I want to write a memoir, without hurting my family

amother

Thu, Feb 18 2021, 3:38 pm

My childhood was severely dysfunctional. A few key elements are stories that my family would recognize, even if I used a pen name in a memoir.

The purpose would be to give frum teens/women chizuk that they too can overcome unhealthy childhoods.

Yet, I do not want to hurt my parents and siblings.

Should I change more details and write it from a non-frum perspective, and seek a general (not frum) publisher?

amother

Gold

Thu, Feb 18 2021, 3:40 pm

That's a great idea, actually. A bigger audience and less likely to be recognized. But I would write it as is first and then edit it before publishing.

amother

Pewter

Thu, Feb 18 2021, 3:41 pm

following
can totally relate to wanting to write a book for same reasons; however about my marriage, and have same concerns regarding privacy and not wanting to hurt anyone
have thought about writing it and changing names and details...or about gearing it more toward a different format showcasing the life lessons and using examples disguised so as to expose less of the story line itself.
Agree to write it first and disguise after. Would be impossible for me to leave out the frum piece though I do not know what work for you Op.
hatzlocha!

thunderstorm

Thu, Feb 18 2021, 3:46 pm

I have wanted to do the same since I’ve been in highschool, but I would have to change lots of details in order for it not to be so obvious. That’s been the only thing that has held me back until now.

amother

Ivory

Thu, Feb 18 2021, 3:49 pm

So many dysfunctional families overlap with their issues, you can just not tell them you wrote it and they don't actually have to know it's you.

trixx

Thu, Feb 18 2021, 3:52 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

First write it. Get it all out. That will be cathartic in itself.
Then go through and change names (a simple find and replace on the computer) and show an editor.
Then an editor can help with the decision about further changing details etc.

amother

Puce

Thu, Feb 18 2021, 4:17 pm

#me too!

I am more afraid that no frum publisher will want to publish my memoir, than if the people involved will recognize themselves. I really think anyone can change enough details that they can pretty much make their story unrecognizable to their family. I am not so sure about getting published by a frum publisher when the family dysfunction includes s*xual abuse and things of that nature. What do you all think?

amother

Gold

Thu, Feb 18 2021, 4:19 pm

Self publishing is a viable option these days. You will have to do your own promoting (or hire an independent promoter), and you should hire someone to help with editing, but you should not leave your book unwritten.

amother

Azure

Thu, Feb 18 2021, 4:19 pm

As someone who works in the frum publishing industry, I want to point out that marketing a book takes a lot of effort, and publishing houses increasingly expect authors to pitch in with marketing. Even if you change details, it will be pointless if you go out there and market your book on social media, do book signings, etc. If you don't because you want to stay anonymous, your book won't sell.

I second trixx's advice to write it for cathartic reasons. But I would be wary of publishing it.
Why don't you see if you can volunteer as a mentor for teens in dysfunctional situations? Your story might be a great source of chizuk to them if shared one-on-one.

amother

Orange

Thu, Feb 18 2021, 4:28 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Wow, are you my sister? Except I’m the only writer in the family.

Especially the bolded - the public would recognize my family even if I changed names. Can’t change many of the details because it would water down everything.

amother

Cerise

Thu, Feb 18 2021, 4:29 pm

amother [ Azure ] wrote:

Books like Hush sold like hot cakes because of the content, even though the author was anonymous when publishing it.

If the story is good, the book will sell, even if the author's name is not known.

amother

Mauve

Thu, Feb 18 2021, 5:10 pm

Not to dissuade you, but like Hush, people will eventually find out. Ive considered writing a memoir, but I can't do it to my kids. the risk is just too great.

amother

Fri, Feb 19 2021, 8:05 am

amother [ Orange ] wrote:

Unfortunately not. I was not blessed with any sisters and suffered through all of this alone.