Letters to the Editor: Ridiculous Edition

liveandlove.ima

Sun, Oct 18 2020, 5:20 pm

Dear Editor

I would like to make you aware of something odd happening with your magazine, for the last decade I would sit down with my coffee in hand first thing in morning and read your pages, from fantasy novels to true crime history, everything!!
That's until recently my coffee would taste weird and so I had to stop reading you! so, please whatever it is your doing wrong, fix it. because I miss those days!!

Thanks,
A reader

SuperWify

Sun, Oct 18 2020, 5:30 pm

Dear MASKim magazine,

I want to join in your holy inquisition-mission. I too, am appalled at the carelessness and cruelty of the non maskers who go around killing their grandparents. I saw a man- from my window In my hazmat suit- with his mask under his nose when he was outside my block. I’m shocked and shaking. I haven’t left my house since March but this makes me wonder- do people actually allow their masks to fall under their noses when they are outside at night all alone? Don’t know they will die from their very own germs that way? I saw another man driving in his car alone without a mask! Again, I question the sanity of the members of this world.

Gutt help us!

Masked and hazmatted in Brooklyn

tigerwife

Sun, Oct 18 2020, 7:26 pm

Dear Readers,

We would like to alert you about an ommission in last week’s fancy-schmancy-can’t-believe-it’s-low-carb-diet-babka-that-your-sisters-in-law-will-drool-over recipe. There should have been six cups of flour. Also, it was supposed to read 1/2 teaspoon salt, not 1/2 cup. We’re also not sure how the red pepper flakes ended up there- perhaps from the recipe on page 78. Red pepper flakes would go nicely there.

We hope your still have a relationship with your sisters-in-law.

Riki Geshikte
Fressen Magazine

GLUE

Sun, Oct 18 2020, 7:38 pm

Dear Ed:
I was shocked reading your last mag. You had an article on a police dog named Sally. How could you write about a dog, don't you know that a dog is a Treif animal how could you put such an article in your Mag.?
What really shocked me was the picture of Sally. You call your self a Jewish women's mag. when you put a picture of Sally in it. How could you put a picture of a female?

Shocked and horrified

Ed. respond: We at Gevert Magazine feel that some times you need to learn about stuff outside your comfort zone ,that is why we put in the article. However we would never do anything that would make stores stop selling our Magazine, so on the advice of our Vaad Rabbi, that was not a picture of Sally,but Sally twin brother Max. Please keep buying Gevert Magazine.

Boca00

Sun, Oct 18 2020, 7:52 pm

Dear Editor,

It baffles me to no end; you write "let's keep this Covid-free"... and BAM!.. Everyone writes about Covid! If that wasn't bad enough, it's full of humblebragging, "I've been wearing a Hazmat suit alone in my apartment since March" blah blah blah.
As if that's even so chashuv! I have been home alone, wearing 2 Hazmat suits, a 6-layer mask, goggles, a parka and have been purifying my apartment's air every 3 minutes since December! But you don't see me bragging about it and writing in to every magazine about it. Such show offs. Seriously.

Sincerely,
Home Alone since before it was popular

Boca00

Sun, Oct 18 2020, 8:01 pm

Dear Editor,

I was so touched to see the story about Rabbi Feurer and the 7 dogs he managed to calm down, on page 189 of the Sukkos edition. My family was so excited to see this story in print, because this story actually happened to my esteemed father in law!

Let me just correct some facts.
The Rabbi's name was Rabbi Wallerberg, and it wasn't actually about calming 7 dogs, it was about 1 goldfish he won at a county fair. Additionally, it didn't happen in England in 1987, but in New York in 2008.
Keep up the great work!!

Sincerely,
Mrs. Wallerberg, JR.

ExtraCredit

Sun, Oct 18 2020, 8:10 pm

Boca00 wrote:

Dear editor,
Last week’s letter to the editor about my letter to the editor from 2 weeks ago really hurt my feelings. I was able to feel my broken heart through the hazmat suit, but wasn’t able to dry my tears through the hazmat mask. Please be more careful about publishing letters in the future because you never know who’s sensitive spots you’re touching and you shouldn’t be touching anyone these days.
Signed, Touched (but still in the hazmat suit since March)
((P.s I was referring to March 2019. Just saying.))

Boca00

Sun, Oct 18 2020, 8:23 pm

ExtraCredit wrote:

Dear Editor,

Should we be pandering to this snowflake generation and leave out anything that might possibly irritate or offend anyone?? If yes, then you literally can't write about ANYTHING, even the most innocuous things! Not gun control, vaccines, legalizing marijuana, capital punishment, animal rights etc etc.
Free speech is free speech! Why is this even a question???

On another note, I applaud you Extra Credit for wearing your mask since 2019. You are definitely better than most. (On that note, I have been wearing my getup since I learned about the Spanish flu in high school circa 1960.)

Sincerely,
Suited up since WAY before it was popular

tigerwife

Sun, Oct 18 2020, 8:29 pm

Dear Editor,

I was horrified by the amount of clothing ads you had in your last issue. Have we no shame for our clothing-glutton epidemic? Growing up, I had one dress and that was fine. I washed it for shabbos. I didn’t die. One shop should be enough to clothe everyone. How are we supposed to raise gedolei hador when they will have bittul torah every day deciding between several pairs of pants? How can future mothers of klal yisroel do their jobs while deciding between messes of dresses? Enough is enough.

Simple in Cedarhurst

InnerMe

Sun, Oct 18 2020, 8:43 pm

ExtraCredit wrote:

Dear editor,
Can I suggest a good quote for your cover? Choose MASKim, so you won’t need MisASKim? Think it will go over well? Can you pay me for this brilliant quote?
Thanks for giving me something else to email you about,
Hazmat suit since March

Dear Hazmat suit since March,

Yes, that is a very good quote, I believe though I will need to run it by the other board members of MASKim Magazine. As far as pay, I believe the schar you get for helping such a magazine should be good compensation. It is a huge kiddush hashem. Thank you for your help. The world needs more people like you.

