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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children
Teen boys sharing trashy videos with each other
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Jan 18 2021, 7:02 pm
Yeshivish family here, no internet at home. Just found out my 15-year-old son's friends have been sharing movies with each other using sd cards. They can then watch on cameras or other devices that take sd cards. The movies are trashy movies but not technically filth. They feature rape scenes and orgies but it's within the context of an actual plot and those scenes are a small percentage of the overall movie.

I'm upset but trying not to make this worse. My son was crying about it and I don't want this situation to push him away from us. I haven't said a lot yet because I need to gather my thoughts. I'm wondering if anyone here has dealt with similar situations and would care to share their thoughts and experiences. Thanks so much.
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amother
Maroon


 

Post Mon, Jan 18 2021, 7:03 pm
Unfortunately this is going on in most yeshivos (the ones with a no internet policy)
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amother
Violet


 

Post Mon, Jan 18 2021, 7:06 pm
It makes me so sad. My kids are pretty young but my younger sister goes to a super frum school and camp. Before camp she told me that in camp they talk about all the videos that were going around the last few months and she feels left out. I feel like the answer has to be get better friends. I don't know where all these moms are. I hope my kids will make better friends cuz I don't know what I will do.
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amother
Jetblack


 

Post Mon, Jan 18 2021, 7:48 pm
My husband is a rebbe in a mainstream yeshivaish high school and beis medrash and unfortunately this has become very common. Teens know how to do things and get things most parents would never dream of and can get around any filter. It's not just about getting better friends because unfortunately this is a much larger problem than that.
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estherj




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 18 2021, 7:48 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Yeshivish family here, no internet at home. Just found out my 15-year-old son's friends have been sharing movies with each other using sd cards. They can then watch on cameras or other devices that take sd cards. The movies are trashy movies but not technically filth. They feature rape scenes and orgies but it's within the context of an actual plot and those scenes are a small percentage of the overall movie.

I'm upset but trying not to make this worse. My son was crying about it and I don't want this situation to push him away from us. I haven't said a lot yet because I need to gather my thoughts. I'm wondering if anyone here has dealt with similar situations and would care to share their thoughts and experiences. Thanks so much.


The first thing to know is that this is not yours or your husbands fault in any way. This is extremely common even among yeshivish mosdos and there is little you could have done to prevent this. However you do have control over the path you are going to choose to address this.

You (preferably your husband) need to speak to an experienced mechanech to get some guidance. The message you deliver to your son will impact him significantly. He needs to receive healthy supportive guidance and hashkafa rather that unhealthy guilt resulting in self esteem issues etc. You can also use guidance on how to help him choose the right friends to hang out with going forward.

This is unfortunately all too common so there are mechanchim who have considerable experience in this inyan. Seek their guidance; don’t go it alone.


Last edited by estherj on Mon, Jan 18 2021, 7:52 pm; edited 1 time in total
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amother
Lawngreen


 

Post Mon, Jan 18 2021, 7:48 pm
Why was he crying?
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little neshamala




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 18 2021, 7:51 pm
I have posted this repeatedly on threads that talk about p-rn.
From my sources (Rebbeim who work in yeshivish highschools), it is "very common" for yeshivish boys to be exposed to p-rn at one point or another in highschool and on.
This is unfortunately, not at all unusual, and not at all a prediction of doom ch"v.
Definitely speak to your son, gently explain to him why its wrong, and that youre not angry with him, but you want to help him so he can resisit this in the future.
Or ask for further guidance.
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amother
Burgundy


 

Post Mon, Jan 18 2021, 7:56 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Yeshivish family here, no internet at home. Just found out my 15-year-old son's friends have been sharing movies with each other using sd cards. They can then watch on cameras or other devices that take sd cards. The movies are trashy movies but not technically filth. They feature rape scenes and orgies but it's within the context of an actual plot and those scenes are a small percentage of the overall movie.

I'm upset but trying not to make this worse. My son was crying about it and I don't want this situation to push him away from us. I haven't said a lot yet because I need to gather my thoughts. I'm wondering if anyone here has dealt with similar situations and would care to share their thoughts and experiences. Thanks so much.


There's a website called guard your eyes where you can really get guidance. It helped my son. There's a whole booklet to explain puberty and everything in a frum way.
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amother
Natural


 

Post Mon, Jan 18 2021, 8:00 pm
Speak to him (or dh) and make it clear and comfortable that you(dh) are there for him to ask any questions. What he is seeing on movies is not what relations is about. Its normal for him to be interested but if he can fight for his self control he will be happier overall. Its hard to teenagers to understand... but ther should definitely be open line or communication and a real real open conversation with him about what it is.

Its hard when your body reacts and your mind gets excited.

Women are to be taken care of. Should be passionate and love between the 2... not forced and one using the other. That needs to be clear to him as well if he is watching Orgies and rpe
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amother
Coffee


 

Post Mon, Jan 18 2021, 8:09 pm
I’m curious what pple think. This kind of thing gets me wondering... is it maybe better for boys to be slowly and openly exposed to things like movies and tv with their parents and families around. Like making it part of the culture of your family? Not r rated movies with rape scenes cv. But more general. It eliminates the need for hiding and sneaking which itself makes any situation that much more unhealthy. I’m asking bec I come from a yeshivish background with no media etc.. but lately I’ve been becoming more easygoing. I have young boys and wonder if it’s better to be a bit more relaxed about media (obviously with boundaries and limits) so it doesn’t turn into this sneaky sd card hiding under covers shameful thing.
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amother
Magenta


 

Post Mon, Jan 18 2021, 8:14 pm
amother [ Coffee ] wrote:
I’m curious what pple think. This kind of thing gets me wondering... is it maybe better for boys to be slowly and openly exposed to things like movies and tv with their parents and families around. Like making it part of the culture of your family? Not r rated movies with rape scenes cv. But more general. It eliminates the need for hiding and sneaking which itself makes any situation that much more unhealthy. I’m asking bec I come from a yeshivish background with no media etc.. but lately I’ve been becoming more easygoing. I have young boys and wonder if it’s better to be a bit more relaxed about media (obviously with boundaries and limits) so it doesn’t turn into this sneaky sd card hiding under covers shameful thing.


