Please help with teenage years! Best tip and best course?

amother

Wed, Jan 06 2021, 1:20 pm

Please help with your best tip in getting through teenage years. I can't stand the peer pressure and the narrowness of the cultural norms. There is no room for choice. Everything is a must and it is really getting to me.
What is your best tip?
And what is best parenting course specifically addressing this that would be accessible to me?

Also if anyone knows a rav or rebbetzin in US tri-state area that is particularly helpful in this area I can private message you if you post here because at this point I need someone to help me on the spot to get on track in a way I am not so overwhelmed to tears!

amother

Tangerine

Wed, Jan 06 2021, 1:33 pm

I don’t think you can convince a teen to ignore peer pressure and following the crowd
You can talk about it.
Model it. (I think of the kichel comic where the mother tells the kids you dont need what everyone else has. And then looks exactly like all the other mothers - same dress, wig style, purse, necklace...)
You also have to decide if this battle is worth fighting. It may just not be worth it.
But can’t force it.

I find the same tools work well as younger kids - active listening, natural consequences, listening, loving, patience and tefillah

amother

Honeydew

Thu, Jan 07 2021, 4:38 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

What's happening is the peer pressure in my childrens' lives is leaving me to feel I can no longer make parental decisions and the society has too many demands that are too controlling. It is impacting my quality of life greatly.

In which case, the problem is not with your teens but with your community.

All teens, in all settings, look to their peers rather than their parents. That's a healthy developmental stage. But it sounds like you're describing something else.

Are you feeling like your community is too overbearing? Are there ways to lessen this pressure? Are you interested in moving?

Teens do have a need to conform to what they see around them. Adults should be in touch with themselves to the point that they can make independent decisions.

imasinger

Thu, Jan 07 2021, 7:24 am

Are you the OP of the thread about midwinter break?

If your issue is what to do when your teens complain because of peer pressure to do something that is outside your budget or your values, here are a few pointers. These are based on shiurim on parenting teens (I'm not in the tristate area, but I bet many parenting experts who are offer classes on teens too), books (I'll list a few below), and personal experience.

1. Listen and hear them out. "It sounds like you're really concerned with how this looks. Have you been noticing it's gotten harder to fit in than before? Can you see who's the queen bee driving the changes? Who has been unfriended by the group, and how are they doing?"

The point of this is to gather information, and to help them engage their logic as they categorize information.

2. Reflect. Use your empathy, show understanding, validate the feelings. This is key. You don't address the details, you focus on showing that you understand the emotions. "I understand, it sounds somewhat scary that if you don't do certain things, you become an outcast. You must feel really trapped sometimes, and really great other times, when you're accepted or looked at positively.".

3. Do a few exchanges of asking questions, and validating the emotions of the answers. Ask if there's more you're missing. When your teens seems to think you understand, you're ready to move to the next step.

4. Calmly explain your values and position. Use the language, "In our home/family, we..." Acknowledge that adults get peer pressure, too. State the rules, and the reason for them. ("We are very careful about exposure to Covid because..." "We don't have as much income as others in your school, and the reason we make these choices is...")

5. Don't issue an ultimatum, or cave in, and don't try to solve their problems without them. Offer to brainstorm with them to find a workable solution. Where and how could there be a creative compromise? Start by listing all solutions, including giving in to peer pressure, and staying home doing nothing. But push for more than those two options. Once you have a list, work together to evaluate the choices, and choose a workable option. Maybe they can earn money to pay for something outside the family budget. Maybe, once you have changed the dynamics so they're no longer projecting their internal conflict about fitting in all onto you, they'll be more open to a realistic option, a chesed opportunity, whatever.

I don't promise this will work. But it increases the odds in your favor.

Some good books to read (based on your post, I'm thinking you're dealing with a MO HS, where patterns more closely mirror the secular world, and non Jewish books are helpful).

You can Google Amazon's top selling books on parenting teens for more.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B008.....psc=1

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B000.....psc=1

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B004.....psc=1

amother

Teal

Thu, Jan 07 2021, 7:55 am

I start when my kids are young. I make them feel special when we do fun things.

When my kids come home and say "everyone".... I ask them to name 5 kids. They never get past 2.

When we go on vacation I remind them not to talk about it to much. Its not not to make others jealous.

When my kids talk about their friends grand trips I remind them that they go to sleepaway camp for a full summer, most of their friends go maybe for 1 half. My kids friends only found out in camp, not before.

As my kids get older we discuss spending money that we have, and budgeting. Bh my boys and girls learned this in school. They have a Mesilla program.