S/O of "horrified" thread - sending kids away pp

amother

Vermilion

Thu, Oct 22 2020, 12:04 am

amother [ Sienna ] wrote:

I would appreciate if you read it in the context of what it was in response to. Thank you

Yes but the implication was that men cannot possibly care for the kids during those first two weeks after birth due to work responsibilities and we are just pointing out that men in other communities work just as hard and long hours but also we don't remove small kids from their environment for a full 14 days but find other ways to recuperate.

Two weeks is just so long. Three days I wouldn't necessarily do myself to young children, but I could understand. Two weeks I literally cannot comprehend. That two year old baby needs his bed and to see his mommy.

amother

Babyblue

Thu, Oct 22 2020, 12:37 am

The best gift you can ask for in honor of your new baby is extra help in the house. Some days and even some night.
That way you can keep your children home and rest and get some sleep
When money was tight and I couldn’t afford any day or cleaning help I took a lady 2 nights a week 12-7 to watch my newborn while I slept and that made a world of a difference to me and the whole family

amother

Seagreen

Thu, Oct 22 2020, 1:41 am

I'm shocked that no one mentioned this yet, but do all of you that are horrified about leaving toddlers at a relative never go away with your husband for a few days???? I'm not saying it's easy to send them away, but don't make it seem like those that do send away are cruel. Everyone deserves a break once in a while whether you choose to take it when you have a baby or when you go on vacation (or both). Please allow everyone to make their own choices regarding the kids they gave birth to and focus on your own instead.

amother

Azure

Thu, Oct 22 2020, 1:50 am

amother [ Seagreen ] wrote:

I don't know anyone who's ever gone on vacation for two weeks and left a toddler behind. Honestly, I would find that surprising.

I have read threads here by women who don't like to sleep at their in-laws because they really prefer to be in their own beds.

Obviously children who are well cared for by people they know well aren't in a terrible situation, but the question is whether it's something to do lechatchila or only bedieved. I was hoping we'd get a mental health professional to weigh in.

moonstone

Thu, Oct 22 2020, 2:54 am

amother [ Green ] wrote:

Let's have a general "what are you jealous about from other communities?" thread. I'm sure it would lots of fun.

I thought about it, and there's nothing I'm jealous of. Not one single thing.

amother

Cerise

Thu, Oct 22 2020, 4:43 am

amother [ Seagreen ] wrote:

No, I never went on a vacation without my toddlers. Maybe maybe I went overnight once or twice, I can't remember. But definitely not for a week or more!!

Once they were older (over three), I did go once for a wedding overseas, for a week. But not for a casual vacation.

banana123

Thu, Oct 22 2020, 5:03 am

ExtraCredit wrote:

Why aren’t you horrified that the poor little toddler doesn’t join the mommy in the hospital for those 2 days? He wants his mommy then too.

After I give birth, my children sleep at home with their abba. They miss me (and my toddler was very upset that I was gone), but they are in their home, with their other primary caregiver.

You can't compare that to 2 weeks when the children are not in their home and are deprived of BOTH primary caregivers.

amother

Ginger

Thu, Oct 22 2020, 6:38 am

Sending a nonverbal child away after a birth is a huge trauma. I witnessed a two year old who was staying at his aunt in severe emotional distress. All his adult relatives were saying things like he’s so hard he’s out of control thank goodness he’s not home to see the baby he’s such a brat

This was a child without “issues”
It was painful to see.

amother

Aquamarine

Thu, Oct 22 2020, 6:55 am

amother [ Cerise ] wrote:

Same. They’re my kids and I gave birth to them so they’re my responsibility. Plus I wouldn’t enjoy myself because I would miss them and be worried for them but not everyone feels this way and people will go away multiple times a year.
I feel that vaction is optional while having a baby is not so much. I have had kids for two weeks and the verbal ones where totally ok but the ones that had no clue what’s up became extremely clingy. One little baby I had to hold literally every second she was awake. Not everyone is willing or capable of giving a guest that kind of care.
Not everyone feels so deeply and intensely and their toddlers are pretty easy going as well. I’ve had so many kids staying by me that I’ve seen all types. As for myself my toddler will most likely understand what’s happening but the most I’m planning to send her away is one week if I end up with a c section and less if everything goes ok.

banana123

Thu, Oct 22 2020, 7:20 am

Rappel wrote:

We have a different setup.

