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-> Parenting our children
-> Our Challenging Children (gifted, ADHD, sensitive, defiant)
Kumphort
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Mon, Dec 28 2020, 10:02 am
I keep having this “argument” with my son who is 14
I keep getting frustrated with him for lack of planning. Not getting to bed on time.. not getting ready for school on time etc
He says. Why are you getting upset. I didn’t do anything wrong.
How can I explain that lack of planing is doing something wrong
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amother
Gray
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Mon, Dec 28 2020, 10:58 am
There is a concept of אונס, lit. "a forced situation," that comes from פשיעה, negligence, in halacha and in mussar.
If someone finds themselves in a position under which they must commit an aveira due to their own negligence, that is not considered the same level as an actual אונס, and they have culpability in the matter from a halachic and mussardik standpoint.
Lack of planning is considered negligence.
"If you fail to plan, you plan to fail."
I know this is not necessarily helpful for a 14-year-old in this format, but perhaps it could be useful when packaged somewhat differently.
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paperflowers
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Mon, Dec 28 2020, 11:11 am
What is wrong with lack of planning? Is he too tired to do what needs to do during the day? Is he coming to school late? Does he end up inconveniencing the rest of the family? Does he need to learn to be responsible for responsibility’s sake?
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seeker
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Mon, Dec 28 2020, 11:27 am
Is your goal here to win an argument or what? All this talk about whether it's doing something wrong sounds like the kid is feeling accused and defensive.
"Why are you getting upset?"
"Because I love you and I'm worried that you'll lose out in your health and education with these current habits, so I wish you would let me help you make a better plan."
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amother
Tan
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Mon, Dec 28 2020, 12:47 pm
It sounds like he's missing a skill. It won't help to punish him for it; what he needs is to be taught that skill in a way that works for him, and a framework that will help him practice the skill.
Otherwise, it's like punishing a first grader for not answering the questions correctly because he couldn't read the words.
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amother
Seashell
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Mon, Dec 28 2020, 9:55 pm
Thanks for providing clarity.
The truth is that he lacks executive functioning skills, so in a way I guess I should focus on getting him the help he needs in that area as opposed to getting annoyed when he doesn’t do it.
I guess part of the problem is how we see things differently. This year he started highschool where he can walk to school where previously he had to make a bus. So he was forced to make the bus on time. This year he feels so it’s ok if I am 15-20 mins later to davening I got there I am not doing anything wrong.
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