How far does kibbud av v'em go?

amother

Mon, Nov 16 2020, 3:04 pm

How far do we need to go to please our parents?
Is it right to keep their opinions uppermost in mind when making major life decisions?
Can parents demand from their married children to keep family minhagim/chumros which are not according to the child's chosen derech?

As a daughter struggling with these issues I'd like some perspective

Success10

Mon, Nov 16 2020, 3:11 pm

Married women should halachically go according to their dh's minhag, unless the dh does not mind if his wife continues in her old minhag. It's always nice to try to accommodate your parent's feelings when you can, but shalom bayis always takes precedence.

The flip side is that the parents can not demand anything from their married children, as far as halachic observance. Even unmarried children are allowed to make decisions such as what yeshiva to learn in and whom to marry, things that affect their own ruchniyus. It's stated clearly in shulchan orech.

If the parents are demanding and controlling to that extent, and it's emotionally damaging to the child, it's worthwhile to speak to a rav to find out what their exact obligations are in kibbud av'vem. Extreme cases will get extreme answers that you can't always find in a book.

amother

Mon, Nov 16 2020, 3:22 pm

I understand that when there's a conflict between parents and husband, husband comes first.
I'm talking about a case where a married child has taken a different derech in yiddishkeit and the parents are putting lots of pressure on the child to stick to family chumros which makes the child and their family stand out as different from their chosen community.
It just feels like a lose lose situation. Whatever we end up choosing, there's resentment on both sides

Success10

Mon, Nov 16 2020, 3:36 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

It's unclear where dh stands in all of this. If it's truly chumros and minhag (and not halacha) you can do whatever you want when your parents are not around. When you go to visit them, you can try to respect their chumros for kibbud av'vem. I am not sure if you are required.

It's not normal for parents to try to dictate to married children how to live their lives. They are concerned for their own kavod and embarassment. Speak to a rav to clarify details of halacha, since this is a shaila of halacha.

ggdm

Mon, Nov 16 2020, 4:03 pm

Quote:

How far do we need to go to please our parents?
Is it right to keep their opinions uppermost in mind when making major life decisions?

Major life decisions such as having a child, where to live, who to marry and which job to take? Nothing wrong with taking their opinion serious and thinking about it. But only taking a major decision because the parents want it is a recipe for desaster.

Teomima

Mon, Nov 16 2020, 6:03 pm

ggdm wrote:

Quote:

How far do we need to go to please our parents?
Is it right to keep their opinions uppermost in mind when making major life decisions?

Since when should parents be expressing their opinion regarding when their adult kids should have children, where they should live, what job they should take?? It's one thing if their son/daughter asks for their advice, but these are not areas where parents should be giving their children unsolicited advice and certainly they should not be putting any pressure on them to follow their opinions.

amother

Mon, Nov 16 2020, 6:09 pm

Teomima wrote:

You're right. As a parent I hope I'll know the damage of interfering. But as a daughter of parents who do have opinions on such matters and are truly and deeply hurt when they aren't followed it's hard to figure how to deal with it

amother

Lawngreen

Mon, Nov 16 2020, 6:10 pm

The answer is that is not kibud av v'eim. You have to respect them to their face, so a polite thanks so much for your advice but ultimately I'll make my own decision is ok. They really can't and shouldn't pressure or force you to do anything. Technically you take on your husband's chumros and minhagim.

amother

Mon, Nov 16 2020, 6:12 pm

Success10 wrote:

I can't even call it chumra. It's more cultural stuff like wearing a specific levush.
Dh couldn't care less. He just wants everybody to be happy

amother

Slateblue

Mon, Nov 16 2020, 6:21 pm

My recommendation would be to find a good rav that you (and your parents) respect. That way, if the rav tells you to live according to your derech, not your parents’, you’ll have the backing of daas torah. Finding a rav that your parents respect can also be helpful as they’ll trust him.

amother

Pewter

Tue, Nov 17 2020, 3:39 pm

I have this with my parents in law. They keep on giving advice / and bringing out the negative they see in our lifestyle cos they want us to be more like them.

I'm at my wit's end about this , I have decided not to visit them for a while so I don't have to listen to their opinions.

Like OP, I also want to know how much we are mechuyov to listen to them and tolerate.

iyar

Tue, Nov 17 2020, 4:50 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I can't even call it chumra. It's more cultural stuff like wearing a specific levush.
Dh couldn't care less. He just wants everybody to be happy

Levush falls into the category of minhag or personal preference. It depends on what levush you're referring to. If it's minhag then you follow your husband's minhagim and he follows his father's minhagim (unless for some reason his rav advised him otherwise). Your family's minhagim are no longer your priority after you got married. If it's a matter of personal preference then you could choose to dress the way your family does but as far as I know there's no obligation. If it's a minor change that doesn't bother you and it makes your parents happy- why not? But no way should this come between you and your husband and even if he doesn't mind I don't think there's a compelling reason to dress according to your parents' wishes.
Kibbud av v'em is Halacha though, serious stuff, so best ask a rabbi if you're concerned.