S/O of "horrified" thread - sending kids away pp

dankbar

Wed, Oct 21 2020, 5:29 pm

When I had my first c-section, ( poorly done, by an incomepetent dr) my 16 mos old was out by family, for two weeks. ( 3 different places because it was over yt) (so technically nobody had him more than couple of days). then I got child back.
If you were to have major surgery ch'v would you keep your toddler & newborn home straight from surgery with you? Without another adult home to assist you & take care of needs of children?
C-section recovery is min 6 weeks, medically.
You can't lift. When child came back, I taught dc how to climb into hi-chair & crib with a stool during day when dh was at work. You can't even pick up to hold that toddler, in a time when they want to be held more.

It was hard even after 2 weeks, can't imagine right away, when I was agony with every move

Last edited by dankbar on Wed, Oct 21 2020, 5:43 pm; edited 2 times in total

flowerpower

Wed, Oct 21 2020, 5:31 pm

Listen, if you don’t want to get it then don’t. How many times do we have to chew over this topic?!!! You do you and I do me.

I’d rather this Arrangement then have random neighbors Take my kids out in the afternoons as a chessed. It confuses the kids even more. I don’t need my mom or mil visiting my house all week “trying to help” either.

When mom is home they come to mom. Even if dad is there. When Im in the shower And everyone including dh is home the kid will look for “mommmmmmmy” until they find me.

dankbar

Wed, Oct 21 2020, 5:36 pm

kenz wrote:

Some are, most are not. By the time they are having their 6th or 7th or 8th kid, their husbands are working long hours as well, just like yours.
Of course the toddlers go to their sitters during the day - why would that change? If they go to playgroup or a babysitter, they keep going. They still come home. A neighbor or friend picks them up and brings them home.
Who said yeshivish moms can't go to kimpeturin heims? They can go just like everyone else. I did not say that I was speaking for EVERY SINGLE yeshivish person in the universe. I just said the assumptions being made on this thread are absurd.
Again, I don't care if anyone sends their kids away, and I do not think it is damaging to the kids. I just can't ignore the ridiculous assumptions being made like if you don't send your kids away, you must be planning your family size based on what it's like when you get home from the hospital. I have never heard ANYONE use that as a reason for deciding to delay having another child. (And as I said, there is very little delaying going on at all. And if there is, it's none of anyone else's business anyway.)

That's the diff, kids go to sitter during day. Older kids help when they come home.

If sahm has her toddler home all day & doesn't want to a sitter that's a stranger why can't she send to her family.

Anyway, every community has different set up to help new moms. That is the main point, that mom should recuperate, not that she should be expected to do everything like she just returned from a grocery trip, with a baby as another purchase that she grabbed off the shelf!

kenz

Wed, Oct 21 2020, 5:39 pm

dankbar wrote:

I certainly do not disagree with any of that. (Regarding a sitter, though, if the baby/toddler is normally at a sitter, she still goes. I don't know too many people that send to a completely unknown sitter after a new baby comes home.)

ExtraCredit

Wed, Oct 21 2020, 5:40 pm

dankbar wrote:

Being in such a community, and one side large family, and having c-sections at my later births, I still had a hard time to find a host, even for older children.

I was going to write a few times that it’s not at all a given that we all have places to send. Not everyone has family or friends capable of hosting. But the point of this thread was to explain that this concept of sending away kids after a baby is not all that horrifying.

amother

Gold

Wed, Oct 21 2020, 5:43 pm

Blessing1 wrote:

Naaaa no one on imamother will admit they're
chas v'shalom jealous. It's more fun to bash other communities.

I don’t get it, we’re all adults. If you’re jealous of another community, go be part of that community. I chose my lifestyle and am therefore more or less happy with my community.

ExtraCredit

Wed, Oct 21 2020, 5:48 pm

amother [ Gold ] wrote:

I don’t get it, we’re all adults. If you’re jealous of another community, go be part of that community. I chose my lifestyle and am therefore more or less happy with my community.

