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-> Parenting our children
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amother
OP
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 Fri, Feb 19 2021, 1:02 pm
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What is difference between abusive childhood and dysfunctional childhood?
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amother
Fuchsia
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Fri, Feb 19 2021, 1:04 pm
Technically, the term “abuse” refers to someone gaining dominance over someone else with malicious intent.
But practically, they’re the same thing. Neglect is a form of abuse, too.
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Chayalle
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Fri, Feb 19 2021, 1:05 pm
well, I would say abuse involves intentional hurt to the child. Dysfunction can simply be neglect, etc...when the home does not function normally, whether on a physical level or on an emotional level.
I would think there's lots of overlap between the two.
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behappy2
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Fri, Feb 19 2021, 3:35 pm
Abuse is cruel and violent treatment.
Dysfunction implies it wasn't an optimal environment.
I think ppl use diff terms...
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amother
OP
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Fri, Feb 19 2021, 3:36 pm
| behappy2 wrote: | Abuse is cruel and violent treatment.
Dysfunction implies it wasn't an optimal environment.
I think ppl use diff terms... |
Can you bring examples for this?
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behappy2
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Fri, Feb 19 2021, 3:42 pm
| amother [ OP ] wrote: | | Can you bring examples for this? |
Here are 3.
Child didn't come to school with things they needed (pencils, money for trips) regular basis
Parent overshared with a young child
10 year old responsible for babysitting a bunch of little kids (often, but only in the evenings, not at night)
We all do dysfunctional things some times. Some ppl do it often. Abusive ppl it's above and beyond (I.e. kids being responsible for finding their own food)
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amother
Khaki
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Fri, Feb 19 2021, 4:07 pm
I grew up in dysfunction but not abuse
We were clothed sometimes with way to big clothing but not dirty
We skipped school whenever we wanted to
We ate whatever we wanted so unhealthy no schedule of eating
My mom let us go on the city bus or take a taxi alone at a young age
Our house was cleaned but not exactly the cleanest like toilets were washed every2 weeks linen changed every two months .
Supper was always served but late there was no bedtime
Abuse in my head is emotional abuse or physical abuse or someone that is controlling is abuse.
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amother
Burgundy
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Fri, Feb 19 2021, 4:09 pm
| behappy2 wrote: | Abuse is cruel and violent treatment.
Dysfunction implies it wasn't an optimal environment.
I think ppl use diff terms... |
I was neglected and that was a form of abuse and definitely dysfunctional. My parents were not cruel or violent. Any of the abuse I experienced was because they had no idea that their behavior was not ok. My father emotionally abused me a lot. I was terrified of him. But he never physically hurt me. Aside for one potch when I was six . Yet he left me with deep scars. I watched him withhold food from my siblings as punishment. I watched him treat my siblings badly in different ways. That alone traumatized me .
My mother was very neglectful . I don’t think it was on purpose. She had a hard time coping with life and struggles and the kids were not her priority. I often came home and there was no food for supper. She didn’t do it on purpose. Like I won’t serve my kids supper today. She was too overwhelmed to even feed her children.
I was parentified as a child. That was a form of abuse. Not out of cruelty or maliciousness. Once again, my mother didn’t cope well and turned to her daughter to be her rock. I was dealing with a crying mother instead of my mother dealing with a crying child. My mother also woke me from my sleep to interpret what my 2 yr old brother was crying about because I understood him better than she did. And so on.
I think dysfunction and abuse tend to overlap. I think what determines it is the severity of the dysfunction. At least in my case.
My parents were not monsters. They were wounded adults who never healed their own wounds and passed it on to their kids unfortunately.
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behappy2
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Fri, Feb 19 2021, 4:12 pm
| amother [ Burgundy ] wrote: | I was neglected and that was a form of abuse and definitely dysfunctional. My parents were not cruel or violent. Any of the abuse I experienced was because they had no idea that their behavior was not ok. My father emotionally abused me a lot. I was terrified of him. But he never physically hurt me. Aside for one potch when I was six . Yet he left me with deep scars. I watched him withhold food from my siblings as punishment. I watched him treat my siblings badly in different ways. That alone traumatized me .
My mother was very neglectful . I don’t think it was on purpose. She had a hard time coping with life and struggles and the kids were not her priority. I often came home and there was no food for supper. She didn’t do it on purpose. Like I won’t serve my kids supper today. She was too overwhelmed to even feed her children.
I was parentified as a child. That was a form of abuse. Not out of cruelty or maliciousness. Once again, my mother didn’t cope well and turned to her daughter to be her rock. I was dealing with a crying mother instead of my mother dealing with a crying child. My mother also woke me from my sleep to interpret what my 2 yr old brother was crying about because I understood him better than she did. And so on.
I think dysfunction and abuse tend to overlap. I think what determines it is the severity of the dysfunction. At least in my case.
My parents were not monsters. They were wounded adults who never healed their own wounds and passed it on to their kids unfortunately. |
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It actually was cruel. Read through your post. Cruel doesnt have to mean intentionally cruel.
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amother
Khaki
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Fri, Feb 19 2021, 4:15 pm
| amother [ Burgundy ] wrote: | I was neglected and that was a form of abuse and definitely dysfunctional. My parents were not cruel or violent. Any of the abuse I experienced was because they had no idea that their behavior was not ok. My father emotionally abused me a lot. I was terrified of him. But he never physically hurt me. Aside for one potch when I was six . Yet he left me with deep scars. I watched him withhold food from my siblings as punishment. I watched him treat my siblings badly in different ways. That alone traumatized me .
