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Forum -> Yom Tov / Holidays -> Chanukah
I can't handle this every single year!!!
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amother
Babypink


 

Post Mon, Nov 30 2020, 9:00 pm
Maybe just "zoom" into the party or facetime or whatsapp in tell everyone your sorry you can't be there in person but you wish them all a happy chanukah. I have skipped many parties, weddings, etc. as it wasn't good timing nobody has to know why you can just say we can't make it we miss you and leave it at that. It's your life and you have to be able to take care of your family at the end of the day it's just latkes . . ..
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amother
Aquamarine


 

Post Mon, Nov 30 2020, 9:33 pm
Hi, can I be Pollyanna here for a moment? sorry to be annoying here!!
I know your stressed about it, and being guilt tripped isn't fun at all!!
but how many people would love to be in your situation where you have TWO families to go to for Shabbos Chanuka? and TWO families are planning food/fun/games and pining for you to join?
in our case, for various reasons, B'H not terrible, we have none.
and to pollyanna myself, how many people would love to be in my situation?
a ton! B'H I'll be home Shabbos Chanuka with my husband and kids. and yes, all my neighbors will be packing up, traveling and stressing over WHICH party to go to!!
I will be putting on a big smile and I am planning a party for me, my husband and children Motzei Shabbos. and envisioning an empty block on Shabbos Chanuka.
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 30 2020, 9:40 pm
Deep breaths.

OP, remember how nice it felt to be validated on this thread?

That's how you can smooth things over without tying yourselves into knots.

Ask your mother if she ever felt torn between two sides of the family, and ask her how she handled it.

Somewhere in whatever story she shares will be a clue, something that you can validate, and that can help you to hold firm in a compassionate way.

You and DH have already made your plan for this year. You decided based on what fit best with your practical considerations, and your values, including what felt fair to you.
That decision is sound regardless of how anyone else tries their spin on the fairness angle.

If somehow your mother didn't hear in plenty of time that you wouldn't be able to attend this year, you can add on to the beginning an apology for not communicating more clearly.

Then say something to the effect of, "Mom, I hear how sad you are that we won't be at the Chanukah party this year. I know it really means a lot to you to have the whole family together, and this is the time you've always had everyone there. I wish I could clone myself! But I know that even though you're disappointed, you understand that sometimes, people just have to make hard choices. I'm glad you gave me the upbringing that lets me do what I feel is right, even if it's not what you would prefer I decide. Thank you for that! What do you think I could do to let everyone know how much I'm with them in spirit? Can I write a note you'll read?"
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amother
Honeydew


 

Post Mon, Nov 30 2020, 10:27 pm
but PANDEMIC
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amother
Red


 

Post Mon, Nov 30 2020, 11:11 pm
You ate the oldest you have to break the mold- by the time the others get married it will be a whole different ballgame and they will be doing what works for them- do your best but no need to tie yourself into knots
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heidi




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Dec 01 2020, 3:45 am
amother [ cornflower ] wrote:
Mom and mil here. I’m theone who always comes last because I don’t want my kids to deal with arguments and anguish. They let me know when the other side schedules and we work around it. And sometimes one couple can’t come. Such is life.
If your arrangement is to switch families every year, stick to it.

You cannot make everyone happy

Me too.
I am horrified at the juvenile behavior of the parents of OP and her husband.
OP you won't behave this way bcz. you know how it feels.
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amother
Jade


 

Post Tue, Dec 01 2020, 4:44 am
Hey OP,
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I totally get it because my in-laws are the same way.

My mother in law didn't speak to us for months because we went to my parents for a yom tov that she wanted us for🙄

I can only control my actions. Their reaction is on them. Do what you think is best. Act with respect. If they choose to react badly then its on them.
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SixOfWands




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Dec 01 2020, 5:53 am
amother [ Purple ] wrote:
I think your mother's idea is a good one.
Don't YOU want to see your brothers and grandparents?
But again, if this doesn't work for you, you can't do it

And STOP with the turn taking. Its never going to be even-steven. Every occassion should be viewed on its own merits. Of course you try to spend time with both, but if you say you're turn taking, you'll never finish fielding the complaints.


Actually, the opposite is true.

OP has established a completely fair method of determining where to go without playing favorites or starting a competition.