Unfortunately this does nothing to prevent viewing of material that op is describing. The boys will still sneak it because it's tempting and their parents obviously don't allow it.
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amother
Brunette


 

Post Mon, Jan 18 2021, 8:15 pm
amother [ Coffee ] wrote:
I’m curious what pple think. This kind of thing gets me wondering... is it maybe better for boys to be slowly and openly exposed to things like movies and tv with their parents and families around. Like making it part of the culture of your family? Not r rated movies with rape scenes cv. But more general. It eliminates the need for hiding and sneaking which itself makes any situation that much more unhealthy. I’m asking bec I come from a yeshivish background with no media etc.. but lately I’ve been becoming more easygoing. I have young boys and wonder if it’s better to be a bit more relaxed about media (obviously with boundaries and limits) so it doesn’t turn into this sneaky sd card hiding under covers shameful thing.


I agree with you.
Yeshivish background
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little neshamala




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 18 2021, 8:20 pm
amother [ Natural ] wrote:
Speak to him (or dh) and make it clear and comfortable that you(dh) are there for him to ask any questions. What he is seeing on movies is not what relations is about. Its normal for him to be interested but if he can fight for his self control he will be happier overall. Its hard to teenagers to understand... but ther should definitely be open line or communication and a real real open conversation with him about what it is.

Its hard when your body reacts and your mind gets excited.

Women are to be taken care of. Should be passionate and love between the 2... not forced and one using the other. That needs to be clear to him as well if he is watching Orgies and rpe


This is so important
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amother
Khaki


 

Post Mon, Jan 18 2021, 9:58 pm
What movies are these?

Are they Hollywood action type of movies that are considered mainstream or are they p*orn movies.

I think there is a difference. Actually as a parent I dislike violence more than s*ex but rape is distasteful as it is violence rather than s*exual to me.
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piegirl




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 18 2021, 10:41 pm
amother [ Burgundy ] wrote:
There's a website called guard your eyes where you can really get guidance. It helped my son. There's a whole booklet to explain puberty and everything in a frum way.

Any way you could link the booklet? Found the website but not any info on puberty
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amother
Emerald


 

Post Mon, Jan 18 2021, 10:49 pm
amother [ Coffee ] wrote:
I’m curious what pple think. This kind of thing gets me wondering... is it maybe better for boys to be slowly and openly exposed to things like movies and tv with their parents and families around. Like making it part of the culture of your family? Not r rated movies with rape scenes cv. But more general. It eliminates the need for hiding and sneaking which itself makes any situation that much more unhealthy. I’m asking bec I come from a yeshivish background with no media etc.. but lately I’ve been becoming more easygoing. I have young boys and wonder if it’s better to be a bit more relaxed about media (obviously with boundaries and limits) so it doesn’t turn into this sneaky sd card hiding under covers shameful thing.


I literally just asked my husband this question. Our son is an infant so not an immediate concern but we do wafch movies and tv and we plan to allow him to as well. I can’t imagine how repressed do you need to be to find your outlet in orgies and rape scenes? Like what ever happened to good old playboy (other than that it’s out of print) sigh. I don’t know anything. I’m just sad
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amother
Magenta


 

Post Mon, Jan 18 2021, 11:39 pm
amother [ Emerald ] wrote:
I literally just asked my husband this question. Our son is an infant so not an immediate concern but we do wafch movies and tv and we plan to allow him to as well. I can’t imagine how repressed do you need to be to find your outlet in orgies and rape scenes? Like what ever happened to good old playboy (other than that it’s out of print) sigh. I don’t know anything. I’m just sad


It's not about being repressed. It's just a huge temptation to boys of a certain age as well as men, from every possible background.
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amother
Emerald


 

Post Tue, Jan 19 2021, 12:25 am
amother [ Magenta ] wrote:
It's not about being repressed. It's just a huge temptation to boys of a certain age as well as men, from every possible background.


Prn temptation I get.

Rape/orgy scenes? I don’t get. Is it Cuz im not a man?
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amother
Beige


 

Post Tue, Jan 19 2021, 12:29 am
This makes me think how important it is to be the one teaching our kids age appropriate s*x ed. Once they hit puberty we should talk about the p*rn and its problems. If they get educated they could use their self control. They'll also have the correct outlook on healthy normal relationships.
Btw I am chasidish and we had unfiltered internet growing up. I had a very curious mind and had to understand everything. I ended up getting to some bad places.
If our kids will be exposed regardless to s*x and p*rn why shouldn't we teach them about it on our terms??
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amother
Blue


 

Post Tue, Jan 19 2021, 12:33 am
amother [ Emerald ] wrote:
Prn temptation I get.

Rape/orgy scenes? I don’t get. Is it Cuz im not a man?


Many women have fantasies of non-consent, actually. I find it more strange that these boys are interested in rape scenes.
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