Angry 13 year old | Imamother

amother

Thu, Jan 14 2021, 8:12 pm

I have a son that is so much like me. Smart, feisty, school and friendships seem easy for him. However, he's argumentative and difficult. He can twist everything I say, and use it against me. He demands expensive items, like clothing and toys. Initially, since I grew up with parents who had no money, I was aghast. But I was told by chinuch experts that some kids "need" things and we have to give it to them.

Lately, I realized that all the good things he has in his life aren't enough, and he's angry at me for not giving in and giving him more. So I pulled back. I thought maybe I was spoiling him, and it wasn't making him into a good person. I stopped driving him everywhere, insisting that he has to be independent and get himself there. When he tears his pants, I don't rush to buy him new ones. When he demands a new game or pair of fancy shoes, I say he has to contribute with his money.

So now he tells me I "treat him like garbage."

He talks to me like I'm beneath him, most of the time. My husband and him have a better relationship. My husband is calmer, and I can't figure out his trick. I suspect it has to do with him not being home most of the time. With me, he gets upset if I don't do things his way. Nothing I do seems to help.

Recently, I discovered he behaved like this to one of the (female, english) teachers in his school. I was horrified, and my husband and I scolded him. Technically, my son is in the right, but in my mind, middos is far more important than any grade. I don't care what grades he gets -I want him to be a kind person. But he is not kind.

I don't like fighting. I don't like arguing. I offered for us to go out together, but he says he doesn't want to spend any time with me. We just had a family chanukah vacation, and he easily forgets how amazing it was, saying that I don't work hard enough to give him the things he wants. I work full time.

I really don't know what to do. He hates hugs and kisses. He seems to hate ME. I'm so sad. He has so much potential, and my husband is the kindest person alive. I feel like somehow this is all my fault. Maybe I'm too strict, too harsh on him, and I should give in more?

Zehava

Thu, Jan 14 2021, 8:22 pm

So you seem to be taking all of his testosterone-fueled mood swings, dysregulation, and immature behavior way too personally. You need to take a giant step back. Emotionally.
He’s a 13 year old child not your equal. You don’t need his stamp of approval. He doesn’t always have to be happy. You’re not responsible for making sure he’s always happy.
You figure out what your role is as his mom, independent of what he says, and go ahead and do that. When he complains, listen, empathize, and stick to the boundary you set.
Good luck!

amother

Powderblue

Thu, Jan 14 2021, 8:26 pm

Zehava wrote:

It sounds to me that op is concerned about his aversion to having a relationship with her. It's very painful when a child truly seems to dislike a parent and only finds fault with that parent.

thunderstorm

Thu, Jan 14 2021, 8:26 pm

This sounds exactly like my 14 year old. As far as I understand this is considered normal behavior for teenagers. I used to think that I’m doing something wrong. Then my DH pointed out to me that we were just lucky that our two oldest didn’t act like a typical teen and that this son is finally acting like one. I believe he will outgrow it and mature . It’s a hard stage for a boy to be in.

Zehava

Thu, Jan 14 2021, 8:29 pm

amother [ Powderblue ] wrote:

It sounds to me that op is concerned about his aversion to having a relationship with her. It's very painful when a child truly seems to dislike a parent and only finds fault with that parent.

There is an unhealthy dynamic between them, where she is trying to please him and takes responsibility for his happiness and he therefor is feeling insecure needing more and more. When she pulls back he lashes out. She also doesn’t validate or hold space for his negative emotions. It’s hard to have a genuine connection with those dynamics in place.

amother

Thu, Jan 14 2021, 8:40 pm

Zehava wrote:

I was hoping you'd chime in here. I've seen you on other parenting posts, and I was curious about your take on this. I thought maybe you'd say something like, "never argue back, just give more love" or something like that.

I like what you're saying. I also think I don't empathize enough. If he's upset that I didn't drive him somewhere, I kind of say something like "that's how I grew up, and many kids in the neighborhood grow up this way too." I feel like if I said, "Oh, I know it's hard, and I'm sorry," he'd use it against me to say that I must hate him to not drive him where he needs to go.

But I need to work on the empathy part. I also remember being angry that I always had to take buses or get rides with friends. I understand my parents more now.

amother

Thu, Jan 14 2021, 8:42 pm

Zehava wrote:

How do you validate negative emotions without letting them grow and fester? It seems like the more I commiserate, the more he feels vindicated and therefore the "unfairness" of it all seems insurmountable. Like the anger feeds on itself.

One day, he had a rough day. I listened, then asked him to tell me one good thing that happened that day. He couldn't think of one, and yet when I pointed some out, he repeated how awful the rest of the day was. And he couldn't get past it.

amother

Thu, Jan 14 2021, 8:43 pm

thunderstorm wrote:

Wow, thanks for this! It's true, my other kids are not at all like this! They have my husband's personality. People pleasers.

amother

Gold

Thu, Jan 14 2021, 8:44 pm

OP he is pushing your buttons. Take a step back and breathe. Kids this age know how to manipulate our emotions, I've got one too.
Skip the guilt he is feeding you. Learn to see through his nonsense and you'll realize what he's doing.
My son also likes expensive things, he can keep dreaming. If he wants something very badly I ask him to pay half and suddenly it's not so worth it for him anymore.
Sometimes I purposely get him a bit of a fancier shabbos shirt or shoes because it's important to him to look nice. Within reason. For the longest time he asked for designer socks and underwear. I ignored it.
Now he tells me that the only thing he cares about is fighting. He knows I hate violence. He says it to see my reaction. To push boundaries and see what he can get away with. Instead I smile and tell him he's cute.
Don't fall in to his manipulative trap and his anger will dwindle.
I'll bet he wouldn't do his shtick to your husband because a man would see right through it. But he tried it out on the female teacher in school, because it works on his mother.
Best is to rise above, make it a nonissue. Instead of spoiling him and expecting gratitude, find ways for him to feel useful. Bring out his talents so that you can compliment him easily. Reflect his goodness back at him and it will keep shining through.
It's not easy I know. But it's doable.

ra_mom

Thu, Jan 14 2021, 8:51 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Feelings are feelings. There's no right or wrong.
Try to get down to his level. Slip into his shoes and feel his pain. Remove yourself from your own emotions. And just be compassionate to his feelings. "You must be so disappointed that you couldn't get X." Try to relate to his feelings. "I remember how hard it was for me when I was about your age and everybody was wearing X, and I knew my parents wouldn't get X for me".
When your compassion comes from deep inside you and is real, he will feel it. And will accept it. When you're trying for empathy, trying with words, those sensitive souls don't accept it. I find they even get angry. They can feel when you've really reached compassion.
Empathy will better your relationship. You'll feel closer to him. He'll feel closer to you.

Last edited by ra_mom on Thu, Jan 14 2021, 9:42 pm; edited 2 times in total