As to "don't YOU want to see ..." she's a married woman, and her husband wants to see and spend time with his family of origin as well. It was easy enough for her parents to figure out that if she was with them last year, she'd be with his family this year, and arrange the party for Sunday afternoon. They didn't. That's their choice, but having made that choice, they have to know that OP won't be there this year.
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amother
Vermilion


 

Post Tue, Dec 01 2020, 7:24 am
amother [ Aquamarine ] wrote:
Hi, can I be Pollyanna here for a moment? sorry to be annoying here!!
I know your stressed about it, and being guilt tripped isn't fun at all!!
but how many people would love to be in your situation where you have TWO families to go to for Shabbos Chanuka? and TWO families are planning food/fun/games and pining for you to join?
in our case, for various reasons, B'H not terrible, we have none.
and to pollyanna myself, how many people would love to be in my situation?
a ton! B'H I'll be home Shabbos Chanuka with my husband and kids. and yes, all my neighbors will be packing up, traveling and stressing over WHICH party to go to!!
I will be putting on a big smile and I am planning a party for me, my husband and children Motzei Shabbos. and envisioning an empty block on Shabbos Chanuka.


And here I was thinking, be glad you're not like me. My parents are divorced, which means every chag is a juggle between between THREE sides LOL
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amother
Azure


 

Post Tue, Dec 01 2020, 10:16 am
I had a similar situation when we first got married decades ago. The first year we went to my parents, the second his and then we decided to do our own celebrations at our own house. It was too stressful to visit during holidays especially after children came.
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SixOfWands




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Dec 01 2020, 10:31 am
amother [ Aquamarine ] wrote:
Hi, can I be Pollyanna here for a moment? sorry to be annoying here!!
I know your stressed about it, and being guilt tripped isn't fun at all!!
but how many people would love to be in your situation where you have TWO families to go to for Shabbos Chanuka? and TWO families are planning food/fun/games and pining for you to join?
in our case, for various reasons, B'H not terrible, we have none.
and to pollyanna myself, how many people would love to be in my situation?
a ton! B'H I'll be home Shabbos Chanuka with my husband and kids. and yes, all my neighbors will be packing up, traveling and stressing over WHICH party to go to!!
I will be putting on a big smile and I am planning a party for me, my husband and children Motzei Shabbos. and envisioning an empty block on Shabbos Chanuka.


I'm sorry for your situation. We too have no family throwing parties (not that we attend during covid in any case).

But your pain doesn't negate OP's, any more than her's negates yours. Its not a competition.
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amother
Aquamarine


 

Post Tue, Dec 01 2020, 9:42 pm
so true what you said!!
it's really not a competition and I've been in situations similar to OP's at different times in my life where you feel like you can't please everyone and no one is happy no matter what you decide.
But- sometimes I have found in life- and I've gone through very, very difficult things and I don't say that lightly- that perspective goes a long way.
sometimes when you step out of your box for a minute- you step out of your own challenge and put it against a larger perspective- you can see the blessing in your own situation.
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yksraya




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Dec 01 2020, 10:00 pm
I think you should just stay home and not go to either one. And when asked why, say that because none of them could change to a different day to accommodate your needs, you will just party at home.

If your Mil says it's her turn, say you no longer give turns, but do each time what works for you at that time.

You gotta cut the apron strings with both sides. If they see they can't control you anymore, they might actually work around in a way that will work better for everyone, if they want you to come.
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familyfirst




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Dec 02 2020, 1:34 am
Party or no party, please find a time to see your brothers. 1/2 year is a looong time.
I’m not for parents mixing in, but honestly I don’t see what’s so terrible to be my in laws for shabbos and drive over to next party on Motzei shabbos
It’s doable and the right thing to do

For any family to hold you hostage is wrong
I agree that every other year makes sense but gotta be flexible too


Forget the parents. How do the siblings feel knowing you have opportunity to see them and are not coming

And don’t think they won’t notice
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amother
Seashell


 

Post Wed, Dec 02 2020, 2:07 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Ty for the validation.

DH thinks that either way someone will be upset, so we should just do what's more convenient for us, and not drive the extra two hours, which ends up being his mother's way.🙄


But that's also your way, not packing up the minute shabbos ends, nor driving two extra hours, isn't it?
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