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Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette

View latest: 24h 48h 72h

When I make a simcha I

want to save the leftovers for my own family and resent when people pack up 5-6 items

23%

[ 20 ]

don’t mind if people pack up as much as they want

48%

[ 41 ]

Don’t mind if people pack up as much as they want if they ask first

27%

[ 23 ]

Total Votes : 84

sigree

Mon, Nov 30 2020, 5:09 pm

Instead of the heated debate, let’s see some numbers.

amother

Seagreen

Mon, Nov 30 2020, 5:14 pm

I can't vote, since none of the options apply.

I'm usually not saving any of the goodies to take home(unless there's a sheva brachot coming up or something).

So I would vote, 'I don't mind if people ASK first at the VERY END of a simcha, and then pack up A FEW symbolic goodies (not 'as much as they want')'.

If at the very very end there really are a lot of goodies left over, I will warmly encourage the guests to pile it up. But not before. At that stage, it's usually only the very closest family left anyway. I usually send off the flower arrangements with them too.

I would find it weird if a guest would ask me in the middle of a simcha if he can pack five or six goodies to take home. I wouldn't say no, but it would be weird. If it's one guest, I would chalk it up to social awkwardness, but if many guests did it, I would not be happy that my goodies table is being depleted before the simcha is over.

I also gotta wonder - where do you put these goodies? Do the ladies all come with huge handbags? And who wants sticky treats in their handbag anyway? Or do you just leave a huge pile by your plate, so throughout the entire simcha everyone can see that Mrs. Cohen pilfered 6 fancy treats to take home?

Honestly I find this whole culture appalling, but I get that there are different norms in different circles. It's never happened at a simcha of mine, b'h.

flowerpower

Mon, Nov 30 2020, 5:17 pm

A smart host should always put away some stuff that she wants for herself in case everything goes. Like the Megillas Esther at someones wedding - and she couldn’t find any after the wedding.

amother

Slateblue

Mon, Nov 30 2020, 5:36 pm

flowerpower wrote:

A smart host should always put away some stuff that she wants for herself in case everything goes. Like the Megillas Esther at someones wedding - and she couldn’t find any after the wedding.

We had someone take full cake containers from the fridge. That were clearly put away...

flowerpower

Mon, Nov 30 2020, 5:38 pm

amother [ Slateblue ] wrote:

We had someone take full cake containers from the fridge. That were clearly put away...

😳😳😳

amother

Vermilion

Mon, Nov 30 2020, 5:56 pm

amother [ Slateblue ] wrote:

We had someone take full cake containers from the fridge. That were clearly put away...

OK, but that goes beyond rude or even being socially off. I would assume a person like that has mental health issues. Because that really is abnormal.

I have fortunately never witnessed really egregious examples of what people are describing. Mostly just people taking a few cookies or mini pastries wrapped in a napkin for their kids or an elderly grandmother with a sweet tooth, which as a hostess I would have no problem with. Sometimes I've seen people (usually kids) from poor or dysfunctional homes taking more, which I definitely have no problem with and would think it petty for someone to begrudge their taking some extra treats.

amother

Aqua

Mon, Nov 30 2020, 5:59 pm

Can you add- can take whatever they want, as long as it's at the end?

amother

Wheat

Mon, Nov 30 2020, 6:13 pm

amother [ Vermilion ] wrote:

Agreed. I remember my father sometimes coming home from something with a few (2-3) cookies wrapped in a napkin in his pocket for us kids as a treat. I don't think that's weird, but he's definitely a product of his upbringing by very frugal parents who grew up during the depression. I don't think I would do it now for my kids unless it was given out at the door on the way out.

iyar

Mon, Nov 30 2020, 6:16 pm

Another vote for take whatever you want, but at the end. I've never had anyone demolish the table at the beginning of a simcha but if they did I'd be upset. When I'm the hostess I'm sometimes the one to wrap up something for a guest to take home for her kids. When it's all over feel free to take what you want but better to ask first. Sometimes there's a party planner involved that wants her vases or platters back and you don't want to create a problem by walking off with those.

amother

Bronze

Mon, Nov 30 2020, 6:19 pm

I don’t consider taking a few cookies home “packing up” and that I have no problem with. Once it involves “packing up” I.e. more than wrapped in a napkin or a small disposable plate and requires multiple plates or pans, then I most likely don’t mind but would like to be asked first. Towards the end of a simcha I’m encouraging people to take as much as they’d like. But I feel it’s not socially appropriate to “pack food up” unless you asked or the Bal Simcha offered

amother

Blue

Mon, Nov 30 2020, 6:29 pm

Another vote for take what you want at the END

keym

Mon, Nov 30 2020, 6:31 pm

I'm ok if someone wants to bring home a few small things.
But use sechel.
If the sweet table has 20 engraved cookies and 20 mousse cups, then don't take those to bring home. They're obviously for the invited guests.
On the other hand, a bowl filled with dozens of cookies, you can take a few.

ExtraCredit

Mon, Nov 30 2020, 7:28 pm

At the end only if there’s plenty leftover.

Miri1

Mon, Nov 30 2020, 7:40 pm

You can take a few cookies, but don't demolish the table.
It's not so much that I want the leftovers, it's more that I want the tables to be well presented and plentiful for the guest that come.

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