Sometimes you love everything about your community but would love one specific thing to change that’s not common in your community. For example: if you love everything about your community but would love for it to be the norm to send away toddlers after birth, but no one does it and you are ashamed to do something so “abusive” so you are expected to manage even though you’re falling apart...

lilies

Wed, Oct 21 2020, 5:53 pm

Zehava wrote:

It’s not trauma if done the right way. It’s called rupture and repair. I’ve actually discussed this in therapy. Therapist told me that even if I think the child is too young to understand I should talk to them. Start preparing in advance and telling them what will happen. If otherwise the child is well-attached they will be fine. Make sure to tell them clearly and many times that you will be back.
When I left my toddler to go on vacation he actually told the babysitter every day that mommy is coming back. He was barely two.

This!
I've taken in a toddler at some point and had the kid mark off each day on the calendar - until going-home day, and pointed and explained.
There are ways to do this the right way, and it's actually not only not traumatic (though it is stressful for the kid) but it's actually a healthy rupture and repair experience that results in a healthier attachment.

If you can't fathom sending your child away to a familiar place for a few days then take a hard look at your attachment style.

Caveat; I'd say one week should be the new norm, unless Mom really needs more than that. Two weeks is quite an adjustment on the hosting family's end, as well as a looong time in a child's eyes.

silverlining3

Wed, Oct 21 2020, 5:54 pm

Isn't it confusing and harder for the toddler, even after daycare, to every day be by another neighbor, aunt, or relative? AND for the mom to be busy every day with, okay, let's see who can take Chany for the afternoon... Nevermind the every day struggle of seeing the toddler crying, mommy come, when being dropped off.

It's just calmer and easier for child and mom knowing they're at the same place for 2 weeks!
Yes, returning home is an adjustment for the toddler. But after 2 weeks of rest, mom is capable of handling it.

When I have any age kids, post their mom giving birth, I always talk about their mom being weak and resting up.

Blessing1

Wed, Oct 21 2020, 5:55 pm

shabbatiscoming wrote:

I hear that. I was just explaining a bit how the two situations are different.
I have no beef in this discussion. I said, I dont do this, but its not my community. As the saying goes "not my circus, not my monkeys".

The point isn't really the difference of the 2 situations. The point is that it's disgusting to say that a women can't care for her kids properly and should stop having kids because you can't understand this mentality.

amother

Amber

Wed, Oct 21 2020, 5:57 pm

dankbar wrote:

Because they get more confused with being shifted back & forth from mommy to bubby. They don't want to go back to bubby if they see mommy. Then they know they have option of staying with mom & tantrum.

Your kid is on regular routine so doesn't chap that you are home & has option of staying home

Do you really think if they don’t see mommy they forget all about her and don’t miss her?

amother

Vermilion

Wed, Oct 21 2020, 7:34 pm

ExtraCredit wrote:

I’m sure those that come home from the hospital straight to their toddlers take it into the equation when planning their family size. Here comes tomatoes... Punch

This actually is related to the main question I have. In chassidish communities where this is common family sizes tend to be on the larger side so doesn't this scenario come up way too often? I would be happy to do this for a family member who needs it say once in a few years but not multiple times a year. If a group of six sister in laws are each having babies every two years or so for an extended number of years does this cause resentment for a lot of people who rather focus on their own kids than have nieces and nephews bunking in and out? Two days fine I can do all the time but two weeks is a once in a long while kind of nightmare for me

amother

Chartreuse

Wed, Oct 21 2020, 11:30 pm

amother [ Vermilion ] wrote:

I don't like burdening others with my kids, and I don't like hosting others (though its never as bad as I think it'll be...)
But, if you are lucky enough to have 6 SIL, chances are not everyone is getting to host a child every time someone has a baby.
Older kids usually stay home, some go to friends, etc.

amother

Chartreuse

Wed, Oct 21 2020, 11:33 pm

silverlining3 wrote:

Its not very healthy for a child to be that attached to a mom.
I find those who never send away their kids, have a very hard leaving them when it's a must or when an emergency comes up.

Sorry, but its always hard.
The kid who has to leave his mom during births + emergencies gets double and triple doses.
FYI, Not everyone has an emergency where they must leave their kids, and its definitely not something you need to create a 'drill' for.
What you're seeing is over protectiveness, or personality, or both.

amother

Chartreuse

Wed, Oct 21 2020, 11:36 pm

silverlining3 wrote:

Kid can go to same 1 aunt/friend for the entire week. Doesn't have to be anew arrangement every time.
If kid goes to someone they love (like everyone here says they will) and knows this is a daily arrangement, or just stays late with morah, it doesn't have to be a sorry affair.