Taking home miniatures from simcha sweet table

keym

Wed, Dec 02 2020, 11:55 am

mandksima wrote:

I just don't get a simcha that is not made for your guests' enjoyment. Make a simcha where people can come and eat to their heart's content, take home any leftovers and don't put out anything that is so serious that if someone else takes it, it's devastating. I always make sure to slice one piece out from a whole cake so that no one will be embarrassed to start it. G-d forbid it should be leftover once sitting out for the guests. I love leftovers and would love to have them but I just wouldn't put it all out to begin with. Why put out anything that shouldn't be eaten because you're hoping to have it leftover for the next event? Just assume someone will come with "good intentions" of helping you finish all of your leftovers and be so happy with that. Otherwise, it just feels everyone is making events to look fancy and impress others and no one actually wants anyone to feel at home and satisfied on their dime. That takes away from the whole simcha as you'll constantly be checking the food tables to see what's left and monitoring any guests taking home plates. If price is the biggest issue, not just annoyance, then make a simpler affair. Honestly, now I feel I can never take a few homemade or fancy treats home. I don't eat carbs even, I take a few things home for my kids because I can't eat any of it. I'm not talking about weddings anyway as I never stay late enough for dessert and I wouldn't take anything home from a wedding. I'm talking bar/bat mitzvah mostly or a kiddush. Should be simple and fun. Sheesh.

Yes, some of these stories are ridiculous and rude but if you're bothered by them to this point, the way it was done left it open to these kinds of crazy stories. People are people, just enjoy your affair! Make sure people are told ahead of time what they are invited to.

I made an open-house Kiddush on Shabbos for my son's bar mitzva.
For my daughter's bas mitzva, we had a buffet-style come and go reception.
If someone comes, wishes mazel tov, takes 2 cookies, or a plate of sesame chicken (depending on the event). Then after 10 minutes, leaves with a plate stacked with goodies for her kids or whatever, it leaves me in the uncomfortable position of possibly not having any more cookies or fruit or chicken for my invited guests.
I solved the issue with bowls of rugelach and chocolate chip cookies on a side table and told my guests to bring those home to their kids.
But if I'm a guest, I wouldn't bring things home unless I was specifically told to.

southernbubby

Wed, Dec 02 2020, 12:16 pm

If I am invited to a meal in someone's house, I would assume that I am welcome to take a polite helping of each dish so that the hostess has enough for everyone and I don't assume that anything that is served is intended for me to take serve at home. Why do we assume that a baal simchas has different intentions? Yes the food is to be enjoyed by the guests at the simcha. If I would normally eat 2 cookies, it might be one thing if I took those 2 cookies home and another thing if I carted off a dozen cookies, or for that matter, ate the dozen cookies at the simcha instead of caring about cookies being available to other guests. It's about having consideration for others. It's about celebrating with the baal simchas. It's not about saving money on goodies for the kids that we left at home.
I agree with having cheaper goodies for people to take home to the kids and to politely inform guests that this is provided for that purpose and the fancy miniatures are for the invited guests. I agree that the baal simchas should not depend on having leftovers because the food is for the guests who attend. Ask the host or hostess for permission to take food to someone who was unable to attend.

amother

Red

Wed, Dec 02 2020, 12:27 pm

SixOfWands wrote:

No. Family got meals and seats at a table. Kids got boxed food and seats I don't know where. Bochurim and other assorted other B-listers got the hot buffet and chairs nearby without tables.

I think I would have been confused as well.

I don't get the culture of inviting some people to the simcha but not for the food.
Either you are invited or not. At least in my circles. If you are invited, there aren't first tier, second tier and third tier guests.
Everyone gets to eat the same thing.

amother

Red

Wed, Dec 02 2020, 12:32 pm

amother [ Cobalt ] wrote:

I clearly live in a different universe.
Either people are invited to the wedding or they are not, unless they are hired dancers to make the wedding more leibedick. (And yes, you still feed your hired staff).
If you don't want something eaten, don't put it out. We wanted benchers and cookies for Sheva brachot, we ordered an extra 25 and left them home.
It is apporiate to take home after the simcha what is left on your plate and what you would have eaten, but not cookies or miniatures for 15.
I have been to simchas where they have plates with either one personalized cookie or 3 small desserts on each plate. I have a plate, my husband has a plate -those I can do with as I like, I can even take my mom's if she doesn't want it, but no, you cannot clear a serving table-especially at the beginning of the simcha. That is tacky. Buy your own darn cookies.

This is exactly the way it is in my circles.
Everyone but the most socially awkward wouldn't dream of wrapping a plate of expensive cookies to take home (and yes I live in Israel and yes there are some very fancy weddings here among the secular and DL). In fact, I haven't seen even the most socially awkward do that.

Yes, if you are served one individual dessert or small individual plate you can take that home, though most people dont.
And yes, everyone who is invited to the wedding is invited equally and given equal food.

