What has helped you change?

amother

Wed, Feb 03 2021, 2:13 am

I'm so sad at myself and feel like a failure the entire day. I had a very overwhelmed morning, being busy every minute with a different child plus I had to take care of my screaming 3 month old. I feel terrible terrible bad and I dont know anymore if I'm cut out for mothering . I lost myself tremendously to when my 7 yr old ds came in from the street after I told him many times to dress up warm , he went out with out a coat or hat ect. And besides that he was very active . I was busy multi tasking and making sure to occupy other whiney kids . I was beyond exhausted and felt like no one is listening to me . Until I just lost it and became impulsive and started to hit my 7 yr old . I literally locked myself right away in the bathroom turned on a hot shower and stayed there until I calmed down. I just felt that I couldn't loose myself any more . The guilt that came up I can't even describe . I feel like I'm just not made to parent. I barely hit and work very hard to be a calm loving mother. I did not have good role models growing up and I was hit plenty as a child and yes I was damaged. I really try not to do the same to my kids , somehow I find myself repeating what my parents did to me , (not often) because I watch so much not to do it to them . I used to yell more but worked very hard to talk calmly, and to not raise my voice . But a day like today I just didnt manage to satisfy everyone. Kids weren't the best of mood, I just lost it . I did something I really didn't wanna do in my wildest dreams . I potched my ds . The feeling afterwards was horrible. I felt like such a loser, I couldn't do anything anymore because I just felt stuck. Like I felt I took a very wrong approach . A little later I said I'm sorry to ds , and asked for forgiveness a few times , I kissed him literally every. 10 minutes. again .and again I told him that I'm sorry and I regret what I did to him . He calmed down , I kept telling him how much I love him and how much I wished it didn't happen.
I'm so nervous he shouldn't be affected by it . I hope he is not traumatized, I just have so many questions, and doubts. My day was so ruined for this . Does anyone have advice that it should not happen again? I love this child. He is actually a good child. Why why did I loose myself just at him?! Help me change that . How would I know or how can I prevent it shouldn't affect him later on? No I almost never hit I felt completely drained. I really need ideas how to prevent from hitting next time? Please dont bash . I'm hurt enough and know that I shouldn't have done it . I'm asking experts here for advice how to manage without loosing it ? And what I can do from now on that it shouldn't stay ingrained in his mind , and how to prevent the trauma if he was traumatized from it? I really want him to feel safe with me . Any advice???

freilich

Wed, Feb 03 2021, 8:06 am

OP please take a deep breath and calm down. You where human and overwhelmed. As for not repeating your parents mistakes, there's nothing more humbling when we find ourselves occasionally doing what they did. It's a light bulb moment, hey they might have tried the best that "they" could.

May I tell you that I disagree in your over apologizing to your kid? First, by constantly bringing it up with him your making him think that my mom is totally at fault here, when he very well did something wrong. Secondly, did he apologize for disobeying and going out without a coat?

I think your feeling like a failure doesn't have so much to do with the hitting him, as much as you felt like you've reached the end of the rope.

I hope today will be easier for you. Hug

amother

Linen

Wed, Feb 03 2021, 9:07 am

I went for therapy which helped somewhat but what really changed me was taking the nurtured heart approach parenting course. It has changed me as a person.

Chayalle

Wed, Feb 03 2021, 9:41 am

Parenting classes helped me alot.

tichellady

Wed, Feb 03 2021, 10:01 am

It sounds like you could use a therapist. It’s hard to undo how you were parented without professional help

amother

Chocolate

Wed, Feb 03 2021, 10:20 am

What helped me change was meeting someone who gave me support and helped me listen to my inner voice which understood a lot of what I was doing was wrong. That made me reach out for help and be open to using whatever resources were available - rabonim, therapists, mechanchim, etc.

BTW children do not become traumatized from being potched here and there, especially if you feel bad about it. It is more about the overall picture than a single incident.

amother

Wed, Feb 03 2021, 12:06 pm

amother [ Linen ] wrote:

I went for therapy which helped somewhat but what really changed me was taking the nurtured heart approach parenting course. It has changed me as a person.

What is it. "nurtured heart " is it a parenting class, a book, what is it?

Zehava

Wed, Feb 03 2021, 12:09 pm

What will help you is working through your own trauma so you are better at regulating yourself and working through your triggers

amother

Wed, Feb 03 2021, 12:18 pm

Zehava wrote:

What will help you is working through your own trauma so you are better at regulating yourself and working through your triggers

That's right. it's just not a fast process so I would need ideas how to control myself in the meantime.

amother

Peach

Wed, Feb 03 2021, 12:36 pm

Therapy and SELF COMPASSION. I highly recommend the book Self Compassion by Kristin Neff. Every time you get triggered stroke yourself and soothe yourself. And please don't apologize every ten minutes. It's not good for anyone. Say I'm sorry and move on. Model to your child moving on. Just know the process is ok. You don't need to become perfect today.

amother

Gold

Wed, Feb 03 2021, 12:50 pm

Time to myself during the day
Sleep
A cleaning lady
Watching super nanny

Zehava

Wed, Feb 03 2021, 12:53 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

That's right. it's just not a fast process so I would need ideas how to control myself in the meantime.

In the meantime try to let things go. Little things that won’t make such a difference long-term. Ask yourself which is worse, getting hit by you or doing XYZ.
And take good care of yourself. Eat well, sleep well, and make sure to have some time alone.

imasinger

Wed, Feb 03 2021, 12:56 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

What is it. "nurtured heart " is it a parenting class, a book, what is it?

Both.

Here's a good place to start. https://childrenssuccessfounda.....oach/

amother

Cobalt

Wed, Feb 03 2021, 3:30 pm

Taking itamins and reading parenting books.

amother

Lawngreen

Wed, Feb 03 2021, 3:58 pm

EMDR therapy for childhood trauma.