My community offered to hire me a housekeeper and an in-house babysitter for a month. They were worried that because my mum isn't available to take care of me, that I would have difficulty recovering.

I declined the offer, because I really didn't feel like I needed it. DH took off two weeks of work to manage everything post-partum so I could R and R, and even after that he still took on the bulk of the housework and the children whenever he wasn't working, so I felt rested. Better that the yishuv's money goes to someone whom really needs it.

I'm now 2 months post partum, and I feel fine. But you know what? It might be much harder when I have 6, 7, 8 kids, beezrat Hashem. At that point, I'll take the town's help.

I'm definitely jealous. I wish my town would make such an offer. I think I'm going to try to convince DH to move near you.

amother

Puce

Thu, Oct 22 2020, 7:35 am

ExtraCredit wrote:

How is the dad sitting home all day? Of course that would be great. The dads I know are not available to sit home with toddlers all day.

Aren't most little kids in some kind of childcare? They continue to attend childcare after mom gives birth, and dad picks them up in the afternoon, takes them home, feeds them, bathes them, and puts them to bed.

FWIW, DH usually starts saving his vacation days the moment we find out I'm pregnant. That way, he can use them after the birth to help me out. He tells his employer around the time I tell mine, and BH so far they have been accommodating. Vacation days are there to be used, so it shouldn't really bother an employer if a father wants to use them to help his wife after birth, instead of getting on a plane to Cancun.

amother

Gray

Thu, Oct 22 2020, 7:41 am

How does any of this fit in with the kids who get sent to babysitters who specifically do this and who the child may have met once or twice? I get that not everyone has relatives who can take their child, but if the system works because the child is comfortable there already, why would a babysitter be a good alternative?

amother

Cerise

Thu, Oct 22 2020, 7:42 am

amother [ Puce ] wrote:

Aren't most little kids in some kind of childcare? .

This. I don't understand all those saying the dad can't quit his job to stay home all day with the kids. Are all these one and two year olds at home all day long? And if so, do all the other women in the community not have any jobs, or otherwise how can they look after your toddler all day long?

silverlining3

Thu, Oct 22 2020, 8:21 am

amother [ Cerise ] wrote:

Imagine that!! Nope, not all toddlers are being sent out, nor do all moms work.. Can't understand it? Sorry

Zehava

Thu, Oct 22 2020, 8:26 am

amother [ Cerise ] wrote:

‘Tis a sad world we live in. When it’s unimaginable for a 12 month old baby to be home with its mom “all day long”.

amother

Gold

Thu, Oct 22 2020, 8:35 am

amother [ Cerise ] wrote:

You do realize it’s ideal for a 1 year old to be home with Mommy? Unfortunately many people have to work, but sending out babies is certainly not the way it’s supposed to be!

silverlining3

Thu, Oct 22 2020, 8:39 am

amother [ Chartreuse ] wrote:

Sorry, but its always hard.
The kid who has to leave his mom during births + emergencies gets double and triple doses.
FYI, Not everyone has an emergency where they must leave their kids, and its definitely not something you need to create a 'drill' for.
What you're seeing is over protectiveness, or personality, or both.

Who spoke about 'drills'? Goodness
I simply said what I've witnessed time and time again. Leaving a child is NEVER easy, regardless how many times left before and how long, but, It IS harder to send away kids when they're never ever sent away. You're right, not everyone has must situations or emergencies, that doesn't mean never.

Blessing1

Thu, Oct 22 2020, 8:43 am

amother [ Cerise ] wrote:

My kids are home with my till 3 years old. I stopped working out of the house when I had my first. My toddlers stay by relatives that don't work out of the house.

Blessing1

Thu, Oct 22 2020, 8:50 am

amother [ Puce ] wrote:

My kids were never in daycare. They're home till they're 3 and start nursery. One kid was home till almost 4. DH can't take off when I give birth, his vacation days go towards yamim tovim. If he'll take a week or 2 off when I give birth, he won't get paid for those weeks.