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Forum -> Parenting our children -> School age children
Preteen ds wants to learn past bedtime



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amother
OP


 

Post Tue, Jan 05 2021, 10:21 pm
I'm not really unsure if what we do is right, because it's how we run our family. I'm just curious what others do...
My 11 year olds bedtime is in bed by 9:30, lights out by ten. Today he was begging to stay downstairs past 9:45 (already late) because he wanted to learn more. That's absolutely wonderful that he wants to learn, we are so happy bh! But, he struggles to get up on time in the morning, every single day. If we were to let him stay up later (even learning), it'll make the morning doubly hard.

What would you do? Just out of curiosity...
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amother
Jade


 

Post Tue, Jan 05 2021, 10:28 pm
I allow my 12 year old to learn more, provided he is otherwise fully ready for bed (teeth brushed, no last minute "oh, I have to ....."), And only so long as I don't have a problem in the morning. If Tuesday morning is a problem, Tuesday night there's no discussion, and if Wednesday is a problem again/anyways, bedtime moved up 10 minutes. Regardless of anything.
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amother
OP


 

Post Tue, Jan 05 2021, 10:35 pm
amother [ Jade ] wrote:
I allow my 12 year old to learn more, provided he is otherwise fully ready for bed (teeth brushed, no last minute "oh, I have to ....."), And only so long as I don't have a problem in the morning. If Tuesday morning is a problem, Tuesday night there's no discussion, and if Wednesday is a problem again/anyways, bedtime moved up 10 minutes. Regardless of anything.


Thanks...

By us, my ds's mornings are usually an issue. Though we try not to blow it out of proportion. For example- his alarm is at 7:40. He doesn't get out of bed till 8 usually. He's not downstairs till 8:20-30. Scarfs a small breakfast, grabs snacks and water and on a good day is in the car by 8:40... Can't Believe It

But that was a ramble... It was really the evening I was wondering about.
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amother
Lemon


 

Post Tue, Jan 05 2021, 10:36 pm
Why so late? Let him start earlier instead of something else.
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amother
Dodgerblue


 

Post Tue, Jan 05 2021, 10:44 pm
I wouldn’t let my 11 year old stay up later. Rather, I’d say, you can get up earlier to study.
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amother
OP


 

Post Tue, Jan 05 2021, 11:12 pm
amother [ Lemon ] wrote:
Why so late? Let him start earlier instead of something else.


That would be great if he started earlier! He's not that efficient yet with his use of time. He is very proficient at spending his early time on more playing activities, then leaving the more important things for after supper or even later... So, yeah, it's an issue... We are working on it. No great ideas yet that has created any changes...
Open to ideas!
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amother
Cerise


 

Post Tue, Jan 05 2021, 11:54 pm
I would not let my 11 year old stay up past 9:45 to learn. Maybe once in a while as an exception. He knows it's the only way you might let him stay up Smile It's like when my kids refuse to help all evening and suddenly from 9-10 they're begging me for more jobs!
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amother
OP


 

Post Wed, Jan 06 2021, 9:39 am
Thank you for your replies!

Even though I was ok with our decision, I'm glad I have like minded replies. As it happens, I wouldn't have let him stay downstairs past 9:30, but he told my husband he wouldn't read in bed, he wanted to learn a little more instead. My husband was ok with it, till 9:45. Then the fireworks started cuz he wanted more time Wink
It was definitely more of an exception then a rule.
I need a little bit of quiet time with my husband or by myself before I go to bed! No idea what we will do as he gets older and goes to bed later...
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little neshamala




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jan 06 2021, 9:45 am
I dont know....not an easy decision, and I hear your very valid reasons for sending him to sleep...
But if I have to be truthful, I would probably let him stay up.
Only for Torah learning.
If he is truly learning, not using it as an excuse to stay awake. If hes actually sitting and learning, then I'd let him....the power of Torah learning is so huge...and I would make sure he realized the reason im letting him stay up is because of how powerful every second of Torah learning is.
But thats just what I'd do. I totally understand everyone saying they would send him to sleep
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amother
OP


 

