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Forum -> Relationships -> Simcha Section
Anyone else feels like this??



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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Nov 30 2020, 3:45 pm
I am Bh extremely grateful for what I have today including my husband and kids. My life was never a bed of roses definitely not easy at all.
Lots of not emotionally healthy people in my upbringing and although Bh Bh today I do have what to be thankful
For it’s still was never easy.

I feel like whenever I go to simchas (especially vorts, weddings) I guess you can say I “mourn what I didn’t have growing up”.

Its so hard for me to be fully happy inside for the people. I do want to add that I try very hard not to show it and I always embrace them with love and shower with blessings because I know how it feels when people aren’t “happy for you”. Been there done that. Anytime something good happened to me in my life (getting married, having kids) I always have family members that can’t be fully happy for me and just cause havoc.

I guess I just feel so sad for myself that I couldn’t have a normal engagement period and the excitement that comes along with your wedding. It was just filled with so much drama on all ends with both families (Bh nothing between my actual husband and I but anyone or anything else involved was chaotic.)

I’m like jealous for myself that I couldn’t experience anything normal like that and although today Bh I have the most amazing husband (even though he has difficulty expressing his love to me and words of affirmation are NOT his love language- I know and feel that he loves me fully and will do anything for me) but what should I say? It’s just so hard.
My childhood was not easy and my engagement/wedding time was absolutely torture.

Sorry for the rambling I guess it’s just good to write it out because I already feel a drop better. Most people who know me would never believe I feel this way because I put on such a good act but deep down I hurt so much when it comes to other people’s simchas Sad
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seeker




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 30 2020, 4:09 pm
I dunno, when I see pretty weddings I always assume a certain likelihood of behind the scenes drama. I mean sure some people pull it off beautifully, but this kind of event often stirs up something, and the casual observer will never know because they're looking at the gowns and makeup and smiles which are relatively easy to produce.
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amother
Brunette


 

Post Mon, Nov 30 2020, 4:24 pm
I really understand where you're coming from, OP.

I also married the most amazing person, and I feel like Hashem gave me a gift for the difficult childhood I went through. Like Hashem saw my pain and gave me something to make it better.

My husband tells me all the time not to look back. Don't look back, just look ahead. He's right, I tend to dwell and dwell and remember things I'd rather forget.

What helps is to remember that despite the perfect engagement, etc, that they have, their ultimate goal ISN'T the wedding or the engagement. The goal is to have a great marriage. It doesn't matter if their engagement was the proposal of the century or a hastily crafted "um, will you marry me?" It doesn't matter if their wedding was at the Taj Mahal, or with angry people on both sides in your backyard. It doesn't matter if the engagement ring is a golf ball diamond or a CZ chip. The goal is the marriage. At that wedding, at that engagement party, what are they really wishing for? To love their husband and have a good marriage.

And you? YOU GOT THE GOAL. You reached it! You're the success story they're all hoping for. Hashem gave you that present - that so many people find elusive - because He loves you and He's taking care of you.
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amother
Mustard


 

Post Mon, Nov 30 2020, 4:35 pm
yup yup yup yup
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Nov 30 2020, 4:44 pm
seeker wrote:
I dunno, when I see pretty weddings I always assume a certain likelihood of behind the scenes drama. I mean sure some people pull it off beautifully, but this kind of event often stirs up something, and the casual observer will never know because they're looking at the gowns and makeup and smiles which are relatively easy to produce.


Oh I totally hear and get that not everything I see is all roses and glam even if it looks like that on the outside.

I’m just saying there’s dysfunction and then there’s DYSFUNCTION-which is what I experienced. Not saying everyone else has it easy and I didn’t...

I guess I’m just expressing that it’s just hard to for me...
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Nov 30 2020, 4:45 pm
amother [ Brunette ] wrote:
I really understand where you're coming from, OP.

I also married the most amazing person, and I feel like Hashem gave me a gift for the difficult childhood I went through. Like Hashem saw my pain and gave me something to make it better.

My husband tells me all the time not to look back. Don't look back, just look ahead. He's right, I tend to dwell and dwell and remember things I'd rather forget.

What helps is to remember that despite the perfect engagement, etc, that they have, their ultimate goal ISN'T the wedding or the engagement. The goal is to have a great marriage. It doesn't matter if their engagement was the proposal of the century or a hastily crafted "um, will you marry me?" It doesn't matter if their wedding was at the Taj Mahal, or with angry people on both sides in your backyard. It doesn't matter if the engagement ring is a golf ball diamond or a CZ chip. The goal is the marriage. At that wedding, at that engagement party, what are they really wishing for? To love their husband and have a good marriage.

And you? YOU GOT THE GOAL. You reached it! You're the success story they're all hoping for. Hashem gave you that present - that so many people find elusive - because He loves you and He's taking care of you.


Thank you. Really appreciated this response.
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flowerpower




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 30 2020, 4:47 pm
Yes. It’s hard. It makes sense how you feel! Best tip I learnt in life is that we can only move forward. Not back. So instead of mourning the past we can aim to make our future better.
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ssspectacular




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 30 2020, 4:50 pm
I do relate to you, OP. It's painful when you come face to face with what you didn't have. Maybe you need to express your pain, grieve the unhappy childhood. You wrote that you felt better when you wrote it out. Think of how you can get the thoughts and feelings out.
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