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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children
Can you give teens consequences
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Dec 28 2020, 11:36 am
imasinger wrote:
I don't get it.

Your DS is B"H close to you, doing well in school, and in general a decent kid, yet you think somehow you spoiled him by not saying no to him or punishing him more when he was younger?

Spoiled kids are brats. They want everything, and have little consideration for others.

Your kid sounds like a mensch who wants an expensive coat, and deserves more of an answer than, "we can't afford it, now stop asking because I said so."

Why would you want to punish him?

Chinuch is education. How about if instead, you say, with kindness and love, "I hear that this coat is really important to you, but it's counterproductive to keep nagging and complaining for something once someone has said no. I'll tell you what, if you can go two weeks without mentioning it, I'll set a time at the end of the two weeks to listen to you and brainstorm together about it."


I do say that - I say it is not in our budget. But every day since 2 weeks ago he is seeing things around the house and saying - why did you buy sister this or that - isn't that not in the budget. So he cant accept a no. He also doesn't give up. I do empathize. I feel like I need to punish the not accepting no part. I've tried, if you continue I will walk out of the room. That works. But then we're back at it the next day.

P.S. - thank you so much for your amazing responses....
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Dec 28 2020, 11:36 am
behappy2 wrote:
Why does he need a consequence for pestering you? Can you just be confident with your no? I said no, if you ask me again I will not respond, this discussion is over.


Because he literally does not give up!!! I have other kids. I say no - we are done. With him. I say no and if he feels like it is not fair, he will not give up!!
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Dec 28 2020, 11:37 am
amother [ White ] wrote:
I don't have teens but the parenting book I'm reading says that all children should get an allowance. He can buy whatever he wants with his allowance. If he doesn't have enough money and asks for more you say "you will get your regular allowance at the regular time" and you could say "I'm sorry you don't have enough money to buy the coat you want".


I should do this. Thank you...
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amother
Pewter


 

Post Mon, Dec 28 2020, 11:37 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
yes Smile he is my oldest. I totally hear the natural consequence. Problem is he literally does not give up. I of course would not buy him the coat at this point because I said no and am sticking to the boundary. But when I say he won't give up - he is talking about this since chanuka on an almost daily basis. He cannot hear no. He is an awesome kid but if there is a boundary that he is not happy with he will literally not give up.


So instead of saying no, talk to him about it and find out why it's so important to him. Validate his feelings and maybe together come up with a plan of how you'd be able to eventually be able to get the coat. Maybe you can have him earn it in some way.
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Dec 28 2020, 11:38 am
amother [ White ] wrote:
Again, I don't have any teens yet.

But IMO he what would be most helpful is not giving a consequence and instead waiting until a time when you are both calm and happy and bringing up the subject in a casual way of "in life, people will always be told "no", and a healthy and successful person knows how to take "no" in a healthy manner" -- without suggesting that he himself doesn't know how to take "no" -- that way he doesn't feel criticized.

You could make up scenerios like "a man in the store yelled at another customer who wouldn't let him pass him in line... What do you think that man should have done instead of yelling?"...


Going to try this when things calm down. Thank you so much.
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Dec 28 2020, 11:39 am
keym wrote:
In general, teens can and should get consequences of the natural or at least very closely related nature.
You missed your bus? You come late or you pay the Uber. That kind.
In this case, I don't think an actual consequence is necessary.
You made a decision, you said no. If he asks again, you keep saying no.
You might want to say something about how you see how much he wants this, so it's on the top of your "wish list" you know. In case you win the lottery. But if he continues to pester you even after you said no clearly, maybe something else will go at the top of the list. But that would really depend on your relationship.

Also, in general it might be worth having some real conversations. My teen really wanted a certain kind of shoe and I kept saying it wasn't in the budget. Turns out he was more than happy to get cheaper shirts, pants, and goodwill PJs. He just really wanted those shoes. It was a fair consequence.


This is awesome - thank you so much.
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Dec 28 2020, 11:49 am
ra_mom wrote:
Sit down with him and have a real conversation. Find out why the coat is so important to him. You never know what a deep dive might bring out. Maybe he is getting picked on. Maybe that doesn't change what you can do because of your pocketbook. But you can step into his shoes and really feel what he's feeling. You'll be able to empathize with him. And maybe he can brainstorm and problem solve with you even without you getting him that new coat.
Just really communicate, find out what's really going on, and empathize.


Thank you for this - could be I wasn't going deep into why he needs it. I need to ask him to understand. Thank you so much.
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#BestBubby




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Dec 28 2020, 12:30 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Just to clarify- I feel that he actually does need a consequence- we have a very good relationship. I believe it stems from when he was little and I would try to not say no to him. He always had a hard time with no and consequences. How do I give a teenager a consequence?


YES!

