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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children
Teen seeking independence -- how young is too young?
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ironysupp




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Feb 11 2008, 4:24 pm
My DD is turning 14 this week and I have let her go to the mall with friends during the day only and as long as one of them had a cell phone. My daughter tells me that many of her friends complain bitterly that their parents won't/don't allow them to "do anything" without the parents, and it can breed resentment and, depending on the kid, rebellion later on. The streets are not teeming with pedophiles. Our scare-mongering media has made us afraid of everything and has exaggerated the real threats that DO exist. If you feel your daughter is reasonably mature, but you don't feel she needs a cell phone, why not let her go to the mall during the day and give her your phone so you can be in touch? If you are in a reasonably safe area, and she checks in with you, it might go a long way toward making her feel that you trust her, which will become increasingly important as she moves further into her teen years.
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amother


 

Post Mon, Feb 11 2008, 8:32 pm
Quote:
DD is desparate for a cellphone and I have rebuffed thusfar as I think she wants one for status rather than needing one. So unless something changes and she needs one she's not getting one yet.


even if she wants it for that, I dont see anything wrong. I feel whoever has a cell phone is just more safe. its always good to have a cell phone in case of emergency imo. that doesnt mean kids need one. I just dont think
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grin




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Feb 11 2008, 10:47 pm
Imaonwheels and shanie5 - right on target!!
cellphones can make you safer, but they can also open a Pandora's box of unsupervised opportunities, otherwise off-limits (unless it's limited to only call and receive from your phone, and has no texting or internet access)
in general, "everyone's doing it" is never proof that you should be too - it's either simply not true (what I've usually discovered, after a little more questioning, like naming who this elusive "everyone" is exactly), or other mothers don't have enough backbone, or maybe your child (or you) just isn't, or shouldn't be, like "everyone", and it certainly doesn't make it right.
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Imaonwheels




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Feb 12 2008, 12:57 am
Concerning cellphones, they are a 2 edged sword. The only reason my kids own one is that they have to travel from yishuv to yeshiva. The RY collects them when they get there, school rule is none. We have an exception because of where we live.

When I send my 12 yr old to Y-m by himself we def give him a phone. But it is not his phone and dh takes it back when we get home.
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Akeres Habayis




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Feb 12 2008, 4:40 am
I think in israel it is different,datiim who have given a cell phone is bc of the distance children have to travel for school and of course knowing where our children are at all times if G-d forbid something happens in the area etc. there are kosher cell phones even in chutz l'eretz.
if u trust your 13yrs old there isnt' anything wrong w/going out with friends as long as they are ALL girls u approve of,
or as someone suggested be the mom that drives everyone,be at the mall,not necessarily w/them but around(I did this when my 20yr old was 13).the first time my dd was nervous that I would check up on her,(which I did) but she didnt know.when we would pass each other in the mall,I would show her and her friends what I bought and ask them if they were hungry...my treat!! the girls didnt feel that I infringed on their fun and my dd realized that it wasn't so bad that I happened to be in the same place as her.
tell your dd u will do it as a trial basis and if u feel she has taken advantage of your trust in her,all bets are off!!
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tovasmom




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Feb 12 2008, 6:47 am
My dd just wants a cell phone not because she "needs" one, but because she wants one. She is at a stage where she is very into "things" and frankly, we do not have the finances to keep up with her wish list. But at the same time, this does not stop her from wanting things and each thing is negotiated on a case by case basis. She knows that if a request is backed up by a good reason, and it is feasible, I will not say no just to be arbitrary, so in that respect, I don't think she is at this time becoming resentful because I say no. And if I have a reason to say no, I articulate it, as well. And she is moody,sometimes, and gets upset like a regular teen. But sometimes I think we are afraid of our children, afraid of them getting upset and doing something bad because we didn't accede to demands. I believe that limits need to be set with children and if not, there is no chance that there will be any discipline at all. And I am hearing less of the everyone is allowed to.... line from her lately because I think she is realizing that too much freedom when you are 13+ does not make sense, either. We live in Flatbush and her street sense in terms of dangerous situations is pretty well developed and sometimes I think she would rather I be around, not visible, but around, just in case a situation develops.
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bigdeal




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Feb 12 2008, 7:52 am
Op to answer your question
1. the cellphone- there are koshe phones ( no texts- which avoids half the problems) AND check the school policy- many schools dont allow it-

2. skating aviator saturday night- a huge no- no

I teach in a very "normal' middle of the road school with quite an open minded parent body and it is extremely against the rule - with DUE reason
the girls come in groups and the guys come on groups- and I have seen what goes on there- so unless you wanna babysit.........

3. Night get- togethers- first- check your school policy
and again unless you know where she is , have a HOME number that she can be reached ( with a responsible adult there) then nope

But
there are a million other ways she could have a good time
pizza ice cream
shopping with supervision
volunteering at nursing homes ( yes with a grp of girls its fun)
bowling ( with supervision)
also: mini amusement parks ( like hoops n hypes)
G'Luck
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Imaonwheels




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Feb 16 2008, 10:40 pm
Yes, standards are very different for Israeli charedim. Most girls until sem clothes shop w/Mom (who is paying and deserves a say) or with approved good friends in the frum neighborhood. Hanging out anywhere is frowned on. Girls get together but at homes or organized events. The organisation can be the girls planning for themselves.

The mall or midrechov is a place you go if you have to get to a store there. You buy what you need and leave. You don't go there at night.

Boys of the relative ages are in dorm with a long day schedule. When my oldest ds went to a very good yeshiva there was a derogatory statement that the boy 'goes into town'. Worries about hanging out start in yeshiva gedola (18) when they give boys more freedom.

Yes, living in a yishuv I have 1st hand experience that in the DL community it is different. Trips to the Golan of 3-4 HS boys alone. Out of school early and even in dorm they do not ask the kids where they are going. But there mixed socializing is mostly appoved of. I was the wicked witch of the west for forbidding unchaperoned trips until after yeshiva katana or girls going to Y-m w/o good reason to the midrechov. We all lived through it.
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TzenaRena




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Feb 16 2008, 10:50 pm
Quote:
Most girls until sem clothes shop w/Mom (who is paying and deserves a say) or with approved good friends in the frum neighborhood
What's your opinion about how a girl (13) uses her babysitting money?
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grin




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Feb 16 2008, 10:54 pm
TzenaRena wrote:
Quote:
Most girls until sem clothes shop w/Mom (who is paying and deserves a say) or with approved good friends in the frum neighborhood
What's your opinion about how a girl (13) uses her babysitting money?

I use the kids' own sense of responsibility in general as a judge, not nec. age. Does she wake herself up for school, make her own sandwish, do her homework w/o you having to remind her?
Do you know the freinds she's gong with? Is she usually trustworthy?
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Tefila




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Feb 16 2008, 11:51 pm
Quote:
What's your opinion about how a girl (13) uses her babysitting money?

A portion of it should go to her account if she has one. And the rest she should use for her 'extras' that you both can agree upon.
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