3yo bites me | Imamother

keym

Mon, Dec 21 2020, 7:48 pm

amother [ Sienna ] wrote:

I don't agree. I don't believe in potching/spanking or other forms of corporal punishment.
This, however, is a clear negative consequence- your mouth bites, you get pepper, you are about to bite again and mom says "no biting; remember the pepper?" and you remember the experience (given with comfort afterwards) and say hm no, I don't want to do that again.

I don't think it's confusing at all. It's conditioning. After once (or maaaaybe twice) the kid is not going down that route again.

AGAIN, this is in the context of an overall loving, warm relationship between parent and child. I am not advocating for abuse or corporal punishment in general. This is an isolated teaching tool for biting only.

Or you can have a kid like one of mine. Neuro typical but a daredevil and will never back down.
I was recommended to do pepper when I was younger and dumber.
He was 2 1/2 and bit me. I put a few grains of pepper on his tongue and said sternly "no biting". He looked at me for a minute, said yum, reached over and bit me again and then said "now give me a bigger spoonful".
He didn't like pepper. He was just too proud to back down, and would escalate if I let him.

In general, my experience is that it's not about language so much as maturity and understanding emotional language.
A child can express his needs I want a cookie.
He told me what he wants. I understood him.
Speech therapy will not be useful.
What he needs is the maturity and emotional skills to be able to say "I am very angry and disappointed, but I'm going to punch a pillow or something instead of biting Mommy or a friend."
That takes modeling, calm, and not physical punishment.

amother

Floralwhite

Mon, Dec 21 2020, 8:03 pm

amother [ Sapphire ] wrote:

You are absolutely right. There’s no way logic will work when your child is mid-tantrum. The only thing that works is connecting with him on an emotional level. Label emotions and sympathize. “You are so mad and sad. You want a cookie, and Mommy said no. And now you’re so angry. I’m holding you back so you don’t bite me, because I don’t let biting. You want to bite me because you’re upset that I’m not giving you a cookie.”
The tantrum will dissolve in a few short minutes, and then you can use logic

This is the latest neuroscience btw. By Dan Siegel.
OP read Janet Lansbury books, blog and podcast. Just start in her blog and search for biting.

amother

Sapphire

Tue, Dec 22 2020, 9:52 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I put him in his room for a time out with the door shut for a few minutes. While I calmed down. And then had my husband deal with him.

Did anyone explain to him that what he was doing was dangerous, and that you love him too much to let him get a boo boo? Did anyone explain to him that biting is unacceptable? Did anyone validate his feelings? Did anyone help him express himself in a healthier way? Or did y’all just take a break from him? And refuah shleimah on your stomach, btw

amother

Pearl

Wed, Dec 23 2020, 12:24 am

I Have to say this is an instance I would just smack him. I have a 3 year old, that’s way too big to be biting a mother hard!
...You can go on and on how I just taught him to hit, (I don’t agree 3 year old logic is equivalent to adult logic) but point is it stops the behavior from happening again, and he will forget about it by the time he’s grown up. Getting sent to your room is not enough of a punishment and this is very naughty behavior.
I’m sorry if you were looking for a politically correct answer.

#BestBubby

Wed, Dec 23 2020, 12:27 am

amother [ Pearl ] wrote:

AMEN!

A PARENT giving a kid a potch does not teach a kid to hit anymore than a Judge giving a person
a fine teaches a person to steal or being sent to jail teaches a person to kidnap.

Everyone, including kids, understands that parents have AUTHORITY. Can't Believe It

amother

Plum

Wed, Dec 23 2020, 4:05 pm

I think you have tried reasoning and helping him express himself. We are biologically wired to respond to pain and pleasure, and sometimes we need to take that approach. Given that you are obviously a very caring parent, you are unlikely to overuse spanking. In this case, it appears to be a legitimate form of shock therapy. I suggest two swats to his bottom with an open hand, which should sting but not be overly hard. Explain the reason for this before the punishment and give him a hug later.
Hatzlocha!

amother

Sienna

Thu, Dec 24 2020, 5:02 pm

This is exactly why I suggested the pepper idea. It's a clear correlation--your mouth bit and now your mouth gets a very strong response that you won't forget too soon.

OBVIOUSLY not pepper that will burn the child's mouth. But enough heat that it will make a statement. I'm talking a teensy tinsy dab of hot sauce.

I'm not into hitting since it just shows the kid that the parent is angry and doesn't show the kid anything about their behavior or teach them how to do anything differently. linking the biting punishment with the mouth, and if it's done right away, actually links more strongly in the brain.