Mothers who try to be "good" parents and follow modern parenting which often harms their child(ren)
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amother
Blush


 

Post Mon, Dec 28 2020, 2:36 pm
OP, I have a son the same age, who is the same way. Literally asking for something (expensive) over 20 times a day, for three months straight. It's very difficult. One time when it was a very expensive item, we made him earn the money to buy it but it was three months of NON STOP.
Another time it was a coat, another time it was something else. One time we gave in and severely regretted it.
It's just like being a broken record over and over. It's very frustrating.
The advice of saying "I'm sorry you don't have enough money," seemed to be the best to me.
Good Luck! I feel for you!
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amother
Smokey


 

Post Mon, Dec 28 2020, 2:48 pm
If the day might come that you will buy him the coat or that he will save up enough to buy the coat or the coat will be on sale, I might consider saying something like "Not yet" or "Not this week" or "We'll put it on the list" or "We can go half and half". That way, if he ever does get it, it won't be because he thinks he wore you down.
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Dec 28 2020, 2:55 pm
amother [ Blush ] wrote:
OP, I have a son the same age, who is the same way. Literally asking for something (expensive) over 20 times a day, for three months straight. It's very difficult. One time when it was a very expensive item, we made him earn the money to buy it but it was three months of NON STOP.
Another time it was a coat, another time it was something else. One time we gave in and severely regretted it.
It's just like being a broken record over and over. It's very frustrating.
The advice of saying "I'm sorry you don't have enough money," seemed to be the best to me.
Good Luck! I feel for you!


Thank you for the validation!
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Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Dec 28 2020, 3:03 pm
OP, some kids have a harder time with boundaries than others. It may or may not be rooted in your interactions with him re: boundary setting when he was younger. Could be he would be this way anyway.

I'm assuming he has a coat that is perfectly functional and fine, but wants a new one. That being the case, a new coat right now simply isn't necessary. This isn't so much about budgeting as it is about it not being necessary. Because if he didn't have a coat, I'm assuming you'd fit it into the budget.

I have a DD of similar age who wants a certain type of sock sneakers. She keeps bringing it up, and I keep telling her the same thing - that right now, she does not need another pair of footwear. She has enough. I told her that next time she will be due for new shoes - probably in the spring - she can get these if she wants them, but they will be instead of new sneakers or summer shoes, and she will have to either wear them all summer or use last year's pair when sneakers are appropriate.

I think it would be better for you to explain to your son the reason why that coat is not in the budget - because it's not necessary. If he has some reason why for him it IS necessary, then it can be up for discussion if there's some way for him to obtain/earn/save up for that coat.

I don't really believe in consequences for nagging. Home should be a place of open communication, where kids are encouraged to air their feelings. It sounds like he's stuck on something for some reason, and it's better to try to understand where this is coming from than to shut him down.
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amother
Lemon


 

Post Mon, Dec 28 2020, 3:05 pm
OP my 15 yr old son can talk anything to death. Even when I ask him to stop and that I'm done with the conversation, he will continue.
Fun to be 15.
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Dec 28 2020, 6:06 pm
amother [ Lemon ] wrote:
OP my 15 yr old son can talk anything to death. Even when I ask him to stop and that I'm done with the conversation, he will continue.
Fun to be 15.

Lol ty for the validation. Just out of curiosity were you good with setting bundaries with him as a kid, how about saying no? I keep coming back to that, that it's somehow my fault he is this way....
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behappy2




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Dec 28 2020, 6:12 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Lol ty for the validation. Just out of curiosity were you good with setting bundaries with him as a kid, how about saying no? I keep coming back to that, that it's somehow my fault he is this way....


Different kids have different natures. It's very possible that you didnt set boundaries bec he overpowered you, not the other way around. Also, not everythong is your fault Smile
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amother
Natural


 

Post Mon, Dec 28 2020, 6:49 pm
Let go of what was. It's wasted energy to pursue the past in this way, just puts yourself down with no upside, and is preventing you from seeing him as he is rather than as a part of a potentially incorrect narrative "spoiled by your mistakes etc"

Be in the now. Be in the present moment. It is what it is.


Trying to figure out something that has no answer is a trick of the yetzer hara and leads no where fast.

Be with him in the here and now. He is your oldest and in a totally different stage and phase. Focus on getting a handle from mentors of how best to parent teens. Teen boys in this case.
Find someone with whom you resonate and whose approach gets results you want.
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amother
Natural


 

Post Mon, Dec 28 2020, 7:21 pm
learning to parent teens may mean reformulating your question altogether
in many ways it is a different paradigm
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amother
Lemon


 

Post Mon, Dec 28 2020, 8:04 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Lol ty for the validation. Just out of curiosity were you good with setting bundaries with him as a kid, how about saying no? I keep coming back to that, that it's somehow my fault he is this way....

Absolutely I set boundaries with him. Too much. That was my mistake. He is my second child and I hadn't yet mastered the art of parenting- validating, empowering, empathizing. I was too harsh if anything, and the poor boy is sensitive. Now I am trying to reverse my mistake.
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