What to do??? | Imamother

amother

Fri, Dec 11 2020, 4:59 am

Hi

I've posted about this before, but I would like to know what is the correct thing to do now...

Sooo, I'm a playgroup morah, and at the end of last year, a little girl was diagnosed with cancer. Bh, nothing serious, but she would need a year of treatment.
The family do not speak English and have no family in the country.
I started sending the family something for Shabbos every week, just to show that I'm thinking of them.

Now, the mother just sent me a cute gift with a nice card to show some appreciation.

But, do I call her to thank her? What do I say? And is this her way of saying that I should stop sending things in? Should I continue?

I just have no idea what the correct thing is!!!

Please advise!!

amother

cornflower

Fri, Dec 11 2020, 5:33 am

She probably just wants to show appreciation.
Now's the time people do that anyway
People don't like to always be at the receiving end. Here she has a chance to return your favor a bit
But I think you can ask her in a way that doesn't put her on the spot one way or another. Like I enjoy sending it so much is it ok that I continue?
Then you're at least giving her the chance to discuss it with you.
I think it's a beautiful thing you're doing and to me it seems like a thank you, not telling you to stop

amother

cornflower

Fri, Dec 11 2020, 5:48 am

Why not?
She sent it to you
She knows it's from you
Maybe she wants more of a relationship than accepting gifts from you. That doesn't necessarily mean she wants you to stop
I've been at the receiving end and I really appreciate when people think of me but I don't want to feel needy.

amother

Emerald

Fri, Dec 11 2020, 6:09 am

She is showing hakaras hatov
Since she doesn’t speak English I would think a heartfelt thank you at drop off would be fine
And I would keep sending wouldn’t read into it
And refuah shleimah to the little girl
Yasher koach!
Mi k’amcha yisroel!

amother

Fri, Dec 11 2020, 6:12 am

That was so awkward!!

We were both thanking each other in broken hebrew and not understanding each other very much😐

She said that her daughter only needs to go in once every 3 weeks now for a little bit and then she'll be finished

I told her like you said, that im happy to continue, but she then kept saying how she hopes it isnt hard for me/or too much...

Maybe I should just send her something bigger for next week and leave it at that?

amother

cornflower

Fri, Dec 11 2020, 6:21 am

I think I misunderstood
I didn't realize she's still coming to playgroup and you see the mother all the time anyway.
To me it still sounds like it was appreciation and she doesn't want to burden you but she now got the opportunity to tell you she's getting better so you dont need to feel like you should continue it when she's done her treatments....
Just guessing

Hatzlacha!!

FranticFrummie

Fri, Dec 11 2020, 6:30 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

she then kept saying how she hopes it isnt hard for me/or too much...

I wasn't there to see her facial expression or tone of voice, but to me it sounds like she still appreciates and needs, even if for just a few weeks more.

After the treatment course is done, you can send a note with the last package, telling her that she is free to ask again if she needs anything in the future. (Have someone translate the message into Hebrew for you, to prevent misunderstanding.)

amother

Fri, Dec 11 2020, 7:11 am

No no, the lid was in playgroup last year.

I called the mother on the phone.

You think I should keep sending? But I dont know when the last yreatment is... maybe I should send one more thing in and attatch a note that if they need anything they can always call me?

amother

Fuchsia

Fri, Dec 11 2020, 7:47 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

That’s a great idea.
Kind of like a good bye gift.

With a nice Bracha for health, and a “was so pleasant getting to know you, and I’d love to help out for Simcha in the future” Bla Bla.

trixx

Fri, Dec 11 2020, 8:21 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I think you're over thinking this. If you are able to and don't mind, keep sending things. When mom is truly done and no longer in need, she will take initiative and let you know. The gift now is just a token chanukah appreciation, not a thanks we're done gift. That will be once (imyh) she's in remission or clearly out of the woods.

Edit also... She will never call you. So it's a nice gesture but meaningless. As long as you can, keep giving.

amother

Jetblack

Fri, Dec 11 2020, 9:47 am

trixx wrote:

This.
Also, life doesn’t return to normal the minute chemo infusions end. It may even be more appreciated after treatment, while they try to put their life back together and transition to a new normal.

Last edited by amother on Thu, Feb 11 2021, 10:31 pm; edited 1 time in total

SYA

Fri, Dec 11 2020, 9:48 am

trixx wrote:

Agree with everything you said.
She may not feel comfortable asking if she needs. Between treatments does not mean the child is ok and themselves. They can be weak and feel sick for some time after. The parents have their have full.
If you're able to continue giving, they will let you know when it's not needed anymore

amother

Magenta

Fri, Dec 11 2020, 9:54 am

trixx wrote:

Wow OP! I remember months ago when you posted the first time...I can't believe you're still doing it, may Hashem repay you for your kindness.
In theory, I agree with the above, but I can't imagine sending something to someone week after week after week. If you can and want to though, WOW. Just wow. It's so beautiful.
(And I don't think it's meaningless to say to call when you need. I would never call either, but I'd appreciate knowing there's someone I can call, or who cared enough to offer.)

amother

Sat, Dec 12 2020, 12:16 pm

trixx wrote:

Ok, great.

Yes, I am overthinking this. The parents are from a different country, don't speak English and new to the neighbourhood and quiet!!! so I really don't know them so I just turned to all the wise imas to hear what you all think😃

So, bh it is not a dangerous cancer, she just needs treatment once every three weeks to get rid of the tumor. The kid is now back in school for a portion of time.

So you're saying to keep sending, that sounds fine

Thank you!!!

I appreciate everyone who responded!!!

SYA

Sat, Dec 12 2020, 7:41 pm

amother [ Mistyrose ] wrote:

as someone who's in the mothers shoes, if you're able to, keep sending. Its more appreciated than you can imagine.

May your child/family member have a speedy and complete refuah.