My son found a vape (preteen)

amother

Mon, Nov 23 2020, 9:08 pm

So honestly not sure what it is. I googled it and it came up as something with nicotine in it. He apparently sucked it. I don't know what possessed him. He told me it was sweet. When I told him it had nicotine he freaked. He told me with tears streaming down his face that he won't be able to tell ppl he never smoked. Hours later he was still very upset to the point of bringing up everything he is worried and anxious about and upset about. He didn't sleep well last night so makes semse that he was reactive. He got to the point of telling me he wants to die bec he won't have these problems.

My question is did he overreact? Is this a normal reaction to finding out you just ingested nicotine. We definitely talk about smoking being bad but I still would not expect this.

(He is sleeping now. Was able to calm him down enough to go to sleep. Patted him and sat with him. I told him he didnt really smoke and that coming to me with his problems is going to solve them (or his therapist) vs killing himself will just cause pain to his neshama)

Thoughts?

amother

Seafoam

Mon, Nov 23 2020, 9:21 pm

In many yeshivas it’s pretty normal. I wonder if he was just putting up a show not to get into trouble...
In any case I’d ignore it further

amother

Mauve

Mon, Nov 23 2020, 9:34 pm

Is he a highly sensitive child? I'd just reassure him that 1 inhale by mistake doesn't count, and he's good. It won't effect him, and not to worry about it. I have a HSC,, and I really have to curb what I say as far as dangers go, bec. it makes a strong impact on him.

amother

Seashell

Mon, Nov 23 2020, 9:53 pm

Something doesn't add up. You can't ingest nicotine simply by sucking on on a vape. You have to inhale while pressing down on the button. So if he actually inhaled the nicotine, chances are he knew exactly what he was doing.

amother

Lawngreen

Mon, Nov 23 2020, 9:58 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Is this his first time sharing suicidal thoughts with you? Does he already have a therapist? You make it sound like he does. Does he have a history of such anxiety?

If not, I agree with others that this sounds put upon and he might be lying to you. It is very much overreacting (overacting?)

amother

Lawngreen

Mon, Nov 23 2020, 10:00 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

He didn't sleep well last night so makes semse that he was reactive.

It’s much more likely that he didn’t sleep well because of the anxiety.

amother

Periwinkle

Mon, Nov 23 2020, 10:41 pm

He sounds like a very anxious kid. Reassure him you love him and from one accidental inhale he wont be addicted. Then reassure him some more that he will be okay and you love him are proud of him that he cares about his health but want him to forgive himself, everyone makes mistakes and has accidents.

dovebird

Mon, Nov 23 2020, 11:07 pm

He found a vape? Was it used? I’m more concerned that he “happened to find a vape” and thought it was okay to use it. Who knows who used it before. Ew. Unless it was new or one of his friends and he said he found it.

amother

Tue, Nov 24 2020, 7:06 am

dovebird wrote:

Yes it was used. He was alone I think. And to everyone else, yes very sensitive and anxious.

amother

Brown

Tue, Nov 24 2020, 9:16 am

Wow that sounds like such a painful spiral! Hugs to you and to him!

And yes, this was DEFINITELY waaaaay beyond the pale. Any reaction that includes
1. hours of intensity
2. such distortion of thinking
3. ANY SUICIDAL THOUGHTS

is a huge red flag.... HOWEVER it is also a huge opportunity to address (both in your own mind and in a conversation with your son and his therapist) the intensity of his reaction (and his reactions in general) and how his black and white thinking can send him into such an agonizing spiral.

I am hardly a therapist but I have a gifted defiant kid and I can only humbly point out some things you may want to bring up:

1. People are human and VERY flawed. ImyH in his hopefully long life he will do some terrible things (hopefully by mistake - like this vape - and sometimes even NOT by mistake), and we want to come up with a thought pattern that will allow him to accept his human flaws and redirect his regret/charata into better choices ('teshuva' and 'kabbolo al ha'asid') without spiraling into thoughts of suicide because the guilt/shame/stress is so unbearable. This will be a priceless life skill that will serve him well his whole life! He is lucky to have had this experience now so that he can work on changing it at this point in his life - having a better thought pattern will make him feel a lot more secure and make life a lot less terrifying. This includes, but is not limited to, things like forgiveness, self love, lessening of rigidity etc - again, all things typical to our types of kids but things we must work on together to stretch and loosen for their future success.

2. Black and white thinking: why is it important to be able to say he 'never smoked'? Isn't the important thing to know is that he DOESN'T smoke now as a life choice? Would actually, mindfully smoking the vape mean that his life was over, or just that he had made a bad momentary choice? Why doesn't stopping after one suck make him a hero for rejecting something addictive instead of never having tasted it? What in the world is the value to having 'never smoked'? Even if there would be such a value (?!?!?) if it's causing him such mental pain, why is it important to maintain it? Why does it mean he smoked if he had no idea he was doing it? This is a fantastic opportunity to stretch his brain and perceptions, because the world is not a black and white place and he will need grey thinking to survive and thrive as an adult, even though it is frightening. He doesn't want to have other reactions as violent as this one again, but he will unless he can learn how to stretch out of that black and white mentality.

3. Safety. Why was he sucking something he did not understand? What if it would have been cocaine? Rat poison? Teens tend not to think ahead or of the consequences - and ADHD teens are exponentially much worse! Consider this is a thankfully low-grade call to action/opportunity to realize that this aspect of his personality can be gravely dangerous. I'm no expert on ADHD but this is another thing to add to the goal list - danger awareness and consequence consideration, so that he doesn't make a far more dangerous choice down the line that might lose him money, his business, his health, or his life G-d forbid.

4. coping mechanisms: This must have been agony for you and him both. I'm sure if you asked him he'd agree that he doesn't want to experience that painful spiral and despair again, but he will be confronted with choices/dilemmas/failures like this his whole life. Guide your son to imagine how wonderful it could be to have a toolbox of coping mechanisms to turn to instead of despair, suicidal thoughts, and self-loathing. Depending on your course of therapy, this may mean things like DBT skills, CBT skills, etc etc. These are skills that will be crucial to his happiness and can bring him peace in his internal and external world and will serve him his whole life long!

Sorry to be overwhelming. Sometimes with our kids life feels like one long overwhelming blur. I'm sending you tons of hugs and hugs and hugs. May Hashem give you strength and wisdom and a great therapist!!!

Anon only because my kid deserves their privacy