S/O What do you do but did not see it growing up?

SuperWify

Mon, Oct 26 2020, 5:15 am

Internet and movies

Birth control

Self care

Parenting classes

Working on screaming less then the way I was raised and being more loving. No sharp criticism.

Being more calm in general not having such a stressful household with a harried mom who gets no sleep, food or down time. I literally grew up thinking a mother was a martyr and shmatte.

More cleaning help

Baked goods every shabbos

Not being obsessed with kids weight and what they eat (too little- chase after them with food, too much- pull the second bowl of pasta away or make some cutting remark...)

On the flip side, mom always made sure to say I love you every single day and I try to do the same.

bigsis144

Mon, Oct 26 2020, 5:23 am

I am playful and happy to be silly and I talk to my kids about anything and everything, but I don’t have a “Morah” personality like my mother, who had songs for EVERYTHING.

She sang “you’re a grand old flag” every time we passed an American flag on a flagpole.
She sang Birchos HaShachar and the entire Birkas HaMazon out loud, every single time.
She sang Israeli folk songs and Yiddish lullabies and Broadway show tunes.

And I soaked it all up and I loved it and I owe a lot of my general knowledge to all she exposed us to growing up.

But I don’t have that exact same personality, and my kids hate when I sing, so there’s less music in my house than I thought there would be.

Sometimes I feel inferior about it 😕
But I try to focus on the things that I do with my kids that make them happy. I’m still an okay mom.

amother

Seafoam

Mon, Oct 26 2020, 5:51 am

Bigsis if you overall feel inferior, not strong & confident then your kids will feel it & not respect you. If you show confidence & strength they will look up to you, respect you & listen to you.

Zehava

Mon, Oct 26 2020, 6:57 am

amother [ Seafoam ] wrote:

Bigsis if you overall feel inferior, not strong & confident then your kids will feel it & not respect you. If you show confidence & strength they will look up to you, respect you & listen to you.

Uhhhh nope

bigsis144

Mon, Oct 26 2020, 7:32 am

amother [ Seafoam ] wrote:

Bigsis if you overall feel inferior, not strong & confident then your kids will feel it & not respect you. If you show confidence & strength they will look up to you, respect you & listen to you.

Thanks, amother Seafoam, I never thought of that! 🤷🏻‍♀️

I’ve been in therapy and antidepressants for a while now, it’s not just “fake it til you make it”.

Again, I am trying to focus on what I do right rather than how I’m not exactly like my mom. But a thread like this where many people are saying they’re better than what they got growing up made me think of what I loved growing up but can’t seem to replicate myself for various reasons. It’s a mantra I need to repeat, “I’m doing the best I can, and that’s just fine!”

But especially thinking about the “is a mother obligated to be a Morah, personality and all” thing lately, as my challenged second grader (in public school) keeps growing up, and barely knows alef beis or davening. It’s not my fault, it’s not my fault. But stupid Artscroll biographies and midrashim about supermothers get in your head, ya know?

keym

Mon, Oct 26 2020, 7:50 am

bigsis144 wrote:

I'll tell you what your mantra should be.
Supermother doesn't exist.
Superwoman doesn't exist.
It's all made up.

dankbar

Mon, Oct 26 2020, 8:00 am

bigsis144 wrote:

It's ok. I have many things that I do differently than my mother which is to the positive but many more things that my mom did better than me, that as much as I try to replicate, I can't.
We are all individuals & not copy clones of our parents.