Blessing1

Wed, Dec 02 2020, 12:38 pm

amother [ Red ] wrote:

They're invited for food but not for the meal. There's a hot food buffet out for the people that are invited to dancing. This is so common. Most people don't invite all their friends, neighbors, colleagues and acquaintances for the meal.

watergirl

Wed, Dec 02 2020, 1:30 pm

SixOfWands wrote:

What is the difference between "a meal" and "a hot food buffet"?

Hoping that doesn't come off snarky. I really have no clue, and I'm curious.

I assume "meal" means you are invited to sit down, you will have a place card with your name on it, 3 or 4 course meal (roll, salad, soup, main, dessert etc), with waiters. Hot food buffet is the shmorg. You stand around awkwardly and try to find a polite way to eat sesame chicken and sweet and sour meatballs without dropping it on your nice clothes. You are given a small plate so you get the hint that you are not supposed to be eating an entire meal, just some bites.

keym

Wed, Dec 02 2020, 1:37 pm

watergirl wrote:

Yes. At my brother's wedding, only close family was invited to that 3 course meal, shortly after the chuppa (also only for close family).

After the meal, there was dancing.
The waiters put out a hot shmorg and a dessert table and drinks table.
Extended family and friends, including neighbors, classmates, 4th cousins and co-workers were invited for that last bit. Dance, take some kugel. Shmooze, take some sesame chicken. Dance some more, take a bowl of ice cream and a brownie.

It balances out the wanting to have a small wedding dinner (cheaper or way too many people to invite) vs not insulting people and wanting a large leibedig dancing.

SixOfWands

Wed, Dec 02 2020, 1:46 pm

I'm not really sure why this is so difficult.

You go to a simcha. You eat reasonably. If you see that there's only a small amount of a more expensive food, you don't pile your plate high with it so that others won't get, but you do feel free to go back for seconds, if there are any, after everyone has taken. You don't shove things in your pockets.

If you can see that there are leftovers after everyone has eaten, you can ask your hosts if its OK for you to take home. Or even before that if there's some special circumstance (my husband is quarantined and so sorry to not be here, do you mind if I take his favorite cookie home to him). Or your host can tell everyone that there are extras for the kiddies at home. There's nothing wrong with the b'aal simcha being that kind. But there's nothing wrong with concentrating on feeding the actual guests, either.

SixOfWands

Wed, Dec 02 2020, 1:48 pm

keym wrote:

Interesting.

Not really done in my circles, but I can see how its a nice way to balance the costs of a big wedding. Thanks to you (and others) for the explanation.

LovesHashem

Wed, Dec 02 2020, 1:57 pm

SixOfWands wrote:

Interesting.

Not really done in my circles, but I can see how its a nice way to balance the costs of a big wedding. Thanks to you (and others) for the explanation.

It's very common in Israel. I had good friends for the meal and after first dancing the rest of my classmates, coworkers, neighbors, and former teachers came. We kept it to 100 people a side for the meal I think. This includes the chosson, kallah, family, extended family, friends, and people you have to invite like neccesary people for the chupa, Rabbanim, boys Chavrusa/close friends, etc.

Its quite expensive to invite more.

keym

Wed, Dec 02 2020, 1:58 pm

SixOfWands wrote:

Interesting.

Not really done in my circles, but I can see how its a nice way to balance the costs of a big wedding. Thanks to you (and others) for the explanation.

It evolved, I'm guessing because of family sizes. This brother is the 2nd to youngest of 10. His kalla is the youngest of 12. Just chassan, kallah, their parents, siblings and siblings in law and nieces and nephews equalled 150 people. Never mind grandparents, aunt's, uncle's, first cousins of the C/k, rabbis, teachers, close friends and close neighbors.
A line had to be cut so the costs aren't insane yet the chassan and kallah can invite their roommates and close co-workers and chavrusos.
So this evolved.
The 2nd part- the dancing/shmorg is called Simchas Chassan Vkallah.
Traditionally an invitation will say Bedecken at 6, Chuppa at 7, Simchas Chassan Vkallah at 9:30. If there's a response card, that means I'm invited to the whole thing, if there's no response card, I'm invited for dancing. However, I can choose to stop by and kiss/wish mazel Tov for the chuppa instead. But I'm NOT invited for the dinner.

amother

Red

Wed, Dec 02 2020, 2:31 pm

LovesHashem wrote:

Only in haredi circles. I've never seen it anywhere else here.

amother

Blue

Wed, Dec 02 2020, 3:44 pm

SixOfWands wrote:

Interesting.

Not really done in my circles, but I can see how its a nice way to balance the costs of a big wedding. Thanks to you (and others) for the explanation.

To clarify: this was during covid. To keep it safe for immunocompromised family members, the meal was kept small. And this was stated clearly in the whattsapp invite. It wasn't to keep costs down or to try being cheap. It was to keep it safe for some special family members. We didn't even put a time for the chuppah as we didn't want extra people there.
The buffet was for friends who wanted to join the simcha. The plan was for the immunocompromised to stay back or leave by the dancing. Instead, people came earlier than requested and ate meals they weren't invited for.