Post Wed, Jan 06 2021, 11:27 am
little neshamala wrote:
I dont know....not an easy decision, and I hear your very valid reasons for sending him to sleep...
But if I have to be truthful, I would probably let him stay up.
Only for Torah learning.
If he is truly learning, not using it as an excuse to stay awake. If hes actually sitting and learning, then I'd let him....the power of Torah learning is so huge...and I would make sure he realized the reason im letting him stay up is because of how powerful every second of Torah learning is.
But thats just what I'd do. I totally understand everyone saying they would send him to sleep


I appreciate your point of view and would like to say I agree with it in theory... But practically speaking, having him stay up late is not so ideal. Not so much that I don't get my "me" time. It's the biggie if him waking up late and shlepping in the morning. Plus, he doesn't learn on his own, my husband learns with him. So that also means my husband is not eating dinner till 10... Plus, it also means my husband doesn't do his own learning till after dinner, if he's lucky not to fall asleep... (He works all day). So, while ideally my son's learning means a lot, there other things to keep in mind.
Thanks for sharing!
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amother
Lemon


 

Post Wed, Jan 06 2021, 11:28 am
My sons bedtime is more of an approximate time frame and I’m not too rigid about it. That being said if he wants to learn after he comes home he knows to start at 7 or 8. 9 is time to get ready for bed.
If it’s that important to your son let him make it a priority not use it as an excuse to extend bedtime.
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little neshamala




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jan 06 2021, 11:31 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I appreciate your point of view and would like to say I agree with it in theory... But practically speaking, having him stay up late is not so ideal. Not so much that I don't get my "me" time. It's the biggie if him waking up late and shlepping in the morning. Plus, he doesn't learn on his own, my husband learns with him. So that also means my husband is not eating dinner till 10... Plus, it also means my husband doesn't do his own learning till after dinner, if he's lucky not to fall asleep... (He works all day). So, while ideally my son's learning means a lot, there other things to keep in mind.
Thanks for sharing!


Yeah, definitely makes a difference if he's changing your husband's schedule as well
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amother
Rose


 

Post Wed, Jan 06 2021, 11:35 am
Can you tell him he can wake up and learn from 6:30-7:30 instead? That way he is up in the morning.
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Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jan 06 2021, 11:42 am
I will say this as the wife of a serious learner: At age 11, I would NOT allow my child to stay up late, even to learn. At that age, he should get the max hours of sleep and get up on time for school. It is healthy for him at this age to develop in a normal manner, and he should get the requisite amount of sleep.

Tell him that there were huge Gedolim who held this to be the proper chinuch. I know this to be true. I heard this in the name of R' Yosef Chaim Sonnenfeld, but I also know there are others. It's not his job now nor Ratzon Hashem for him to stay up beyond his body's capacity. B"EH he should hold on to that Ratzon and apply it during the day, but not to stay up late.
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amother
OP


 

Post Wed, Jan 06 2021, 11:42 am
amother [ Rose ] wrote:
Can you tell him he can wake up and learn from 6:30-7:30 instead? That way he is up in the morning.

I wish! He has a hard enough time as it is... But in any case he learns with my husband in the evening, in the morning my husband is not available.
Thanks
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amother
OP


 

Post Wed, Jan 06 2021, 11:49 am
Chayalle wrote:
I will say this as the wife of a serious learner: At age 11, I would NOT allow my child to stay up late, even to learn. At that age, he should get the max hours of sleep and get up on time for school. It is healthy for him at this age to develop in a normal manner, and he should get the requisite amount of sleep.

Tell him that there were huge Gedolim who held this to be the proper chinuch. I know this to be true. I heard this in the name of R' Yosef Chaim Sonnenfeld, but I also know there are others. It's not his job now nor Ratzon Hashem for him to stay up beyond his body's capacity. B"EH he should hold on to that Ratzon and apply it during the day, but not to stay up late.


Amein!

Bh he usually goes to bed on time, this was more like an anomaly. Iyh it won't become routine Smile
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Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jan 06 2021, 11:52 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Amein!

Bh he usually goes to bed on time, this was more like an anomaly. Iyh it won't become routine Smile


OK that's fine, sort of like staying up once in a while to prepare for a test....not something to do on a regular basis.

You should have alot of Nachas from him.
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amother
Salmon


 

Post Wed, Jan 06 2021, 11:59 am
I had a similar issue with a 9-yo who wanted to stay up late and daven maariv on time.

I didn't let him, and it definitely decreased his enthusiasm.

If I could go back in time, I would have let him stay up late, but started to have conversations about the importance of sleep in serving Hashem.
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