was cancelled last year due to his being sick).


If it’s your mom making it and she will be upset if her kids don’t come is already a diff questions.
in my case we are in aveilim for our mother who generally made the parties.

Dh and kids will go to his extended family party
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amother
Chartreuse


 

Post Tue, Dec 01 2020, 4:13 pm
When we were in aveilis for my mom every gathering was basically a yahrzeit seuda. We cherished every opportunity to spend time together. Was definitely an atmosphere of aveilus.
I skipped the other sides party that year.
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amother
OP


 

Post Tue, Dec 01 2020, 4:54 pm
I was so nervous about the psak I was going to get for family chanuka gatherings. I was told regarding family (siblings in law and cousins) I could attend as long as no music. Have to sit separate and can eat and need to serve and help. I’m so happy with what I was told. I was scared I would be told no no no no.
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