Founder, MASKim Magazine

P.s. If you want your schar to be even greater, we are offering sponsorship opportunities since as I'm sure you know starting a magazine is quite a costly endeavor.

InnerMe

Sun, Oct 18 2020, 8:46 pm

Boca00 wrote:

Dear Mrs. Wallenberg,
My son wants to know where he can get such a goldfish? He's quite interested in being written up in the "premier magazine for Torah families." Also his parents wouldn't mind either.

With much gratitude,

Yitzy's mom

InnerMe

Sun, Oct 18 2020, 8:55 pm

GLUE wrote:

Dear editor,
This is all apologetics. If it was a female, it was a female, and that's unacceptable for a Jewish Woman's magazine. Facts don't change because the "rabbinic board" would like them to.

If the magazine has made a terrible error then you should own up to it, instead of covering up.

Outraged and Astounded

SuperWify

Sun, Oct 18 2020, 8:59 pm

Dear editor,

I’m horrified that you allowed a certain ad of horrific proportions past your strict censors last week. Truly a magiefa of epic and pandemic-like proportions.
No I’m not talking about COVID-19.
No I am not talking about Covid-20.
Yes, they are scary and unknown illnesses that can have a detrimental effect on our bodies and society as a whole.
but what I am talking about is a serious disease on ones soul and the souls of every single person on this planet. I AM talking about the horrific sheitel ad you allowed in your once-holy (not anymore..) magazine.
The glossy ad featured a glamorous sheitel- long AND blonde. This is extremely and horrifically problematic because:
1. If chas v Shalom A woman who covers her hair correctly (ie- with a double tichel headcovering which comes down to her eye brows of course) sees this she might feel even a teeny tiny twinge of regret for the mitzvah she does and might cvs have a split second thought to downgrade her headcovering, her royal crown. Cvs. Lo aleinu. Poo poo.
2. If a male member of Klal Yisrael sees this glossy hair on the advertisement he might have cvs feelings that might cvs cause him hirirurim raaim that might cvs chase him to think about the head (Not shown) wearing these glossy Locks or even cvs the body that holds the head. Cvs. Lo aleinu. Poo poo.
(And for obvious tznius reasins we won’t go further. V”hameivin yavin 😉)
3. In the unprecedented unpredictable and turbulent times such as these we need all the zechusim we can get. STOP BEING THE CAUSE OF THIS PANDEMIC. Stop the unlawful promotion of treif sheitels.

Sincerely, Reb PLS Frank of TSFTPOOS (the holy society for the promotion of the obvious obliteration of sheitels)

Boca00

Sun, Oct 18 2020, 9:06 pm

InnerMe wrote:

Dear Yitzy's Mom,

I may be contacted through the Neshei Chayil magazine office for that highly classified information. Please use the security pin 08stkb6282073614!&$(@^÷:*67 when calling so I know that it is you.

What worries me, however, is why a young and impressionable man is reading the women's magazine? You wouldn't want him to grow up stalking women's websites like Imamother. I suggest you bring this up in your next session with your child's therapist.

Sincerely,
Mrs. Wallerberg, JR.

Last edited by Boca00 on Sun, Oct 18 2020, 9:13 pm; edited 1 time in total

tigerwife

Sun, Oct 18 2020, 9:10 pm

Dear Glatt Kosher Magazine,

You guys are the best magazine ever! Every Wednesday, my husband and I fight over who gets to read it first. We are obsessed! My only complaint is that it’s too short! Lol! Omg!

Love,
Your Greatest #1 Fans

PS. Please find attached photo of our darling baby Yocheved Yardena “devouring” your magazine! Lol!

PPS: We recommend your magazine to like literally everyone we meet! My mailman just asked for your subscription info! Lol!

PPPS: Can w get free magazines for referring?

InnerMe

Sun, Oct 18 2020, 9:17 pm

Boca00 wrote:

Dear editor,
I cannot understand how you let this letter be printed. She suggested my son has a therapist!! The sheer chutzpah of that!! I'll have you know Mrs. Wallenberg, that my son Yitzy is the top boy in his class. He is 8 years old but he has the maturity of an 80 year old and therefore I allow him to read the magazine.

I will now call that number and in the upcoming edition exploring Yitzy's goldfish and his torahdig family that raised him, you will eat your words. You'll beg to just stand in his shadow (or his mother's)

Deeply wounded

P.s. You spelled your name differently in both letters. I am afraid you are just a troll trying to stir things up.

GLUE

Sun, Oct 18 2020, 9:18 pm

Dear Editor,

I am writing to you because I do not know who to contact. In the Shobbos box this week we got a cake that only had two hechshers instead of the 4-5 hechshers we usually have. I am not sure who to ask if it is kosher enough to eat. I had to give it to my cleaning lady. Please can you write on who to contact so it would not happen again.

Trying to keep Kosher

InnerMe

Sun, Oct 18 2020, 9:24 pm

tigerwife wrote:

Dear Greatest #1 Fans,
I have a son Yochanan Yardein whom I think would be a great shidduch for your darling baby Yocheved Yardena. See attached pic of him devouring the magazine too! What a match made in... magazine land.

Oh, I could so see them together!! What an adorable couple.

Please put a note on your calendar on the day your YY turns 18 to contact the magazine to get my contact information. We will then have lechaim.

Then we can even write an article how this shidduch came about.

Your Mechutanim
P.s. Please make sure your YY stays slim and fit since my YY is on the chubbier side and y'know... genes. We want to give the einiklach a fair chance.