My mother was very neglectful . I don’t think it was on purpose. She had a hard time coping with life and struggles and the kids were not her priority. I often came home and there was no food for supper. She didn’t do it on purpose. Like I won’t serve my kids supper today. She was too overwhelmed to even feed her children.
I was parentified as a child. That was a form of abuse. Not out of cruelty or maliciousness. Once again, my mother didn’t cope well and turned to her daughter to be her rock. I was dealing with a crying mother instead of my mother dealing with a crying child. My mother also woke me from my sleep to interpret what my 2 yr old brother was crying about because I understood him better than she did. And so on.
I think dysfunction and abuse tend to overlap. I think what determines it is the severity of the dysfunction. At least in my case.
My parents were not monsters. They were wounded adults who never healed their own wounds and passed it on to their kids unfortunately. |
This was abuse.
I don’t agree with you that it comes hand in hand it can though
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amother
Ginger
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Fri, Feb 19 2021, 4:15 pm
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Much of the time we need someone outside our situation to confirm that we were indeed abused. Because it's a hard thing to accept.
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amother
Burgundy
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Fri, Feb 19 2021, 4:20 pm
| amother [ Khaki ] wrote: | This was abuse.
I don’t agree with you that it comes hand in hand it can though |
I know I was abused. I worked through it. I was trying to explain that not always is there this obvious intent of cruelty and maliciousness.
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amother
OP
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Fri, Feb 19 2021, 4:32 pm
| amother [ Khaki ] wrote: | I grew up in dysfunction but not abuse
We were clothed sometimes with way to big clothing but not dirty
We skipped school whenever we wanted to
We ate whatever we wanted so unhealthy no schedule of eating
My mom let us go on the city bus or take a taxi alone at a young age
Our house was cleaned but not exactly the cleanest like toilets were washed every2 weeks linen changed every two months .
Supper was always served but late there was no bedtime
Abuse in my head is emotional abuse or physical abuse or someone that is controlling is abuse. |
How does this effect you as an adult?
I want to understand (I was severely abused I am trying to fully understand the ramifications of dysfunction without abuse)
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amother
Khaki
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Fri, Feb 19 2021, 4:37 pm
| amother [ OP ] wrote: | How does this effect you as an adult?
I want to understand (I was severely abused I am trying to fully understand the ramifications of dysfunction without abuse) |
Ad I got older I realized our home was not considered functional and I cleaned and helped cook so things would get done I grocery shopped on a schedule. My sister got married and was a great example to us all she also helped make it functional. I made my life scheduled read books. From my friends and neighbors o learned what was normal and what not and I took that with me. Bh I have a great home that’s completely functional with zero dysfunction. I find all this comes with self help no one can help you make menus no one can help you be functional your own willpower creates it. Some people say I’m a powerhouse I don’t see that
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Zehava
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Fri, Feb 19 2021, 5:00 pm
| amother [ OP ] wrote: | How does this effect you as an adult?
I want to understand (I was severely abused I am trying to fully understand the ramifications of dysfunction without abuse) |
Abuse comes along with an inner critic which I think dysfunction doesnt
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amother
Maroon
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Sat, Feb 20 2021, 2:54 pm
| amother [ Khaki ] wrote: | I grew up in dysfunction but not abuse
We were clothed sometimes with way to big clothing but not dirty
We skipped school whenever we wanted to
We ate whatever we wanted so unhealthy no schedule of eating
My mom let us go on the city bus or take a taxi alone at a young age
Our house was cleaned but not exactly the cleanest like toilets were washed every2 weeks linen changed every two months .
Supper was always served but late there was no bedtime
Abuse in my head is emotional abuse or physical abuse or someone that is controlling is abuse. |
This is slightly borderline maybe, some of this is cultural, e.g. taking a bus or time of serving dinner. It could have been considered okay in other countries.
I think the intention is the key here.
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amother
OP
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Sat, Feb 20 2021, 7:13 pm
| Zehava wrote: | | Abuse comes along with an inner critic which I think dysfunction doesnt |
Right, my question is what is the ramifications of dysfunction (not abuse)
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Zehava
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Sat, Feb 20 2021, 7:16 pm
| amother [ OP ] wrote: | | Right, my question is what is the ramifications of dysfunction (not abuse) |
I would think anxiety/insecurity, lack of social skills etc. but not really sure. Since most dysfunction I’ve seen comes along with neglect which has its own set of ramifications
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amother
Mistyrose
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Sat, Feb 20 2021, 7:34 pm
We have this need to fit things in a box, to try "define" our lives. Theres no clear line between normal family struggles/ dysfunction/ neglect/
/abuse. They can blend one into the other like paint.
All normal families are probably dysfunctional sometimes.
And what one person calls ideal parenting, another person may call abuse. (I.e. spanking, putting a picky eater to bed hungry.)
And abuse is definitely not always malicious.
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amother
Ruby
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Fri, Feb 26 2021, 4:08 am
| amother [ Khaki ] wrote: | I grew up in dysfunction but not abuse
We were clothed sometimes with way to big clothing but not dirty
We skipped school whenever we wanted to
We ate whatever we wanted so unhealthy no schedule of eating
My mom let us go on the city bus or take a taxi alone at a young age
Our house was cleaned but not exactly the cleanest like toilets were washed every2 weeks linen changed every two months .
Supper was always served but late there was no bedtime
Abuse in my head is emotional abuse or physical abuse or someone that is controlling is abuse. |
I hate to say it but growing up dinner was always late and we didn’t have bedtime. And I don’t clean my toilets or change my likened often at all (kids aren’t toilet trained yet). But I don’t consider any of it dysfunction...
Unless I should.
But I guess it’s a package deal and it depends on the person
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